Tag Archives: Waldo

An Application for Flavortown

Given the amount of time I spend looking at employment ads, I think I now qualify as an expert in terms of reading job descriptions. Sometimes I see one and think, “This sounds like it was written especially for me!” which I assume is what happened to the people listed below:

Job: Food Network Personality

Are you someone who could best be described as the personification of Comic Sans font in all caps lock? Do you bleach your hair on a monthly basis and like eat at dives? If so, we’re looking for YOU to host 75 percent of the shows on our network and be “the face of Food Network.”

guy

Uniform includes loud bowling shirts, massive amounts of bling and sunglasses turned backwards on your head. Must be committed to mentioning fictional Flavortown and phrases like, “Out of bounds” “Bananas!” and “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner” at least six times every episode.

Candidate: Guy Fieri

Job: Fabric Softener Mascot

Fresh-smelling, forward-thinking detergent company seeking cuddly mascot to represent our brand and soften hearts as well as the laundry.

While we could go with the traditional teddy bear, we’re looking to think outside the fabric softener sheet box for a bear with small, beady eyes and a sinister grin that says, “I can make your laundry smell fresh right after I get back from my most recent mauling” or “Your pillowcase might smell nice but be sure to sleep with one eye open.”

Candidate: The Snuggle Bear

Job: Explorer

Young Latino girl needed to fill role of bilingual “explorer” willing to forego traditional education in favor of spending her days in the woods with an anthropomorphic monkey, map and talking backpack trying to solve puzzles and riddles and find objects that are right behind her.

Must be comfortable encountering thieving foxes and grumpy old trolls while maintaining a positive attitude and traveling the world without parents. Uniform includes a T-shirt that will fit over even the most oversized football-shaped head, shorts and pristine white shoes.

Candidate: Dora

Job: TV Doctor/Talk Show Host

Do you wake up every morning and look forward to asking people about their bowel movements and telling them everything everyone is doing is wrong? Do you embrace endorsing every fad diet, supplement and dubious health claim? Then we’re looking for you to host our afternoon talk show.

A science background preferred for legal reasons, but a pseudoscience background will also be considered.  Must buy into our cult, I mean culture of belief that gluten is the cause of all world problems, everything has toxins making the world obese and green tea extract and Reiki can give cats an additional nine lives.

Candidate: Dr. Oz

Job: Doll/Reluctant Role Model

Successful applicant will be tall, blonde and in shape so that a variety of wardrobe options can be fitted accordingly and appeal to millions of girls and women worldwide.

Only applicants with more than 150 careers spanning everything from registered nurse, rock star and veterinarian to aerobics instructor, pilot and police officer will be considered. Must be prepared to be held up to unrealistic standards of being a role model based solely on looks and not education or professional history. Will be working closely with a male equivalent with a mystery profession and various sports cars who never takes off his underwear.

Candidate: Barbie

Job: Journeyman/Book Character

Seeking male to fill role as traveling book icon physically capable of carrying items like a walking stick, kettle, mallet, cup, backpack, sleeping bag, binoculars, camera, snorkel, belt, bag and shovel while hiking around the world.

Must be comfortable in large crowds and around dogs. Uniform includes red and white striped shirt, blue jeans, brown boots, black-framed glasses and a red and white bobbled hat—no exceptions or deviations allowed.

Anyone with a history of paranoia need not apply.

Candidate: Waldo

I think my work here is done. 

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(Probably)True Hollywood Stories

You might think you know who they are, but can we every really know?

mrpeanut

In this first installment of “Probably True Hollywood Stories,” we will reveal the secrets, scandals, mysteries and “where-are-they-now?” investigations of several well-known fictional characters.

Dora the Explorer

Best known for spending most of her days in the woods with a talking monkey instead of attending an actual school, Dora soon found childhood fame too much to handle. A week before her 18th birthday she was spotted wandering the countryside mumbling things like, “Say map! Say map!” and “Swiper, no swiping!” and was briefly checked into a psychiatric unit for treatment.

Upon her release she went on to write a tell-all memoir explaining why even though she was bilingual at age four, she still found it impossible to locate items right next to her. However, her real success was the launch of her clothing line tailored to women with heads the size of a football.

Uh…Khakis

The unlikely marriage of Flo, the annoyingly upbeat and enthusiastic employee for Progressive Insurance, and Jake from State Farm, the representative for a competing company, was initially smooth sailing.

However, it was soon reported that Flo became increasing suspicious of Jake’s 3 a.m. phone calls from women asking “What are you wearing?” and his friendship with the pink-haired secret agent Erin from Esurance.

When asked for comment, Flo was quoted as saying, “She sounds hideous.”

Waldo Finds Himself

His distinctive red-and-white-striped shirt, bobble hat and glasses made Waldo universally recognizable in a crowd, but what was hidden was the inner turmoil he was dealing with in his life.

After his girlfriend Wilma left him citing abandonment issues—and taking Woof the dog with her, as well—it was revealed that Waldo began to suffer from social anxiety and a paranoia that people were looking for him. Once a prolific traveler, he stopped making public appearances and only discreetly surfaced in large crowds.

Last year he resurfaced with the announcement he was settling down “somewhere in the world” with his fiancé, Carmen SanDiego, and opening a spiritual colony.

That’s Nuts

Mr.Peanut, depicted as an anthropomorphic legume dressed in the formal clothing of an old-fashioned gentleman — top hat, white gloves, a cane and that signature monocle—became one of the best-known advertising icons in modern times.

But with the rise in peanut allergies nationwide, Mr. Peanut was quoted as saying he needed to, “Up his game” and “find a look that will bespeak my status, whilst also matching my white gloves and high-top leather shoes.” Finding traditional glasses unsatisfactory, Mr. P went on to undergo Lasik surgery.

The results proved disastrous, both personally and professionally, as a glitch in the procedure rendered him blanched and then roasted in color. Planters soon terminated their partnership citing breach of contract. Mr. Peanut now resides in Mexico with his wife and their little bambinos.

Mystery Mayhem

Known as the brains behind a successful ghost catching business, Velma was shocked when the group decided to split, leaving her unemployed with only “that burned-out loser and a freakin’ dog,” as she was quoted as saying on E!

Scorned, Velma went on to write an expose titled, “Mayhem in the Mystery Machine,” in which she claims Fred and Daphne refused to do any work, often “disappearing” together and returning looking roughed up but yet with no clues; that Shaggy was in a constant smoke/snack/slack cycle that included his own special “Scooby Snacks”; and that the Mystery Van was actually a odorous death trap due to driving through swamps.

When reached for comment about these claims, the group only responded with: “Ruh-roh.”

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Where’s Waldo? Probably in Therapy

Patient Name: Harold, but goes by “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”

Session notes: Patient has possible abandonment issues due to lack of parental supervision after birth and has taken to “feeding his feelings” instead of working through them.

Requested he keep a food journal and how he felt at the time: 1 apple, 2 pears, 3 plums, 4 strawberries, 5 oranges, piece of chocolate cake, ice cream cone, pickle, slice of Swiss cheese, slice of salami, lollipop, piece of cherry pie, 1 sausage, cupcake, slice of watermelon, 1 green leaf. Said, “I felt hungry. I ate food. I felt better.”

Also made mention of wanting to curl up and hide for a couple of weeks, wishing he could emerge and be accepted for who he was—a colorful, sometimes flightly man with a love for Cher and the theater. Kept asking if I had any snacks.


Patient Name: Goldilocks

Session notes: Court-ordered session as part of breaking and entering charge. When asked about most recent incident, patient’s only comments were “Why do they have separate beds if all they really need is a Sleep Number?” and “Who the heck still eats porridge?”

Obvious entitlement and boundary issues laced with a bit of OCD—she tried out three different chairs in my office before settling into one.


Patient Name: Belle

Session notes: Possible delusional tendencies and troubling urges towards bestiality. Describes some of her best friends as household appliances that spend a majority of their time singing and dancing and refers to her boyfriend as a “beast.”

Came to therapy because of said relationship issues. Apparently conflict because money is tight and none of the dishes or household products actually work, as “a talking candlestick and chipped, chatty tea cup don’t do much more than provide an audience for our arguments about his hair in the sink and the fact that my dad won’t move out.”


Patient Name: Waldo

Session notes: Patient suffers from social anxiety disorder. Makes public appearances, but only discreetly surfaces in large crowds of people and insists on wearing the same clothes each day—thick, black-framed glasses, red and white striped shirt, red and white cap. Mysterious about his career and personal life and is paranoid that people are constantly looking for him.

Claims he wants to work through his urges to isolate so that he can pursue his dream of being a photographer for the local paper because he “feels more comfortable behind the camera.” Wants to attend Comic Con next year.


Patient Name: Snow White

Session notes: So many things with this one. If I am to believe her, a troubled family situation with an evil stepmom, a “witch” in her words, apparently drove her to break into the house of male midgets where she ate their food and fell asleep before waking up to accept a position as their unpaid friend with benefits. Follow this up with a necrophilia-driven boyfriend during a near-death experience and a shotgun wedding, and no wonder this chick needs some help.

Need to work on her co-dependency issues and need for approval from men.

*Note to self: Pitch her storyline for possible reality show. Crime, dwarfs, sex—throw in some cupcakes or a bacon element and it really can’t miss. Maybe “Dwarf Dynasty” or “Bachelorette” meets “Little People” Just working titles, of course.

**Another note to self: Reschedule “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe” until she can find a babysitter. Remember to discuss contraception. This is getting ridiculous.

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