Tag Archives: winter olympics

See Ya Later, Sochi

For the last two weeks, the Olympics brought Americans together in confusion as to where half of those other countries are located.

Olympic-RingsIn case you missed any of the action, don’t worry! Now that they’re done, I’ve (slightly) recapped the past two weeks and will start by saying that if they banned crying and hugging, the whole thing would take a day, day and a half tops.

And that’s just from the announcers.

Anyway, I admit that most of my viewing consisted of hockey and whatever was on at the gym while I was in the cardio room, after which time I would be so inspired by the women’s ski jumping that I would trip getting off of the treadmill and receive a .5 deduction from the Russian judge.

There’s always 2018.

But that brings me to my first point: every Olympic event should include one average person competing, just for reference. Think about it. All the competitors did something to make it to the Olympic games that 99 percent of other people on the planet can’t do—like a triple axel on skates or speeding down an icy mountain at 80 mph.

Whenever I watch I always think, “Oh my, gosh! That was amazing!” right before the announcer says, “That was the worst performance I’ve ever seen in my life.”

It’s because I have nothing to compare it to.

Now if they threw some accountant on a snowboard and forced him to try and ride down a rail and an icy jump, that would provide me some perspective—and most likely an increased interest in watching the games.

At any rate, from what I gathered there was a judging controversy with the figure skating and ice dancing, but the only thing I know about those two events is that Johnny Weir commenting on ice dancing while looking prettier than most Russian women was like a giant middle finger to Vladimir Putin.

Gold.

In terms of hockey, it was quite disappointing, and the only real miracle on ice this Olympics was that they could fit the names of the Russian players on the back of their jerseys. Also, as TJ Oshie demonstrated, a quick way to get thousands of new Twitter followers is to score the winning goal in a shootout against Russia.

Why didn’t I think of that?

But now that the Olympics are done, you can look for the medal winners to appear in a commercial for Subway, McDonalds or Coca-Cola. These companies were sponsors of the Olympics, which is like Paris Hilton sponsoring a job fair, but America always gets the gold in ironic commercialism.

And as much as I enjoy the patriotic spirit of the Olympics, I have to admit that I’m glad people on skis with guns will now be replaced with new episodes of “Ellen” and “Modern Family.”

Plus, there are only two more years until the summer games, where much like in the winter games Swiffering becomes “curling,” ping-pong will suddenly become “table tennis.”

Let the games begin.

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Go for the Gold

The winter Olympics are coming up, so I hope you’re ready to compete for national pride!

Well, maybe you’re not an Olympic athlete in the traditional sense, but I suggest we look into some new alternative events.  After all, anyone who has slipped on a fabric softener sheet and performed a double axle on the kitchen floor knows we’ve been training our lives for these moments.

“Slush Shopping Slalom”

In this event our amateur athletes at the grocery store get behind the wheels of a grocery cart and enter not a smooth and icy track like a bobsledder gets, but the slush-filled parking lot of the store.

Large amounts of stamina are required to make it to their car in less than 10 minutes. And while lower body strength is needed to propel the cart through the slush, upper body strength is necessary to try and steer the cart away from the direction the slush wants to go—most often into another parked car.

The athlete who clocks the quickest time from the automatic door of the store to their car without taking out any pedestrians is declared the wintery winner.

“Weather Update Biathlon”

While the biathlon usually includes cross country skiing with random stops to shoot things with a rifle, this event requires the athlete to check the weather report by running to the window to see if it’s started/stopped snowing yet, checking other sources of information—Internet, TV, radio—and then shooting off updates to anyone who will listen.

Competitors who can do this the most number of times in an hour will be annoying, but also declared the winner. Extra points are given for checking more than one source simultaneously.

“Digging the Car Out of the Snow Sprint”

In this event, the athlete is given a shovel, an ice scraper, a parked car and two feet of snow. The first team to get their car out of the driveway and get to work on time wins.

Using your arms to push the snow off the hood of the car and/or the automatic car starter for the front windshield is legal, as is using various forms of profanity. However, bribing the neighbor kid to help by stealing their sled is grounds for immediate disqualification.

Bonus points are given to the competitor who can open up the driver’s side door without any snow falling onto the driver’s side seat.

“Outdoor Freestyle Photography”

Here competitors are given a digital camera and 30 minutes to go outside and take pictures of how much snow has fallen, often using things like rulers stuck in the snow for comparison and captions like, “What happened to global warming?” and “Can you believe how much snow that we got?”

After the time is up, each athlete is required to submit their top images to the judges who will decide a winner based on technical merit, required elements, presentation and number of “likes” on Facebook.

“Refuse Relay”

Athletes are timed as they put on multiple layers of clothes and run from the warmth of their house to the trash bins stationed outside, deposit the bag of trash, wheel the bin down to the curb and then sprint back into the house, all before a) the trash collector comes and b) they freeze their ass off.

This event is usually frantically done in the early morning hours on the day of trash collection, and bonus style points are given to the competitor who can take off their winter boots without losing a sock in the process.


So as you can see, this will obviously require massive amounts of carb loading and couchgating on my end. Lucky for me, unlike skiing or luge—this is an activity I’ve been training for my whole life.

Go for the gold!

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