Tag Archives: satire

Judge Judy Meets Judy Garland

You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final. This is Judge Judy.

Bailiff Petri Hawkins-Byrd: We’re here today in the case of the “Wicked Witch of the West” vs. Dorothy Gale. Your honor, the parties have been sworn in. You may be seated.

JJ: Alright. Witchy here is suing Ms. Gale for a dog bite, the cost of a pair of ruby slippers that belonged to her sister who was “killed when Ms. Gale allegedly dropped a house on her” and pain and suffering. Ms. Gale has filed a counter claim for defamation and emotional distress. Begin.

WW: To start, I’m all but lame from the bite on my leg!

JJ: You mean Ms. Gale bit you?

WW: No, her dog.

JJ: She bit her dog?

WW: No! Her dog bit me!

JJ: (Sigh) I’m a very busy woman. Time is money and you’re practically robbing me blind. Have you ever heard that, ma’am? Well, neither have I. I just made it up. I’m going to put it on coffee mugs. Would you buy one, Byrd?

PHB: I most certainly would, judge. Hook a brother up.

JJ: (laughing) However, this is not “Let’s Make a Deal,” and I’m not Monty Hall Witchy! Get to the point of your story.

WW: First, Ms. Gale recklessly let her little mutt out and it bit me on my leg. Next, Ms. Gale’s house was dropped directly on top of my sister, and instead of going to the authorities, that witch stole the ruby slippers right off the feet of my sister before hopping in an air balloon and fleeing the scene.

JJ: You expect me to believe this young woman directed a house from the sky on top of your sister so she could snag a pair of shoes? Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting, ma’am.

WW: Ask that witch over there yourself! I have witnesses. They’re munchkins—excuse me, “little people”—and they couldn’t fit in the overhead compartments on the plane so they’re not here, but we can text them if we need to.

JJ: (Sigh) Ms. Gale, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

DG: Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy, from Kansas.

JJ: Okay, Dorothy, from Kansas. Did your dog bite Witchy over there?

DG: He might have nipped at her ankles, but only because she was threatening our lives! She was screaming, “Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?” I told her it was an accident. I didn’t mean to kill anybody. And she said, “Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too! Just try and stay out of my way. I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

JJ: You brought a witness?

DG: Yes, my friend the Scarecrow saw it all and was even threatened by the Witch as well.

WW: I object! That thing doesn’t even have a brain! Only straw!

JJ: (Looks at Scarecrow) How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?

SC: I don’t know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?

JJ: Yes. That’s true (looks over at the plaintiff and raises an eyebrow.) I’m going to put that one on a coffee mug, too. As for you, Scarecrow, I am not going to ask you to leave. But the next time you come into my courtroom, dress more appropriately. You are not going farming.

Did Witchy threaten Dorothy and defame her?

SC: Yes, yes your honor. And she threatened me with fire! And that she would stuff a mattress with me!

JJ: Witchy, you have failed to prove nothing more than you’re one drop away from a meltdown and I should sue you for emotional distress. Case dismissed.

WW: Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like her could destroy my beautiful wickedness?

JJ: Calm down, for heaven’s sake. Ms. Gale, I will award you the $500 you asked for and tell you to be a little more careful. Understand?

DG: Oh, yes ma’am. If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with. There’s no place like home.

JJ: What? What are you talking about? Just keep an eye on the company that you keep—and your little dog, too.

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Where’s Waldo? Probably in Therapy

Patient Name: Harold, but goes by “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”

Session notes: Patient has possible abandonment issues due to lack of parental supervision after birth and has taken to “feeding his feelings” instead of working through them.

Requested he keep a food journal and how he felt at the time: 1 apple, 2 pears, 3 plums, 4 strawberries, 5 oranges, piece of chocolate cake, ice cream cone, pickle, slice of Swiss cheese, slice of salami, lollipop, piece of cherry pie, 1 sausage, cupcake, slice of watermelon, 1 green leaf. Said, “I felt hungry. I ate food. I felt better.”

Also made mention of wanting to curl up and hide for a couple of weeks, wishing he could emerge and be accepted for who he was—a colorful, sometimes flightly man with a love for Cher and the theater. Kept asking if I had any snacks.


Patient Name: Goldilocks

Session notes: Court-ordered session as part of breaking and entering charge. When asked about most recent incident, patient’s only comments were “Why do they have separate beds if all they really need is a Sleep Number?” and “Who the heck still eats porridge?”

Obvious entitlement and boundary issues laced with a bit of OCD—she tried out three different chairs in my office before settling into one.


Patient Name: Belle

Session notes: Possible delusional tendencies and troubling urges towards bestiality. Describes some of her best friends as household appliances that spend a majority of their time singing and dancing and refers to her boyfriend as a “beast.”

Came to therapy because of said relationship issues. Apparently conflict because money is tight and none of the dishes or household products actually work, as “a talking candlestick and chipped, chatty tea cup don’t do much more than provide an audience for our arguments about his hair in the sink and the fact that my dad won’t move out.”


Patient Name: Waldo

Session notes: Patient suffers from social anxiety disorder. Makes public appearances, but only discreetly surfaces in large crowds of people and insists on wearing the same clothes each day—thick, black-framed glasses, red and white striped shirt, red and white cap. Mysterious about his career and personal life and is paranoid that people are constantly looking for him.

Claims he wants to work through his urges to isolate so that he can pursue his dream of being a photographer for the local paper because he “feels more comfortable behind the camera.” Wants to attend Comic Con next year.


Patient Name: Snow White

Session notes: So many things with this one. If I am to believe her, a troubled family situation with an evil stepmom, a “witch” in her words, apparently drove her to break into the house of male midgets where she ate their food and fell asleep before waking up to accept a position as their unpaid friend with benefits. Follow this up with a necrophilia-driven boyfriend during a near-death experience and a shotgun wedding, and no wonder this chick needs some help.

Need to work on her co-dependency issues and need for approval from men.

*Note to self: Pitch her storyline for possible reality show. Crime, dwarfs, sex—throw in some cupcakes or a bacon element and it really can’t miss. Maybe “Dwarf Dynasty” or “Bachelorette” meets “Little People” Just working titles, of course.

**Another note to self: Reschedule “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe” until she can find a babysitter. Remember to discuss contraception. This is getting ridiculous.

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Employee of the Month

Scene: Job interview at Hypothetical Honesty Office & Co.

Important Company Person: Hello! Thank you for coming in for this interview today. Your resume is quite impressive.

Applicant: Thank you for inviting me! No one is posting jobs that I’m qualified for, so my resume is a complete work of fiction that highlights my creative writing and improvisational skills. 

ICP: Indeed! Now let’s get down to business. We want someone who is willing to work hard for a small amount of money so that the higher ups can work less and make a fortune. We could hire anyone we wanted to come in and do this generic office position, but we want someone with practical skills, so I’m going to ask you a few important questions. Ready?

A: Does this involve a drug test?

ICP: No.

A: Then yes, let’s begin.

ICP: You have CEO listed on your resume. Can you explain what those duties entailed?

A: Well, CEO means “Cleaner of External Objects” to me.  And as CEO, I always replace the empty roll of paper towel in the kitchen or bathroom, as I know that’s a hard skill to master. I also place my dirty coffee cup IN the sink and then wash it instead of placing it NEXT to the sink and leaving it for an imaginary maid.

And at my last job,  I had to fix the running toilet in the office bathroom. Does that make me a hero? Not for me to say. But probably.

ICP: Impressive and noted—with a smiley face! Now it’s a proven fact that the first 10 minutes of any conference call are spent watching people try and figure out how to set up the conference call. How do you deal with a) phones and b) meetings.

A: I’m more terrified of a ringing phone than I am of a fire alarm, so I let all calls go directly to a voicemail that I never check. And any invitations to attend a webinar or meeting longer than an hour will result in me decoupaging a flask for my desk or faking my death.

ICP: Look at you, Martha Stewart with your crafts! Next question. The other day I yelled, “Don’t you know who I am?” at the printer. Apparently it does, which would be why it jammed. How would handle that scenario?

A: I would do a little karate yell while trying to unjam said copy machine. Not sure it would help, but I’m feeling pretty confident it would.

ICP: Confidence is key. We want our employees to be as assertive as the Adobe Acrobat update reminders.

A: And there was one time I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and then “Eye of the Tiger” popped into my head. Long story short, I weaponized my stapler.

ICP: Random, but impressive, as I often use music to soothe me as well. When a pen runs out, I like to sing “Circle of Life” ceremoniously before placing it gently in the trash. We live in crazy times, don’t we? Speaking of crazy, how do you deal with coworker interaction?

A: Well, my 30s have been less about “finding myself” and more about “finding ways to avoid awkward chit-chat.” So every Monday I would handle general “How was your weekend?” inquiries by making flashcards stating: “Weekend was great!” “Weather is wonderful!” “Can’t believe it’s Monday!” It would cut down on talking by 25 percent.

ICP: Brilliant! I love that idea! It would not only increase productivity and profits, but also reduce stress. Of course you know I will claim it as my own and never give you the credit.

A: Understood. I will also passive aggressively update my Facebook status with a vague reference to that fact.

ICP: I wouldn’t expect anything less! Welcome aboard.

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Breaking News

I’m not really into the news.

While I think it’s important to know what’s going on, I’m okay with just grazing the surface with minimal awareness to the impending doom of the planet and how a trailer park manager won the lotto with a ticket he found in an opossum nest.

Anchorman

With that said, I do have the local news on in the background when getting ready for work in the morning and often while I’m eating dinner—mostly for the weather.

But the thing is that it’s basically the same script each day with names, places and dates switched around like some perverted Mad Libs puzzle. Of course the stories are different, but the premise is often the same. So while I’ve only been privy to a “behind the scenes” look at the news on one occasion—and it was a Saturday morning—I have to imagine the script looks something like this.

Breaking News!

Newscaster 1: Good morning! I’m Susie Sunshine.

Newscaster 2: And I’m Bob Boring. It’s Monday and you’re tuned into WXYZ, where we are the ONLY station to bring you the most EXCLUSIVE up-to-date news complete with witty banter and sexual tension between me and my co-host that can be cut with a dull butter knife.

N1: That’s right, Bob. Ha, ha, ha! First off, the former mayor has been arrested on embezzlement charges from his current job at Popcorn Palace, but this isn’t the first time he’s been “popped” for that. We’ll detail his criminal record coming up in 10.

N2: Thanks, Suze. There’s also a warning out there today for anyone who has driven a car filled with gasoline, as it turns out that one false move could cause the car to explode. This is very important information, so be sure to tune into our 11 pm newscast 17 hours from now for the details.

N1: And we have some good news for you this morning about that giant lizard that was run over by a Segway driven by that 103-year-old man last week. Let’s just say, he’s “scaling” back to health.

N2: But first, let’s throw it over to chief meteorologist, Guy Cloud, who is standing outside in the pouring rain and blowing winds. Guy!

(Throw it to weatherman standing outside in the pouring ran, holding onto his hat and umbrella while trying to talk into the microphone.)

Weatherman: Thanks guys! You don’t need me standing outside in this horrible storm to tell you that it’s raining outside, but I’ll still tell you that it’s raining outside and demonstrate this by standing outside in the rain. As for the rest of the week, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact weather that you can expect—although that’s my job—so be sure to check back later tonight for your completely hypothetical 8 day forecast. Remember, we’re the MOST accurate storm team around! Back to you in the studio!

N1: What a Guy, ha ha!

N2: Indeed Suze, indeed. No one can rain on his parade! But bringing the focus back to us, coming up we’ll tell you all about that semi-serious thing that happened and then include video of our reporter walking at the camera while talking and accenting scripted words with numerous hand gestures while ignoring everything behind them.

They will then interview someone off the street who is the least qualified to speak publically on the subject—or even be out in public at all—before offering up an introspective statement delivered for maximum impact.

N1: (taking a sip from her coffee cup) You’re such a tease, Bob! I look forward to pretending to care.

N2: As do I, Suze. As do I. And now a word from our sponsors.

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