Tag Archives: women

The War on Wedgies

While I am a grown woman, I’m not “girly-girly” at all, and the description of my wardrobe and beauty regime can be summed up with “comfort” and “if I have to.”

But when you think about it, the things that women do in the name of beauty are rather ridiculous. Do men let strange women attack their face with hot wax? Do they stuff their legs into nylons like a sausage is stuffed in a casing? Do they glue fake eyelashes on their eyelids and stick multiple hoops through their ears?

OK, some of them do, but most of them don’t and neither do I.

I understand wanting to look nice and whatnot, but women just complicate things. Men don’t complicate things. While some women worry if pants make their ass look big, I highly doubt that men worry if a pair of jeans makes their penis look small.

But there’s no greater proof than the comfort chasm between the sexes when it comes down to underwear.


Not all underwear, of course, but the fancy crap.

I get that one is expected to own something a bit sexier than a six-pack of Hanes from Target and agree that everyone should have something small (or medium or large) they can wear that makes them feel good. Even if no one ever sees the contents of it in action, a little extra color or some leopard print design might be just what you need to get your proverbial panties out of a bunch some days.

But let’s be practical, people.

For the cost of one pair of those fancy underoos, you can purchase a dozen pair that you won’t have to try and discreetly pull out of your crotch by pretending to get something from the front of your jeans.

Don’t act like you haven’t done it.

For most men, (hopefully) clean is their favorite color of underwear and they would probably rather have you comfortable and happy instead of distracted by the thread creeping far up your ass.

So to summarize: What’s the point of wearing something uncomfortable that practically nobody else sees anyway? Okay, okay. In the interest of balance, I’ll play devil’s advocate.

Perhaps you are some sex maven that can do a triple back flip off your sex swing with perfect form, and wearing a $45 thong is necessary to complete your performance and dazzle the spontaneous suitors you entertain on a daily basis.

But for the majority of us who have retired the sex swing in favor of a Papasan chair, it just doesn’t make that much sense.

And I have to think that if by chance you are swept up in a spontaneous moment, your suitor most likely won’t care if you’re wearing a Victoria’s Secret four-color, invisible line lacy bikini bottom with magic unicorn dust or a Ziploc bag bedazzled with Puff Paint and scented magic markers.

Save the money and the stress of a wedgie-filled existence.

It’s truly what’s inside that counts.

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book here. Why? It has stories about drunk nuns, Vanilla Ice and adventures at the ATM. It’s obviously destined to be an American classic.

P.S. I’m nosy and have to think a couple of you are nosy, so I’m toying with doing an “Ask Abby Anything” post. If you have questions about anything—me, writing, picking up men in Home Depot—either email me or leave a comment on my Facebook page. If I actually have interest, I’ll use them in a future post that will probably embarrass me.

Female Problems

I’ve always been a little confused by women.

They’ve never screwed me over or anything, but I don’t really understand them and always preferred to hang with the guys. And seeing as I generally try and avoid makeup, drama, dieting, photographs, baby things and shopping, stereotypically speaking, that excludes me from many female social circles.

And Pinterest.


So I do what I usually do when I don’t understand something—I avoid it.

I realize this is bad because the friends that I do have who don’t have a penis are actually really freaking cool—not to mention really freaking tolerant, seeing as they understand that my idea of excitement is sitting on the opposite end of my couch than I usually do to watch the game on a Friday night. But sometimes it’s hard not to lump the rest of the estrogen all together.


Because in between all the cool women are those annoying ones who do things like gossip about other women as a result of their own insecurity—and post 3,502 self-portraits a day, but that’s neither here nor there.

So in an effort to improve our society as a whole, I thought I would offer up some suggestions to “those” women so we can all like them more.

How to Be More Awesome

Be Decisive

Speaking in an ambiguous code and expecting others to understand and make decisions for you invalidates the power of your own intellect.  If you feel like you need to consult 40 people before making a decision or voicing an opinion, something is wrong.  Say what you mean and mean what you say and make no apologies for feeling that way.

And please, use real words.

Eat Real Food and Move On

I talk about food all the time and know that a lot of people find recipe inspiration or support for their health efforts by talking about it with others. I’m not addressing this.

I’m addressing people who constantly talk about the latest dietary restriction or crazy plan they’ve imposed upon themselves (and everyone else through pictures and constant updates) in an effort to find the “perfect” way to eat.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy crap. Don’t eat crap. Repeat. No need to broadcast this. Also, if you use lettuce instead of bread, it’s not a sandwich. It’s basically a sleeping bag for salad.

Don’t Act Needy

Constantly seeking outside validation is the quickest way to annoy people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling insecure—heck, I’m the queen of it—but purposely acting helpless is not only annoying, it also makes the rest of us look bad.

You are stronger than you think. Embrace your strength. Don’t diminish it.

Take a Compliment

Even if you don’t agree that your haircut looks good, just zip it and say “thank you.” Someone took the time to notice and say something nice about you or what you did. Don’t act like an ass and argue with them about how you think it actually sucks.

So if you find yourself surrounded by these annoying women, remember that you have free will, ladies! Wasting energy by a) trying to shape them into more tolerable people or b) gossiping about them to make yourself feel better just pushes you into the annoying category.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I realize this post could make me sound like I’m hating on women, but I don’t mean that this is all women—only the ones that cause all the other awesome ones to feel stabby.

We all need to stick together, so just view this as a public service on behalf of all the cool women out there who don’t want to hear a grown-ass woman say “cray-cray” or complain that you can’t read her mind.

You. Are. Welcome.

Carry on.

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