Tag Archives: traveling

Houston, We Have a Problem

I’m still in Houston but thought I would drop in a minute so that when I get home Monday night I can pretend this whole trip never happened and go back to blogging about normal neurosis.

Why?

Because the day before I left I thought I was getting a cold, but it turned out to be some version of the flu. This whole trip I’ve been dealing with a migraine, runny nose, cough that rivals an emphysemic geriatric and feeling as if I’ve been body-slammed by an elephant. Add in airline travel, long days and general crap and fun times are abounding!

Although Uncle June tried to claim it, I’ve been curling up in this robe in the moments between work and the chills.

Although Uncle June tried to claim it, I’ve been curling up in this robe in the moments between work and the chills.

Anyway, my whining is over. Probably.

As an apology I will share a few insights and pictures, simply because I don’t have the mental capacity to actually do anything more than that and I’m doped up on DayQuil.

Dr. June to the rescue!

Dr. June to the rescue!

If the fate of the world depended on me figuring out how to collapse the ironing board in my hotel room, we would all be doomed. No matter how I flip it around and hit it with random things—nothing.

However, when life hands you lemons, stick them in your shirt to make it look like you actually have boobs. Or just use the ironing board as a table for some of your junk, which is exactly what I’ve been doing.

Even though I bring my hotel flip-flops, I will still request extra towels to use as “yellow brick road” of sorts from the shower to my socks in the other room.

One of the fashion shows.

One of the fashion shows.

After stuffing 350 sponsor goody bags with products at the House of Blues for the event we put on for 800 people, one might just become delirious and try on leftover fishnets, Smurf hats and blinking glow-in-the-dark glasses.

HighestHeel

Or glow-in-the-dark shoes, perhaps?

There is nothing scarier than dragging your sick ass into the bathroom in the middle of the night and coming face to face with yourself in the magnifying mirror.

I’m pretty sure a majority of travel days are spent waiting for the automated sink/soap/paper towel dispensers to work.

I pretty much look like this, except I don't wear a dress.

I pretty much look like this, except I don’t wear a dress.

Despite looking like death, a lot of people walking around the show recognize me from my picture each month in the magazine. Hearing them tell me they enjoy the publication I put together each month is always satisfying.

At least I think that’s what they said. Again, maybe it was a hallucination.

On a positive note, I took a few minutes to sit on a park bench outside the convention center and no one threw money at me under the assumption that I was a homeless person. I consider that a win!

icerink

An outdoor skating rink in Texas? Sure, why not?

Anyway, this post is lame and I’m sure you’re thinking, “But that looks like fun!” At this point I will remind you that I missed the fun because I was sick and just want my own bed, shower and food.

Crap. I guess I wasn’t done whining quite yet.

At any rate, the next time I post I’ll be home and I promise something better than this. Probably. For now, another picture of the world’s happiest animal, as promised.

How can you not smile?

My furry little peace offering.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

Humor me. What’s been your worst traveling experience?

Gnome Poem

Alternate title—a final recap before moving on with my life

New York was less than stellar,

Of that I must admit.

But Uncle June still wants to share

some really random shit.

juniorcomputer

Photos weren’t taken

of the work that we got through.

I made some great connections

and I learned a thing or two.

But a gnome would have seemed out of place,

despite the artsy group.

So he stayed back tucked in my purse

and fell out of the loop.

Yes, Uncle June was rather bored,

And posed with boring food.

junesalad

With time and choices limited,

It wore upon his mood.

I did get to try lobster once

And learned it’s too much work.

Spending time to find the food

To me is not a perk.

But since I wasn’t paying

I just figure, no harm done.

Plus I got to wear a bib,

And that was kind of fun.

Side note: I should always wear a bib.

Times Square hasn’t changed much

Since the two years I’ve been there.

Lots of stores and people,

Cowboys in their underwear.

07_cowboy_lg

People stopping in mid-stride

To photograph some crap.

Not looking up before they fall

Into a tourist trap.

But walking through the city you see

trends of every kind.

Some I think are very weird

while others blow my mind.

And one that I can’t get behind

is feathers in the hair.

Feathers1

(But remember nothing changes

when you stick them way down there.)

When it’s raining as it was each day,

the cabs are slim to none.

So you end up walking through the rain

which isn’t very fun.

Not to say that cabs are really

that much fun to take.

It seems that every driver has

no concept of a brake.

In fact, my cab ride leaving town

was anything but plain.

My driver swore and ate some soup

while weaving through the lanes.

alg_nyc_cabs

I swear I saw a pigeon

flip him off as we sped by.

It was anything but Cash Cab

but at least I didn’t die.

Anyway, I guess that’s it

my trip is now complete.

I’ve griped about the travel

and the things I had to eat.

(Now we can move on to topics

yet to be selected.

Important things like peeing that

I might just have neglected.)

So Uncle June bids you adieu

and thanks you for your time.

He hopes to see you once again

to share another rhyme.

(Just not about traveling, of course.)

Uncle June

I would like to introduce you to Uncle June.

june

As you can see as he poses on my living room table, along with a dirty nose and a slightly vacant look in his eyes, Uncle June also has his suitcase. Why, you might ask? Because Uncle June keeps me company whenever I have to travel for work.

In fact, Uncle June has been to Orlando, Las Vegas (he was quite hard to handle on The Strip,) Houston twice, Dallas, New York a couple of times (he enjoys Central Park,) on a Dune Buggy expedition and even to Tennessee the last time I went (I took his picture on my balcony with the mountains as a background—he’s a trooper.)

I don’t feel like searching for all the pictures, so you’ll have to take my word for it.

He has been my little touchstone when the plane takes off—the worst part for me—and my dining companion through countless expensed meals. (While most people feel funny dining alone, I have no reservations placing a three-inch gnome across the booth from me in a fine dining restaurant or café and taking his picture.)

When I was in New York, people saw me positioning him “just so” in Times Square and volunteered to take our picture together. It was nice, in a creepy “I’m posing with a little gnome” sort of way.

So, yes, Uncle June (named after “Uncle” Junior Soprano from “The Sopranos”) has been quite the traveling buddy the past few years.

You now know where he’s been, but where did he come from? My mom gave him to me as a joke, as you might remember we have a little “gnome” thing we do back and forth.

gnomegarden

(He’s too big to travel so he stays in the garden.)

And to be honest, the past few times I’ve pretty much just taken him out for the obligatory picture to send back to her, but I always take him along. It can’t hurt to have a little piece of home in a gnome secure in my carry-on, now can it?

I think not.