Tag Archives: vegan

Snackin’ Around the Christmas Tree

It’s been a while since I’ve serenaded vegan food in song or questionable rhymes, so I figured a seasonal selection of holiday hymns were in order. So fa-la-la and bon appetite!


Oh Broccoli Tree

(Sung to O Christmas Tree)

Oh broccoli tree, Oh broccoli tree,

I steam you every dinner.

Oh broccoli tree, Oh broccoli tree,

To me you are a winner.

Not only green when summer’s here,

But also when it’s cold and drear.

Oh broccoli tree, Oh broccoli tree,

To me you are a winner.

Oh broccoli tree, Oh broccoli tree,

Such flavor do you bring me!

Oh broccoli tree, Oh broccoli tree,

Such pleasure do you bring me!

Each fresh floret,

Each diced up crown.

Completes a meal I want to down.

Oh broccoli tree, Oh broccoli tree,

To me you are a winner.

Pizza Pie Rocks

(Sung to “Jingle Bell Rock”)

Pizza pie, pizza pie, pizza pie rocks.

Pizza with cheese or the toppings you please.

Turn on the oven to preheat the fun,

Now the pizza love has begun.

Pizza pie, pizza pie, pizza pie rocks.

Pizza’s sublime at just any time.

Cooking and smelling the oregano there,

Wafting through the air.

What a bright time, it’s the right time,

To snack the night away.

Pizza pie time is a swell time,

To go eating and improve on your day.

Hurry-up, oven, come and pick up the pace.

I want to stuff my face.

Put on yoga pants and kick up my feet.Because pizza pie,

Because pizza pie,

Because pizza pie rocks.

Hummus Night

(Sung to “Silent Night”)

Hummus last night, hummus tonight.

You’re so smooth, and so light.

Round yon chickpeas and tahini paste,

Add some garlic for that perfect taste.

Eat it any way you please.

Eat it any way you please.

Hummus last night, hummus tonight.

Any time, is pure delight.

Eaten in salad or slathered on grains,

Pita or crackers or just spooned up plain.

Hummus, you do no wrong.

Hummus, you do no wrong.

Hummus last night, hummus tonight.

Taste buds quake, at the sight.

Glories stream from X above

Those who eat it know it tastes like love.

A snacking savior is born.

A snacking savoir is born.

Have Yourself a Perfect Avocado

(Sung to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”)

Have yourself a perfect avocado,

That is ripe and right.

Not too dark,

but also not too hard and light.

Have yourself a perfect avocado,

Make a wrap or dips,

Smashed on bread,

or served along with healthy chips.

Here we are in the grocery store,

Choosing our new fruit and more.

Faithful foods that are dear to us

Will come home with us once more.

Through the years our tastes may change a little,

But I must avow.

An avocado is a food I’ll keep somehow.

So have yourself a perfect avocado now.

Snackin’ Around the Christmas Tree

(Sung to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)

Snackin’ around the Christmas tree

At the Christmas party hop,

Tables of food that you can see,

And at which you have to stop.

Snackin’ around the Christmas tree,

Let the Christmas “spirits” ring,

We’ll have a glass of red and white,

And screw the caroling.

You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear,

Voices singing, “Let’s be merry!”

Look! There’s bread and cake with berries.

Snackin’ around the Christmas tree,

Have a happy holiday.

Everyone eating merrily,

In the true food lovers way!

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Desperado for Avocado

Ladies and gentlemen, “Veginem” will be back with an Ode to Asparagus in a couple of posts. But today we are going to honor the amazing avocado with a song I ask be sung to the “Eagles” tune “Desperado”).

Avocado, why don’t you come to your ripeness?
You’ve been out on my counter for so long now.

Oh, you’re a hard one,
I know that you got your reasons
But this isn’t pleasin’ me,
So get ripe right now.

Don’t you want to be enjoyed by me?
I’ll eat you if I’m able,
I know the sandwich route is always my best bet.


Now it seems to me, some other things
Have been laid upon my table
But I only want the ones that I can’t get.

Avocado, oh, I ain’t gettin’ no younger.
My pain and my hunger, they’re drivin’ me mad.
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’
Your purpose is being part of the food that I had.

Don’t you want to be used at my dinner time?
I’ll smash you up and make your flavors shine.
It’s hard to do when you aren’t ripe today.

I’m feeling all the hunger pangs.
And this feeling, it won’t ever go away.

Avocado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from my counter, get on my plate.

It may be scary, when there’s a knife poised above you,
But you better let somebody eat you, before it’s too late.

Side note: If you do want to hurry along the “ripening” process, you can stick an avocado in a brown paper bag. I can vouch for that one.

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Blinded By the Light

I had to go to the eye doctor last week.

My old one retired and I had been putting it off, but I decided to be an adult and go get a check-up, if only to see if they offered new lenses that could filter out everyone’s Instagram selfies or give me that sexy librarian look.

No and no, by the way.

Anyway, what they tell you:

Bring along the paperwork with your contact information, (lack of) vision insurance data and any family history of glaucoma, cataracts or having their eyes poked out with a sharp stick back in the 50s—or something extensively similar along those lines.

What they don’t tell you:

Everyone who works in the office will wear glasses. I don’t know if they’re unaware that contacts exist or if they only hire people with eye issues as to appear sympathetic to patients, but even the fish in the tank will have little sea spectacles so as to better see the algae they’re gumming.

Unlike other doctor visits, it is not—I repeat NOT—necessary to strip down to your underwear in the exam room while waiting for the doctor to see you. Good to know for next time.

The doctor will attempt—and temporarily succeed—to turn you into a demented X-Men/vampire character.

I wasn’t aware that was part of the deal, but after the exam he tilted my head back, put in two different kinds of drops, gave me a tissue and told me he would be back in 10 minutes once my eyes dilated.

I returned my head to the upright position and had the strange sensation of my eyes leaking — I think sensitive people call this “crying”— and I wiped away artificially-dyed yellow tears.

I sat there waiting with burning and blurring eyes until he came back, jammed a flashlight into my face and declared me in good optical health. In fact, I didn’t even need to get new glasses.

At this point in the darkened room I had no idea I was in the middle of a mutant transformation. He warned me that the light would be bright walking out, and I resisted the urge to ask him if water in the sink would be wet. It seemed like an obvious statement. Light is bright. Thanks for the tip, there buddy!

Until I walked into the wall.

Once the door was opened and I was thrust into the light, I felt like a vampire pulled from my cave. I bounced off the wall like a ping-pong ball as he gently guided my arm to the desk where I paid for the bruise on my head and the yellow tears in my eyes.

I stumbled to the car, quickly slipped on my sunglasses and let my eyes adjust for a bit before driving. And I waited—at least a good two or three minutes—and then took a look at myself in the mirror.


Not only was my one coat of mascara washed off, but I had become a creature with yellow corneas, dilated pupils so large only a tiny strip of green iris was left and the vision of Mr. Magoo. Great for Halloween, not so much for doing things like being seen in public or seeing anything in general.

I realized I could see far away but not up close, so I quickly slipped my sunglasses back on (out of necessity) and made my way to the gas station where my lack of clear vision up close resulted in spending an extra $10 just trying to get the pump to end on an even amount.

Once I finally arrived back home and determined it was not in fact a giant rat in my kitchen but the cat—a cat that took one look at my eyes and went running away—I shut all the blinds, slipped on my sunglasses and stumbled onto the couch.

Now I’m not saying I needed Wolverine’s claws—I’m clumsy with a butter knife—but I did kind of want a new power to go with my dilated pupils. Heck, I would have settled for eyelashes that didn’t get stuck in my eye.

Way to do your job and keep crap out of my eye, eyelashes!

But I guess I’ll settle for the return of “normal” eyes, the ability to go out in the sun and a Halloween costume idea–a vegan vampire. 

Works for me.

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