Between you and me, I would love to have a job that required me to write a humor and/or advice column every week, kind of like Carrie Bradshaw minus the fashion sense, sexual escapades and nicotine addiction.
However, no one seems to want to pay me a salary — or anything at all — to do this because life is unfair and TV lies.
But I’m not giving up on the dream to offer unsolicited advice, and thanks to weirdos who Google strange things that lead to my blog, I can pretend that I’m the next generation of “Dear Abby.”
Along with random search terms such as “sugar-coated bullshit,” “rabid badger with a banana clip,” “somebody just sneezed in the living room and it was grandpa” and “I thought it was you but it was the wine,” I also get some questions in my spam folder that obviously need to be answered.
How do you tell if old people are addicted to bingo?
For your own safety—and that of geriatric gamers—it is very important to look for the signs of this affliction. Luckily, I have experience that I can share.
As I’ve stated before, these people have been through wars, marriages, children, Depressions and depressions. Now they no longer worry about recessions as much as they do if Gertrude next door stole the extra Nutter Butter from their snack tray.
My point? They’ve got nothing to lose and they play for keeps. Or rather, they play for candy, which along with popcorn is the geriatric equivalent of crack.
Signs of addiction include hoarding the Bingo chips/cards that have no inherent value, distracting opponents by faking physical ailments like “my oxygen tube is kinked!” sabotaging fellow players’ lucky charms—creepy Troll dolls, figurines, a favorite snot rag, etc. and mumbling things in what they claim to be “Binglish.”
Does sticking feathers up your butt make you a chicken?
First of all, you get points for the “Fight Club” reference, but those points are immediately deducted for taking this quote literally. In a metaphorical sense, it means that you shouldn’t try so hard to be something that you’re not. Not only is it a lot of work, you’ll probably look incredibly stupid in the process.
But in case you’re a freak, I’ll address the literal sense and say that sticking feathers up your butt will result in you looking like a pornographic peacock, not a chicken. If that’s how you roll, more power to you, but perhaps you should pick up a book now and then.
If I were a turkey, where would I be?
My guess would probably be that you would be on a farm, glad you’re not a chicken in the presence of the person who asked the question up above.
Is it bad if you go through a car wash with Vanilla Ice?
Interesting. I would say that if Ice offers to take you through a car wash, you shouldn’t turn down the offer. The car wash isn’t cheap unless you go through the $5 Happy Hour special, at which point I would ask Ice to also take you out for a drink and to include that footage in whatever low-ratings reality show he is gearing up to debut. Be sure to drop in my name.
Have the squirrels found you yet? You should run.
Do you know something I don’t? Crap. Perhaps I should take your advice.
Until next time, my friends!
Like the blog? Buy the books!
P.S. A reminder that Facebook is limiting what you see, so if you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.
A Retrospective Ramble
I realize that there are about four people on the Internet this week and even fewer people reading blogs, but I’m posting this week anyway.
I liken it to singing alone in the car in that I do it because I want to and not for an audience other than the car that pulls up next to me and sees me busting out Eminem like only a skinny Polish girl in an Equinox can do.
Anyway, I figured I would do one more holiday-centric post before getting back to “normal” posts.
I’m not one for “Year in Review” recaps, as mine would most likely just be a list of things I ate and several self-inflicted injuries with basic household objects. Granted there have been good things and bad I could reflect upon while gazing at my navel, but nobody cares about that.
Instead I was thinking it might be kind of fun to look back at what post got the most comments each month this past year and do a “Top 12 in 2012” post.
As you can see, that would have been a great idea if the year had been 2012. Needless to say, 2014 will not be the year that I attend my first Mensa meeting. It was a solid concept though, so I’m going with it anyway.
Below you will find the post that got the most comments each month (minus giveaway posts.) Some surprised me in that the more “serious” ones get more love, but then again, you people are frugal with feedback and I have no idea what you like.
So even though they’re not my “best” posts or even close to my favorites, here are the ones with the most comments:
January Perpetuating Stereotypes
February Live and Learn
March What I’ve Learned from Blogging
April A Raw Deal
May A Natural Reaction (Fresh Pressed)
June A Hidden, Hairy Agenda
July Better Than Blog Her, Right?
August That’s What Friends Are For
September Getting a Busy Signal
October Why I’m Glad I Grew Up When I Did
November Magical Thinking
December Holiday Hints (not from) Heloise
And just for craps and cackles, here are some of the top search terms that led people to my blog in just this past month:
And I’m the one who has issues?
At any rate, I thank you for reading my rambles and invite you to subscribe and continue to join me for the next 365 days—or until I run out of things to say, which could be much sooner than that or an excruciatingly longer period of time more than that.
But upcoming posts include my Olympic dreams, a vacuum and an inconvenient truth–not all at the same time.
Here’s to 2014.
Share this:
Like this:
28 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged blog comments, holidays, new year, search terms, top posts