Tag Archives: Word Search

Spring Word Search

This isn’t a “real” post.

Well, technically it is considering that I wrote words and published it here, but the “real” post will come on Tuesday, so be prepared for mild amusement and/or disappointment and the winner of my giveaway.

Yes, the giveaway!

The real reason for this post that isn’t really a post is to remind you to 1) read my last post 2) humor me by possibly buying the book and 3) leave a comment so you can be entered to win the Amazon gift card.

With your “to-do” clearly established, I will also add that I wrote this post that isn’t really a post is to 4) thank everyone who HAS read, shared and commented on my last post and 5) welcome all the new followers as a result of those shares and a magical alignment of the stars.

Because I’m saving a “real” post for Tuesday—good lord, I better make sure I have a post done by Tuesday—I thought today would be a good time to do another “Word Search” post.

For the uninitiated, I get some very random and often humorous search terms that lead to my blog. Sometimes I can tell what post led them here, but sometimes I’m confused and a little bit disturbed.

For example, I’m not sure what it means that “emotional constipation” has shown up on the list more than once, but I don’t feel like that’s very favorable for me. Actually, it’s not very favorable for whoever is Googling “emotional constipation.” They really should start up a blog.

Anyway, I present the latest Word Search installment (with my notes in parenthesis.)

  • I’ve got on my big girl panties, bitch bra and shitkicker boots
  • I wish it were socially acceptable to hibernate (whoever Googled this—we should be friends)
  • Fine, whatever. I’ll just date myself.
  • I love stickers and raccoons hunting with pellet guns (who doesn’t?)
  • Peegret—when you wish you would have gone to the bathroom before you left
  • I have to be naked when I drive
  • Banana clips or Polish babushkas? (Forget the meaning of life. This is the important stuff, people.)
  • Woman cites “He hit ‘reply all’” as reason for insanity. Judge accepts plea.
  • Vanilla Ice in a thong
  • Traveling gnomes using the squatty potty and avocado cutters (at the same time?)
  • I wrote “bitch” in my GPS and it lead me to your driveway (I saw you pull in and dove behind the couch)
  • My grandma is totes cray-cray (probably because you use the words “totes” and “cray-cray,” which technically aren’t even real words)
  • My dog calms down after I put a dress on her (please send pictures)
  • I would exercise but it makes me spill my drink
  • I like putting on a show for the neighbor lady with my tater tots (let’s assume tater tots is NOT a euphemism for anything else, shall we?)
  • Boy squirrel glued in a French maid dress cleaning the house (is this a thing? I would totally sign up for that.)
  • I’ll be your dork

I will be your dork for as long as you guys will put up with me. And if you’ve put up with me all the way to the end of this post that isn’t really a post, I will remind you again to enter the giveaway and then come back next time when one person will be announced the winner and everyone else will be disappointed and probably never visit again.

But for now, enjoy your weekend. Unless you’re the person who Googled “I want to nurture Martha Stewart and help her with her bra wedgie.”

In that case, you’re on your own.

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Word Search Vol. 4

Dear People of the Interwebs,

You never fail to amaze me. Between some of the brilliant blog posts that urge me to think in new ways, the comics that make me laugh and the sports scores that keep me updated, I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.

However, I have to point out that most of you are weirdos. Well, at least those of you who found my blog through a variety of confounding search terms, with only a small set of examples below.

I’ve shared some of those gems a couple of times in the past, but they just keep coming and the few I included below (unedited) are too good to keep to myself.

So People of the Interwebs, thank you for providing me with not only a chuckle at the fact someone landed here by searching “elderly squirrels with no verbal filter,” but also for making me feel like my issues pale in comparison to whoever searched for “busier than a cucumber in a women’s prison.”

Sincerely,

Abby

Word Search, Vol. 3

  • Got bored, searched boobs (*editor’s note: sorry for the disappointment
  • I’m a girl and willing to do anything for Detroit Tiger tickets
  • Mariah Carey in yellow latex
  • I don’t need to kick your ass life will do that for me
  • I would exercise but it makes me spill my drink
  • Squirrels in Polish babushkas
  • Has anyone ever written a letter from the kitten tooth fairy?
  • Naked yoga for elderly people
  • Squirrel with tits after my nuts
  • I don’t usually fart in public but when I do I lean to the left
  • The internet stops me from being productive
  • Squirrel getting a speeding ticket
  • Hold your head high and your middle finger higher
  • I’m starting group meetings at my house for OCD cats
  • The count’s sesame street toga party
  • A gopher mixed with Steven Tyler
  • Victoria’s Secret panty bunch on a fat dog
  • Julia Child/Martha Stewart fight club (*editor’s note: Yes, please)
  • Trippy squirrels do Crossfit nude

And lest you think they’re all a bit off, there was this one:

“Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.”

Now that’s one I need to remember.

Well, that along with “how to be a bossy bitch.” The first one, I’m still working on. The second one, I’ve got covered.

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Word Search Vol. 3

It’s time to once again play everyone’s favorite blog game—Word Search!

Okay, maybe it’s not everyone’s favorite game, but I like it and it amuses me so we’re headed for Round 3. If you’ve missed the first two installments, Word Search is basically just me sharing the most ridiculous terms that lead people to my blog in the past couple of weeks.

The usual conclusion is that people are seriously screwed up and if the fate of the world rests on these people conducting productive Internets searches, we’re all screwed. 

It also makes me wonder what the heck I’m writing about if a search for “baby goat Fight Club” brings people here.

goat1

They obviously don’t know that the first rule of Baby Goat Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Baby Goat Fight Club. At any rate, here are the rest of the highly-suspect search terms: 

  • What would happen if a starfish and a turkey had a child?
  • Quotes about people who think their shit don’t stink
  • Thanks for reminding me how much I hate people and social interaction
  • How do you get popcorn in your pants without resizing?
  • Bend me over the washer and pretend
  • How long has brown m&m been gone
  • People talk about things they know nothing about on Pinterest
  • Squirrel with an avocado cutter
  • Peacock meets airplane
  • I will pee on everything you love
  • Save me from the annoying people
  • How to cut out the penis bone from a raccoon (Note: what the hell?)
  • Don’t date someone who wants to wear your underwear
  • When your dog thinks it’s smarter than you and it is
  • So I read your rant. Why do you insist on poking holes in me?
  • I’m out of bed and dressed so what more do you want
  • Look at that bitch just eating her cracker like she owns the place

But my favorite from this month wasn’t “Dear Abby, help me with loud sneezers in the office.” No, my favorite this month was:

Even if you have issues, I still love you

Because sometimes I need to hear that — just not from whoever searched “come here and let me wipe that bullshit from your mouth.”

Like the blog? Buy the book.