Tag Archives: satire

Home Depot: You Can Do It. He Can Help.

Hi! I’m Jake—not from State Farm, ha ha—and would like to welcome you to Home Depot. I couldn’t help but notice you looked a little bit lost, so please allow me to show you around!

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First, I commend you for taking on this mission on a Saturday afternoon. That takes great courage in my book, as weekends can make for a rough climate around these here parts when all the home project “entre-manures” come out.

But remember, the “D” in “DIY” doesn’t have to stand for “Destruction!”

Just stick with me, kiddo. I’m trained and know the path that runs along the electrical aisles and merges into the lumber supplies. We can flow freely through baths and faucets and I can help with any of your organizational needs. The windows and doors? Merely entryways into the land of purchasing power and ease.

Heck, are you single and ready to shingle? I can be your personal stud finder—ha!

Anyway, I know the merits of preparation, so let’s grab a cart, devise a plan and get started. We’ll move swiftly, like a Swiffer on a linoleum floor—Aisle 5!—and we won’t wander off the path to sniff the Glade scented votives—Aisle 12!—or check out the area rugs—endcap on Aisle 7!—unless those are things on your list.

By the way, what is the first item there on your list? Weather stripping? If only that was as sexy as it sounds, am I right? Sorry. I’m very lonely. Let’s move on.

(Ahem.)

Though our impulse may say otherwise, we will not look directly at the 1,353 different paint sample cards or stop to ponder why there are also candy and beauty supplies mixed in with the screws and power tools. We will simply accept that this establishment is basically stocked with enough supplies to survive the zombie apocalypse.

You would never have to leave!

Now I realize this can be overwhelming and that the smell of lumber can be intoxicating, so it’s normal to panic at times. But instead of cowering down in the pre-assembled clubhouses or getting tangled in the hammocks on display in the outdoor furniture area, I suggest you accept failure to remember everything you need.

Don’t think of this as your only trip to the store. No, think of this as the first of many on a journey to not just home improvement, but PERSONAL improvement. We learn from our mistakes, and buying the wrong size furnace filter doesn’t just build up your bill—it builds knowledge and builds character.

And don’t forget that no matter what happens: You can do it. I can help.

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Realistic Social Media Notifications

If you’re on any form of social media, you know that you can opt in or opt out of getting notifications any time someone “likes,” retweets, pins or comments on your updates or on the status of your friends.

I generally opt out of getting the emails because too many emails make me twitchy and I really don’t need extra noise. When I go to the site, I’ll see it. The end.

But I might change my mind if I was sent more realistic social media notifications—something more than “Anne commented on your status update” or “Bill retweeted one of your tweets.”  I have a few suggestions in case anyone wants to contract out my services.

FOLLOW

Facebook

That relative that you were forced to “friend” is replying “LOL” to all your updates from the past month.

Fifteen people posted Someecards or memes expressing their addiction to coffee/wine, their love of Friday/hate of Monday or being a parent.

Your friend Ann changed her profile picture seven times in 10 minutes in an attempt to look sexier.

No one “liked” Anne’s new profile picture after three minutes, so she changed it again.

Your cousin just rolled his eyes at the link to your latest blog post.

A friend just invited you to an event tomorrow night that’s being held on the other side of the country.

“That” couple is having a private conversation through one of their status updates. He loves her.  She loves him back. They are “so blessed.”

The “bad boy” from high school just posted a picture of him braiding the hair of his toddler twin girls.

Don’t bother checking your Facebook fan page. Only 3 percent of your fans are seeing your posts.

Pinterest

Gina started a wedding board to send hint after to hint to her boyfriend in a passive aggressive, Pinterest-y way.

Sally shared the same pin of her last blog post to 12 different boards in five minutes.

Beware! Three friends a going through a phase and pinning nothing but inspirational posters.

Someone liked one of 235 recipes you pinned that you’ll probably never make.

Becky created a board of Creative Projects to Make with Cat Hair.

Twitter

Someone almost retweeted you but instead just added it as a “favorite” because they were ticked they didn’t think of it first.

Lisa says, “GOOD MORNING!!!”

Several people you follow are engaged in a Twitter Party. Avoid until party is done.

Bob is tweeting at famous people in an attempt to get them to follow him.

You are now only 15 people away from 2,000 followers and only three friends away from having three friends.

Someone is retweeting every compliment they’ve ever received.  (Suggested action: block or unfollow)

Jenny made toast, took a picture, posted it with a recipe and added multiple hashtags #bread #toaster #lunch #food #eat #noonecaresitstoast

Three people unfollowed you because you didn’t follow them back after they had been following you for five minutes.

Your super funny tweet got no stars.

Justin Beiber tweeted, “I like tacos.” It was retweeted 465,000 times. Maybe you should give up.

LinkedIn

Someone you have never worked with just asked you to endorse them for biomedical engineering with a focus on potato blight in Idaho, or something similar you have no knowledge of.

A complete stranger is waiting for your response to an invitation to connect with no customized message attached.

Mary is celebrating a 5-year work anniversary at a job you didn’t even know that she had.

A connection just endorsed you for “grocery shopping” and “snacks.”

Well, yay! Finally an endorsement that makes sense.

Your turn. What notifications would you suggest? 

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Let’s Set Lofty Goals!

The New Year is quickly approaching, which means we’ll soon be subjected to hearing about everyone’s lofty goals for the upcoming year.

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, mostly because I figure I don’t need to wait until January 1 to try and change whatever it is that needs changing—unless it’s the furnace filter, in which I stick to a stringent “every three months” schedule.

But in the spirit of self-improvement and goal-setting, I have decided to share a few of my more “reasonable” resolutions for the upcoming year with you guys. Of course, this is excluding the biggest most stressful goal—finding a job—but I can multi-task here (quickly adds that one to her resume.)

shampoo

Throw a plastic bottle into the recycling bag without it bouncing back up and out of the bin and onto the floor.  

Rip bananas off the bunch at the store without feeling like I’m ripping them away from their little banana family, and then returning home without having bruised the bananas.

Take off  my winter boots without also taking off my socks, and if accomplished, step out of my winter boots without stepping directly into a piece of snow that fell on the floor.

Catch the pasta in between al dente and overcooked, which is approximately .84 seconds.

Not only remember to take my reusable grocery bags to the store, but also remember to actually take them into the store before I’m standing in line.

After brushing off my snowy car, open the car door without snow still falling in on the seat somehow.

Put the laundry away the same day that it’s actually washed and dried.

Successfully switch from one phone call to the one on call waiting without hanging up on either of the calls.

Find the right lid to a Tupperware container in less than three attempts.

Alphabetize something without needing to sing the alphabet song in order to actually alphabetize something.

Catch something as it falls off the table without knocking something else off the table.

Open a plastic produce bag in under 10 seconds at the store.

Pump gas and stop on the exact dollar amount instead of spending an extra $10 trying to get it to stop on an even dollar amount.

Try to find the good in every situation. Wait, that was a typo. I meant “food.” Try to find the food in every situation.


I think that last one is most certainly one I can accomplish (said as she walks by the laundry basket full of clean clothes for the third time today.)

Your turn. What’s one “reasonable” goal for 2015, other than not reading about anyone’s goals for 2015? 

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Politically Correct Children’s Books & a Giveaway

It’s no secret that I love books, which is why I’m giving two away at the end of this post.

But some of the classics from when I was a kid would probably fall under the “not politically correct enough” category today, seeing as people have evolved to suck the fun out of everything.

So while I read these books and didn’t become the Unabomber, I thought it would be fun to take a cynical eye to some classics. And because I’m all about solutions, I will also propose a more “modern” take on the books.

Green Eggs and Ham

Summary: Sam I Am tries to peer pressure a friend into eating a potentially dangerous substance. (If you ever come across green ham, it’s probably horribly expired. Do not eat it!) While he initially resists, he eventually gives in and realizes it’s not as bad as he thought. So basically parents say drugs are bad, but if your friend likes it, then it’s good enough for you.

Suggestion: In this updated classic, Sam starts a food blog in which he details the merits of eating “green” eggs in the sense that they are eco-friendly, free-range organic eggs grown on a farm where chickens have spa days and sip Perrier. He shares a variety of healthy recipes focused on locally-sourced ingredients that win him fans and friends.

Frog & Toad are Friends

Summary: While this book claims “Frog and Toad are always there for each other—just as best friends should be,” Frog is often a terrible friend to Toad. Toad is embarrassed by his swimsuit, and Frog laughs at him with all the other animals. When they fly a kite, Frog just stands there with the string while Toad runs with the kite, getting constant abuse from other teasing animals. Thanks to Frog, Toad is trapped in a vicious cycle between narcissism and self-conscious insecurity.

Suggestion: Frog and Toad are “Friends,” just as Frog and Toad are “Together” in the sequel, if you know what I mean. Toad was just trying to be “fabulous” in the swimsuit incident and Frog was annoyed that Toad left the seat up at the lily pad again. These books follow in the steps of the first character to ever come out—Bi-curious George—and readers are shown that love and families can take many forms.

Cat In the Hat

Summary: A giant mutant cat shows up at the house while the mom is out and proceeds to touch and play with everything while the kids look on in terror. They try to get this strange intruder to leave without success, and the cat proceeds to release two “Things” that tear around the house, destroying everything. The cat cleans up the house in the end, but this encourages felonious behavior.

Suggestion: Seeing a cat show up at their house wearing a gigantic hat, the kids quickly whip out their iPads and start taping what they see. When the mother returns home, she finds they’ve posted a video to YouTube of the next Internet cat sensation that quickly goes more viral than Keyboard Cat ever did.

Cinderella

Summary: Girl, evil step-relatives, menial gender-stereotypical labor, geriatric godmother, pumpkin, prince, shoe.When the females of the town attend a ball for the chance to marry one man because he is rich royalty, a fairy swoops down, switches out Cinderella’s peasant garb and gives her glass slippers that DON’T EVEN FIT. She attends the ball, wins the heart of the prince and goes back to being “plain” at midnight.

Suggestion: Instead of women being portrayed as shallow, vindictive and sometimes helpless victims waiting to be rescued, in this version Cindy moves out, goes back to school and opens a fair-trade shoe company that produces only comfortable and practical footwear called “Fairy Footwear.” At a fundraiser for her non-profit dedicated to eliminating small rodent labor, she meets a young man who respects her for her brains and not her beauty.

And they all lived happily ever after.

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GIVEAWAY TIME!

I’m giving away a copy of both “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “Moms are Nuts” to one lucky U.S. resident. All you have to do is leave a comment about books–your favorite, the worst, a “politically correct” version of a classic, etc. by Tuesday, June 17. I’ll randomly pick a winner and notify them by email. Good luck!

(Probably)True Hollywood Stories

You might think you know who they are, but can we every really know?

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In this first installment of “Probably True Hollywood Stories,” we will reveal the secrets, scandals, mysteries and “where-are-they-now?” investigations of several well-known fictional characters.

Dora the Explorer

Best known for spending most of her days in the woods with a talking monkey instead of attending an actual school, Dora soon found childhood fame too much to handle. A week before her 18th birthday she was spotted wandering the countryside mumbling things like, “Say map! Say map!” and “Swiper, no swiping!” and was briefly checked into a psychiatric unit for treatment.

Upon her release she went on to write a tell-all memoir explaining why even though she was bilingual at age four, she still found it impossible to locate items right next to her. However, her real success was the launch of her clothing line tailored to women with heads the size of a football.

Uh…Khakis

The unlikely marriage of Flo, the annoyingly upbeat and enthusiastic employee for Progressive Insurance, and Jake from State Farm, the representative for a competing company, was initially smooth sailing.

However, it was soon reported that Flo became increasing suspicious of Jake’s 3 a.m. phone calls from women asking “What are you wearing?” and his friendship with the pink-haired secret agent Erin from Esurance.

When asked for comment, Flo was quoted as saying, “She sounds hideous.”

Waldo Finds Himself

His distinctive red-and-white-striped shirt, bobble hat and glasses made Waldo universally recognizable in a crowd, but what was hidden was the inner turmoil he was dealing with in his life.

After his girlfriend Wilma left him citing abandonment issues—and taking Woof the dog with her, as well—it was revealed that Waldo began to suffer from social anxiety and a paranoia that people were looking for him. Once a prolific traveler, he stopped making public appearances and only discreetly surfaced in large crowds.

Last year he resurfaced with the announcement he was settling down “somewhere in the world” with his fiancé, Carmen SanDiego, and opening a spiritual colony.

That’s Nuts

Mr.Peanut, depicted as an anthropomorphic legume dressed in the formal clothing of an old-fashioned gentleman — top hat, white gloves, a cane and that signature monocle—became one of the best-known advertising icons in modern times.

But with the rise in peanut allergies nationwide, Mr. Peanut was quoted as saying he needed to, “Up his game” and “find a look that will bespeak my status, whilst also matching my white gloves and high-top leather shoes.” Finding traditional glasses unsatisfactory, Mr. P went on to undergo Lasik surgery.

The results proved disastrous, both personally and professionally, as a glitch in the procedure rendered him blanched and then roasted in color. Planters soon terminated their partnership citing breach of contract. Mr. Peanut now resides in Mexico with his wife and their little bambinos.

Mystery Mayhem

Known as the brains behind a successful ghost catching business, Velma was shocked when the group decided to split, leaving her unemployed with only “that burned-out loser and a freakin’ dog,” as she was quoted as saying on E!

Scorned, Velma went on to write an expose titled, “Mayhem in the Mystery Machine,” in which she claims Fred and Daphne refused to do any work, often “disappearing” together and returning looking roughed up but yet with no clues; that Shaggy was in a constant smoke/snack/slack cycle that included his own special “Scooby Snacks”; and that the Mystery Van was actually a odorous death trap due to driving through swamps.

When reached for comment about these claims, the group only responded with: “Ruh-roh.”

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A Cease and Desist Letter to the Easter Bunny

Hello Hare,

Thank you for taking time out of your mall appearance today—I know it’s a big time of year for you—but this really can’t wait any longer.

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It has been brought to our collective attention as an overly politically correct society on a mission to banish all fun that your existence is causing some, shall we say, “issues” I would like to address.

First of all, let’s talk about this egg situation.

I realize it’s tradition for children to color and look for these Easter eggs — henceforth to be known as “Spring Spheres” or “Ornamental Orbs”— but unless we know that these are free range, organic eggs produced from chickens given nothing but a diet of gold-dusted non-GMO corn and poultry pedicures, I’m afraid this practice will have to be stopped. We simply can’t have that danger around.

While a great alternative might have been plastic eggs, there is no way to guarantee that the plastic in those eggs would be 100 percent free of BPA and polycarbonate epoxy resins. As you can understand, that would pose an equally dangerous risk.

Speaking of the eggs—excuse me, Spring Spheres/Ornamental Orbs—can we talk a bit about marketing?

Now I realize that you do some TV work on the side and that the “Cadbury” commercial was your breakout performance, but it is perpetrating false ideals about the reproductive practices of mammals.

Despite what your cavity causing, sugar pushing Satan—a.k.a. Cadbury—might think is cute in a commercial, rabbits do not lay eggs. Chickens lay eggs. This spring celebration should not have to include a discussion on the sexual cycles of Peter Cottontail or a lesson on where bunnies come from.

Unless the commercial can be changed to directly reflect the egg being excreted from the chicken—it can even be wearing those fake bunny ears—it is doing much more harm than good. Perhaps you could see about recasting that part and find work off screen as a fluffer.

Sticking with the candy, I think it goes without saying that chocolate is no longer part of this holiday unless it is of the fair trade, organic, gluten and sugar-free variety. Jelly beans? I think not. This brazen bastardization of a “bean” is the greatest insult to the (organic, pesticide-free) vegetable community since French freedom fries.

And Peeps? Really? Marshmallow “chicks”—a term some women find offensive—made of colored dies and sugared spray foam insulation? That shit has to stop.

So to wrap this up, I would like to remind you that even though you’re no longer needed to celebrate this day of spring honoring a non-denominational higher power with non-confrontational new symbols of tradition, you still have options.

Look into teaming up with a magician and be pulled out of a hat, maybe check out Pinterest and see if there are any crafting trends you could sell your fur for, look into taking up “hip hop.” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist the clever reference, although I am not implying you dabble in that terribly offensive “gangsta rap.”)

All that we ask is that you eliminate yourself from this holiday and leave us to celebrate with empty baskets but open minds! If not, we’ll have your foot on a keychain in no time.

Sincerely,

An Overly Politically Correct Society on a Mission to Banish All Fun

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Postage from PETA

To Whom it May Concern:

My name is Sunflower Smith and I am the communications liaison for PETA-People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I’m writing you today (on this 105-percent fair trade paper with an animal-free pencil I carved from repurposed oak that passed from natural causes) to express our collective opinion—no, our stance—that several common clichés be banned from the English language.

Why? Because of the cruelty towards animals that they reflect.

Language is a very powerful tool, and by suggesting that one “beats a dead horse” or that it’s “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey,” people are reinforcing barbaric behavior.

We have a comprehensive list we would like to submit. For example, “The early bird gets the worm.” Yes, the bird gets fresh food, but what no one talks about is what happens to the early worm. Death! That’s what happens to the worm!

I’ll shoot you that list via email next week.

But today I would like to use cats as our most pressing concern. Not only are they often mentioned being “on a hot tin roof”—disturbing for both the fact that they are roaming outdoors and that they’re being forced to endure harsh conditions—but they are also said to have “nine lives,” which we all know just isn’t the case.

However, the repetition of that phrase has led people to place felines in the linguistic lagoon of doom through a reinforced order of cliché operations, working under the assumption that they will survive.

Example A: “No room to swing a cat.” Why can’t you say, “No room to swing a toddler?” They like swinging much more than cats. Or just say that there’s not that much room? Exactly. Laziness.

Example B: “Let the cat out of the bag.” Why is the cat placed in a bag? Are there air holes? Death!

Example C: “Cat got your tongue?” Although we admire the tenacity of the cat in fighting back, we disagree with the notion that cats are violent creatures that seek physical revenge. They most likely would just choose to ignore you.

Example D: “More than one way to skin a cat.” I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Instead I’m choosing to use the phrase, “There is more than one way to brush a cat,” as you can do it the traditional way or you can directly apply the lint roller and cut out the middleman. No death! No hair! Win-win!

Example E: “Curiosity killed the cat.” So being inquisitive is a negative thing that should carry a warning of death? Without curiosity, we wouldn’t have new ideas or covers for electrical sockets! We prefer the phrase, “Curiosity enlightened the cat.”

You know what killed it? Putting it in a bag or swinging it around! (See above.)

So as you can see, these are just a few of our feline examples. Next we will have to address things like, “Killing two birds with one stone.” First of all, when in history was there an overabundance of birds and a shortage of stones? Second, death!

This is obviously a very pressing matter that requires your attention as soon as possible. Together we can reprogram the collective public belief that cruelty towards animals is okay when used to try and express a vapid human sentiment.

In other words, we can “teach an old dog new tricks.”*

Thank you for your time,

Sunflower

*We approve of this phase because it reflects our belief that canines exhibit the intellectual power to learn additional skills at an advanced age. While humans might not be as smart, we hope to at least shape the young minds of the future.

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