Tag Archives: underwear

The Holiest Thing About Me Is My Socks

It’s no secret that I’m not actually a fashion diva–or into wearing anything other than my “good” T-shirt or yoga pants when going out in public. 

look

But there are small little things that exemplify the ridiculousness of this situation. 

Scene 1: I’m walking across the tiled kitchen floor when I feel a cold spot somewhere on the bottom of my sock. I lift up my foot to make sure I didn’t step in something and notice a hole there instead.

Scene 2: I’m two minutes into a walk when my underwear either suction themselves into a killer wedgie or are too big and sag down instead.

Scene 3: I’m halfway to some ridiculous obligation that requires wearing the world’s most uncomfortable bra, which pretty much describes anything that’s not a sports bra.

In all three scenarios, the logical conclusion to each scene would show me removing said article of clothing and promptly throwing it away. After all, they are uncomfortable and/or old and falling apart. I am not a homeless person and I can afford to buy new socks and underwear and throw the old away.

But I also have a short attention span, so something usually distracts me between “remember to take off those socks and throw them away” and actually taking off the socks and throwing them away. My guess is it’s usually something shiny or that makes a cool noise…

Anyway, the bra is another story.

I have around, oh, one “big girl bra” that I can wear without feeling like a corset is wrapped around my chest.* 

*I realize I could go get fitted and get something fancy, but seeing as my concave boobs take up as much real estate as the mosquito bite on my arm, I’m really not willing to pay. Plus, I only have to wear a “real” bra every blue moon. 

With that said, I have a handful of bras and underwear in my drawer that serve no purpose. They are uncomfortable, but yet they’re still there and accidentally worn on occasion simply because I forget and, well, they’re still there.

They’re like those people you can’t stand that you haven’t seen for a while. You think, “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they’re not that annoying and I can talk to them without wishing for a Xanax salt lick.”

But then “bam!” Two minutes in you realize you should have told them you had to go detail the cat litter box, or in the case of the underwear, you wish you had simply just thrown them away.

So let this be a cautionary tale to you.

If you have holes in your socks, if the elastic on a pair of underwear you bought in a Hanes six-pack is gone or the bra that you have is causing you to stab yourself in the leg with a butter knife, just throw them away.

Save yourself.

Learn from my mistakes.

Don’t be a hero.

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The War on Wedgies

While I am a grown woman, I’m not “girly-girly” at all, and the description of my wardrobe and beauty regime can be summed up with “comfort” and “if I have to.”

But when you think about it, the things that women do in the name of beauty are rather ridiculous. Do men let strange women attack their face with hot wax? Do they stuff their legs into nylons like a sausage is stuffed in a casing? Do they glue fake eyelashes on their eyelids and stick multiple hoops through their ears?

OK, some of them do, but most of them don’t and neither do I.

I understand wanting to look nice and whatnot, but women just complicate things. Men don’t complicate things. While some women worry if pants make their ass look big, I highly doubt that men worry if a pair of jeans makes their penis look small.

But there’s no greater proof than the comfort chasm between the sexes when it comes down to underwear.

underwear-mishap

Not all underwear, of course, but the fancy crap.

I get that one is expected to own something a bit sexier than a six-pack of Hanes from Target and agree that everyone should have something small (or medium or large) they can wear that makes them feel good. Even if no one ever sees the contents of it in action, a little extra color or some leopard print design might be just what you need to get your proverbial panties out of a bunch some days.

But let’s be practical, people.

For the cost of one pair of those fancy underoos, you can purchase a dozen pair that you won’t have to try and discreetly pull out of your crotch by pretending to get something from the front of your jeans.

Don’t act like you haven’t done it.

For most men, (hopefully) clean is their favorite color of underwear and they would probably rather have you comfortable and happy instead of distracted by the thread creeping far up your ass.

So to summarize: What’s the point of wearing something uncomfortable that practically nobody else sees anyway? Okay, okay. In the interest of balance, I’ll play devil’s advocate.

Perhaps you are some sex maven that can do a triple back flip off your sex swing with perfect form, and wearing a $45 thong is necessary to complete your performance and dazzle the spontaneous suitors you entertain on a daily basis.

But for the majority of us who have retired the sex swing in favor of a Papasan chair, it just doesn’t make that much sense.

And I have to think that if by chance you are swept up in a spontaneous moment, your suitor most likely won’t care if you’re wearing a Victoria’s Secret four-color, invisible line lacy bikini bottom with magic unicorn dust or a Ziploc bag bedazzled with Puff Paint and scented magic markers.

Save the money and the stress of a wedgie-filled existence.

It’s truly what’s inside that counts.

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book here. Why? It has stories about drunk nuns, Vanilla Ice and adventures at the ATM. It’s obviously destined to be an American classic.

P.S. I’m nosy and have to think a couple of you are nosy, so I’m toying with doing an “Ask Abby Anything” post. If you have questions about anything—me, writing, picking up men in Home Depot—either email me or leave a comment on my Facebook page. If I actually have interest, I’ll use them in a future post that will probably embarrass me.

Sharing Victoria’s Secret

A few of you mentioned that given the nature of some of the search terms for my blog, I must write about underwear a lot.

In reality, I only did one post about a year ago in which I mentioned some underwear survey I read about and then wished for a pair of underwear I could slip on that would magically help me find a metaphorical emotional balance somewhere between a thong and granny panties.

The post was lame, but it apparently brings in some interesting search terms, and a few weeks ago it brought in one interesting email. I am not including the name of the other person, as I’m sure she’s a nice (or a psycho that would seek revenge) and it’s not my intent to poke fun of her.

However, this email thread was weird and went exactly as I have it below.

HER: I have a silly question, so please forgive the oddness of my request.  I’ve been trying to find the old second skin panties Victoria’s Secret used to make. I some how ended up with a pair a while back and ever since I’ve been on this ridiculous hunt trying to find them all. Of course VS stopped making them years ago.

I noticed you had a lot of them in one of your photos from a post in 2010. Is there any chance you still have them? I’ve been trying so hard to find them, but the only way to get them now is from someone who bought them originally.

I’m sorry if that sounded odd,

Thanks!

ME: Yikes! I wasn’t expecting that question, and I’m afraid you’ll be bummed by my answer. First of all, I bought those years ago, so I’m not sure if they still sell them or not. Second, I’m not too into sending my underwear to other people, as nice as those people may be. Maybe you can get some online?
Good luck!

HER: I hope I didn’t offend you or anything with that question. 😦

ME: It was a bit odd and I’m not sure if you were serious, but it takes a lot to offend me. Good luck with your search!

HER: Aww. Come on! They stopped making them years ago 😦 I’m sorry, I know it’s an odd question but it would mean sooooooooo much too me. I’ve been looking for years trying to find them all. Please consider it Abby!

ME: What am I supposed to be considering? Giving you my underwear? Are you serious? Yes, now this is weird. It’s not like I have a stash of discontinued VS underwear I’m hoarding and not selling to you. It’s a couple pairs of underwear–my underwear–that have been worn. Why would you want those?

HER: I’m sorry. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not up to any evil shenanigans. It’s just that Victoria’s Secret discontinued them a long time ago and after writing them many times they said they don’t bring back old styles. Most of the ones I have were given to me by other women and they were all happy to part with them.

It may seem odd to you but I don’t mind if they’re used and I’m sorry you found that weird.They’re just one of those odd favorites in life. I would love to see what ones you have and even buy them if they’re the right ones, but if you’re not ready to part with them or have an issue with it again I’m sorry for being so blunt.

ME: That’s okay. To be honest, I’m not even sure which pair we’re talking about, but I think I would like to keep them anyway. But like I said, I wish you luck with your search.

HER: OK. For the sake of it, the leopard prints along with the two blue pairs with flowers are second skin from VS. I think 6-7 of what I can see in that photo are Second Skin. Anyway, those are what I’m looking so hard for.

Take care and if you change your mind, I would still love for you to send them my way!

undies

Picture from that post.

For the record, I wear almost none of these—they were gifts and have a long backstory—but I refuse to send my underwear to a complete stranger who requests them over the Internet.

Unless, of course, that stranger is a hot Canadian hockey player. Then those suckers are headed for the mail.

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(Book does not include complimentary pair of underwear.)

Panty Raid

I see London, I see France. Let’s talk about some underpants.

The people of ShopSmart magazine conducted a telephone survey of 1,008 women 18 and older about intimate apparel. It turns out that women own an average of 21 pairs of underwear, and many say an ill-fitting or ugly pair can ruin their day.

underwear-mishap

Almost half of women (47 percent) said they feel sexier and more confident wearing a nice or special pair of panties.

(Side note: I hate the word “panties.”)

Anyway, the findings reported included:

  • 27 percent said their mood is affected by wearing an ill-fitting or unattractive pair of undies.
  • 10 percent of women own 35 or more pairs.
  • 65 percent buy neutral colors, with white being the most popular, followed by black and beige.
  • Overall, 46 percent of women say briefs are the style they wear the most often. However, women age 18-34 are more likely to wear the bikini style.
  • 56 percent of women fold their panties; 27 percent just toss them in the drawer.
  • 1 in 10 women admit that they will venture out of the house without underwear.
  • Half of women have complaints about the way their underwear fit, with "wedgies" (30 percent) topping that list, followed by "doesn’t lay flat under clothes" (19 percent) and "not enough coverage in the rear" (14 percent).

I conducted an informal survey with myself and the findings reported included:

  • I own a total of 64 pairs of underwear. This is ridiculous, as I only wear around 20. The others are either too small or uncomfortable in some way, yet I hold onto them like there will be a skivvy shortage any day now. (It’s weird because unlike pants or shirts, you can’t just donate them to Goodwill or something. Throwing them away seems wasteful in some way. Yes, that’s my excuse on this one.)
  • Clean is my favorite color. Fun designs catch my eye, but I don’t really sit around starting at my underwear, so it’s not of the utmost importance.
  • Women actually fold their underwear?
  • While I’m rather hippie-dippy on a lot of things, I don’t leave the house without my hand sanitizer, much less underwear. Who is this one person? Presumably not someone who folds her underwear. 
  • Wedgies are an issue, although I have no shame on fixing the situation in a stealth-like manner. “I would rather fix it and bear the shame than leave it there and bear the pain.” We all need a mantra.
  • “Not enough coverage in the rear?” My grandma once told me she was going to buy me padded panties to give me an actual ass, so lack of coverage is not an issue. Sigh…above or below.

Conclusion?

Anything that causes discomfort can ruin your day, so an ill-fitting pair of underwear is no exception. The kicker is that I will usually forget how uncomfortable they were after I wash them and find them in the back of my drawer months later and wonder, “Why don’t I ever wear these anymore?” Then I’m forced to chant my mantra until I get home, throw them in the wash and forget about them again.

Thus, the cycle continues.

Ugly underwear don’t have the power to sway my day, at least they haven’t yet, and I don’t really feel some superpower from wearing something fancy. This could be because I don’t (usually) prance around in my underwear. But it’s true that when I feel good and confident in whatever I have on, it just translates into everything else I do.

(Another side note: Truthfully? If I still looked the way I used to and was given the option, I would be an underwear/sexy costume/runway model in a heartbeat. I love occasionally wearing something that let’s me show my inner sass on the outside and yes, I am an attention whore at times.)

But admit it ladies.

We all have the “special” drawer of underwear that we go to when we want to put a little extra pep in the step, am I right?

undies

Everyone should have a special drawer filled with something small (or medium, or large) you can do for yourself that no one has to know about. Even if no one ever sees the contents of it in action, a little extra color or some leopard print design might be just what you need to get your proverbial panties out of a bunch some days.

And while some days I wish there was a pair of underwear I could slip on that would magically help me find an emotional balance somewhere between a thong and granny panties, so to speak, I know you can’t expect miracles from underwear.

Ask my push-up bra.

How do you rank with the survey results—not mine, but the actual survey?

Do you have a favorite pair? A lucky pair?