Tag Archives: this is how my mind works

Kanye West: “Weed Digger”

It’s been awhile since I’ve serenaded you with veggie verses, so it’s my pleasure to present to you my take on Kanye West’s Golddigger,” with a gardening spin.

 Weed Digger”

weeddigger

She gives me veggies, when I’m in need

Yeah she’s a gardening friend indeed

Oh she’s a weed digger, way over town

That digs on me.

Chorus:

(She gives me veggies.)

Now I ain’t sayin’ she a weed digger (when I’m in need)

But all these plants are getting bigger, bigger.

(She gives me veggies)

Now I ain’t sayin’ she a weed digger (when I’m in need)

But all these plants are getting bigger, bigger.

Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)

Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)

Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)

Get down girl gone head

18 plants, 18 plants

She got one of every kind, about 18 plants

I know somebody putting stakes up for all of those beans,

Her green thumb mamma helps secure it so that it never leans.

You will see her there outside on any given day

Digging up the dandelions out from the clay.

She was supposed to buy some new clothes with some of her money

But went down to the greenhouse and got seeds with that money

Now she keeping her plants safe from that meddling bunny,

So that it doesn’t eat the greens she bought with all of her money.

If you ain’t no punk, holla “We want turnips!

WE WANT TURNIPS!” Yeah.

It’s something that you need to know

‘Cause what you’ll see when you go to her home.

18 plants, 18 plants

And in her flowers you can find a happy little gnome.

Chorus:

Now I ain’t saying she’s a weed digger (she got needs)

She don’t want her yard to suck, so she pulls those weeds

Her OCD compels her every day to rake up the leaves,

There’s green beans in the back, so she rolls up her sleeves

She got that ambition, baby, look in her eyes

This week she’s picking peppers you would normally buy.

So, stick by her side

I know this girl is crazy, but the garden is nice

And she gonna keep weeding and trying

But you stay right there

‘Cause when you need some good tomatoes she is willing to share.

Get down girl go head get down

Get down girl go head get down

Get down girl go head get down

Get down girl go head

(lemme hear that back)

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(Probably)True Hollywood Stories

You might think you know who they are, but can we every really know?

mrpeanut

In this first installment of “Probably True Hollywood Stories,” we will reveal the secrets, scandals, mysteries and “where-are-they-now?” investigations of several well-known fictional characters.

Dora the Explorer

Best known for spending most of her days in the woods with a talking monkey instead of attending an actual school, Dora soon found childhood fame too much to handle. A week before her 18th birthday she was spotted wandering the countryside mumbling things like, “Say map! Say map!” and “Swiper, no swiping!” and was briefly checked into a psychiatric unit for treatment.

Upon her release she went on to write a tell-all memoir explaining why even though she was bilingual at age four, she still found it impossible to locate items right next to her. However, her real success was the launch of her clothing line tailored to women with heads the size of a football.

Uh…Khakis

The unlikely marriage of Flo, the annoyingly upbeat and enthusiastic employee for Progressive Insurance, and Jake from State Farm, the representative for a competing company, was initially smooth sailing.

However, it was soon reported that Flo became increasing suspicious of Jake’s 3 a.m. phone calls from women asking “What are you wearing?” and his friendship with the pink-haired secret agent Erin from Esurance.

When asked for comment, Flo was quoted as saying, “She sounds hideous.”

Waldo Finds Himself

His distinctive red-and-white-striped shirt, bobble hat and glasses made Waldo universally recognizable in a crowd, but what was hidden was the inner turmoil he was dealing with in his life.

After his girlfriend Wilma left him citing abandonment issues—and taking Woof the dog with her, as well—it was revealed that Waldo began to suffer from social anxiety and a paranoia that people were looking for him. Once a prolific traveler, he stopped making public appearances and only discreetly surfaced in large crowds.

Last year he resurfaced with the announcement he was settling down “somewhere in the world” with his fiancé, Carmen SanDiego, and opening a spiritual colony.

That’s Nuts

Mr.Peanut, depicted as an anthropomorphic legume dressed in the formal clothing of an old-fashioned gentleman — top hat, white gloves, a cane and that signature monocle—became one of the best-known advertising icons in modern times.

But with the rise in peanut allergies nationwide, Mr. Peanut was quoted as saying he needed to, “Up his game” and “find a look that will bespeak my status, whilst also matching my white gloves and high-top leather shoes.” Finding traditional glasses unsatisfactory, Mr. P went on to undergo Lasik surgery.

The results proved disastrous, both personally and professionally, as a glitch in the procedure rendered him blanched and then roasted in color. Planters soon terminated their partnership citing breach of contract. Mr. Peanut now resides in Mexico with his wife and their little bambinos.

Mystery Mayhem

Known as the brains behind a successful ghost catching business, Velma was shocked when the group decided to split, leaving her unemployed with only “that burned-out loser and a freakin’ dog,” as she was quoted as saying on E!

Scorned, Velma went on to write an expose titled, “Mayhem in the Mystery Machine,” in which she claims Fred and Daphne refused to do any work, often “disappearing” together and returning looking roughed up but yet with no clues; that Shaggy was in a constant smoke/snack/slack cycle that included his own special “Scooby Snacks”; and that the Mystery Van was actually a odorous death trap due to driving through swamps.

When reached for comment about these claims, the group only responded with: “Ruh-roh.”

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A Missed Opportunity

Deep thought: What came first—the color orange or the fruit?

Did someone look at the fruit and think, “That’s the color orange, so we’ll just call in an orange!” and if it was unripe and green, it would have been called a green? Or were they like, “This fruit, an orange, is also a great name for a color—one that can be created by mixing red and yellow and that people will never be able to rhyme with?”

The same could be said for grapes and grapefruit.

Why is a grape a grape but then a grapefruit is a fruit that in no way resembles an actual grape in taste or aesthetic? Was the person who labeled something as “Ugli” fruit out of the office that day or what?

Sorry. I do have a point.

Obviously a cook cooks and a copy machine makes copies, but other descriptions aren’t quite as clear. There are some missed opportunities out there for classifications—ones that would make much more sense (I’m sure the male “ladybug” would agree.)


Aerobics Instructor = Cardio-logist

Stepdad = Faux Pas

“Step” anything just sounds weird, so I propose we call him a “faux pas.” It’s both descriptive and exotic because it’s French and anything French just sounds fancy.

Cubicle = Cuticle

The word “cubicle” conjures up unpleasant images of work and the word “cuticle” conjures up unpleasant images of those weird little pieces of skin on your fingers. I propose we change these things so “cuticle” represents a cutely decorated cubicle, enhancing the work situation (at least in descriptions.)

Stomach = Food processor

Cash = Pay-per

This only makes sense. What do you do with cash other than pay for things? Sure, you might fold a $1 bill into an origami football to flick back and forth once in awhile, but otherwise you’re “paying” for things. Ergo, “pay-per.”

Shampoo = Hair freshener

Auto Body Mechanics = Dent-ists

Hello? How was this not a thing? While they have many jobs not related to external maintenance, they often tend to car dents. Therefore, they are technically dent-ists. You’re welcome.

Astronomers = Skyintists

Chiropractors = Crack Dealers

I adore my chiropractor but feel a little funny saying I go to the chiropractor, only because it kind of sounds a) pretentious, although the visits are medically necessary and b) like a dinosaur, which sounds cool but then disappointing when it’s a doctor and not a dinosaur. Plus, saying I have a crack dealer gives me street cred as a skinny Polish white girl.

Shoes = Foot Lockers

Gynecologist = Privates Investigators

I’m not sure this one needs an explanation, but I feel the new title more accurately describes the duties of these medical miners.


Looking at the list I guess it could be a little weird if someone saw you had appointments for a privates investigator and a crack dealer on the same day, but that’s what creepy people—henceforth known as “creeples”—get for snooping.

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