Tag Archives: quotes

What Confucius Would Say Today

If pressed to give an answer, I would have to say that Confucius is my favorite Chinese philosopher whose name sounds like my constant mental state and who also has a bunch of funny parody quotes attributed to his name.

For example, “Man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levels” or “Man who stands on toilet high on pot.”

Anyway, I sure he would be thrilled to be a thread on Reddit or a meme sensation right alongside Grumpy Cat and “Keep Calm and Confucius On” if he was alive today.

But I have to think that if he was around today, there might be a little bit different meaning and motivation behind the quotes he did actually write. So the editor in me took the liberty to “modernize” them as if he was writing them today.

Plus, who knows? Maybe he was initially misquoted. I think that happens on the Internet once in awhile.

Then: “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” 
Now: I changed my mind. The exception to this rule is clearly illustrated below.

motive

Then: “Mens’ natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart.” 
Now: For example, you can tell just by talking to some people that they lift up the car door handle every time that you go to unlock it.

Then: “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” 
Now: Spoiler alert! Apparently you can’t just go and pull up to a drive-thru pharmacy and order what you want, so that’s a bit disappointing.

Then: “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” 
Now: And if that fall happens to be off the treadmill in front of a crowd, simply start kickboxing like a manic Jackie Chan as if it’s part of your fitness routine. No one will mess with that crazy.

Then: “If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake.” 
Now: Actually, don’t bother because people on the Internet will let you know your mistakes in .02 seconds.

Then: “The cautious seldom err.”
Now: Which is why I dive behind my couch when someone pulls into my driveway like I’m hiding out from the mob or entered in the Witness Protection Program.

Then: “He who knows all the answers has not been asked all the questions.” 
Now: Such as, “Why is the meaning of life” “Why are we here on this planet?” “What is a Nicki Minaj and is it contagious?”

Then: “Silence is a true friend who never betrays.” 
Now: By “silence,” I now mean “pizza.” Pizza is a true friend who never betrays, except when the directions instruct you to place the pizza directly on the oven rack. That means you cook for 13 minutes, and spend a week cleaning the crap off of the oven.

Then : “You cannot open a book without learning something.” 
Now: Let’s be clear about the word “book.” Some people need to pick up a real dictionary, not Urban Dictionary.

Then: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” 
Now: I should add that now, “I have a wonderful vocabulary of words I can only use when I write, simply because I don’t know how to pronounce them.”

Then: “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.”
Now: I actually never finished this one. It should have said, “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change their shirt if they’re fairly certain no one saw them wearing it the day before.”

Then: “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” 
Now: I would like to redact this one completely, as I’ve just returned from Walmart on a Saturday and now I stand corrected.

walmart

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Avoid Clichés Like the Plague

There is no shortage of inspirational quotes or tired clichés on the Internet, and I have to admit that I’m guilty of occasionally using them myself.

famousquotes

But most of the time I’m much more Abby-like, putting my own spin on conventional wisdom and taking the lion’s share of the credit (see what I did there? Picking up what I’m putting down?)

So sit back, relax and, you know, take what I say with a grain of salt.


Another day, another dollar that won’t be accepted in the self-checkout lane register despite the fact that only one tiny little corner of the bill is slightly wrinkled.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if you throw it hard enough, it can pretty much repel anyone in any profession.

Dance like nobody is watching, unless you’re in the grocery store and “Footloose” comes on. At that point, performing the role of Ren is generally frowned upon (although they are only encouraging this behavior by playing that song in the store.)

Be the change you want to see in the world. By that I mean change the freaking roll of toilet paper or paper towel when there’s only one sheet left, you heathen.

Birds of a feather flock together and usually decide to use my Blazer as their own personal overpriced outhouse.

Misery loves company, which is why I prefer to stay away from people when possible.

Sometimes you’re the windshield. Sometimes you’re the bug. Most often you’re the driver behind the windshield trying like hell to pump the windshield wipers and clean off the splattered bug guts.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and wear huge shoes so people think they’re tracking the Bigfoot.

A watched pot never boils, but if you turn your back for five seconds it will boil over and make a mess of your stove.

Good fences make good neighbors, as they don’t judge when I do my Saturday morning walk of shame to the trash can in my pajamas to throw away the cat litter or chase off the freaking woodchuck.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today, unless it’s something unpleasant that someone else might just do before you. In that case, carry on.

Slow and steady wins the race—except races in which the point is to finish first, which is basically most races.

Do one thing every day that scares you, unless that involves going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and possibly being sexually harassed by exposed ass cracks and muffin tops. (Pick a different challenge that day.)

It is never too late to be what you might have been, unless your goal was to be a child prodigy or unicorn, in which case you’re basically screwed.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. That also means your bitchiness isn’t a mood, but rather your personality.

Do as I say, not as I—hell, you should probably just do what I say and be done with it. Leave you own new clichés in the comments.

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Quote me on it

I’m a big quote person. I love quotes.

quotable

This is one in particular that I keep forcing myself to come back to for a couple of reasons, the obvious one being that I tend to keep past actions/feelings/discomfort in the back of my mind. There are times I  hold onto them far too long, almost by force of habit.

While I’m getting much better at this, I still have a tendency to act impulsively when I get uncomfortable—physically or mentally. I will obsess over what led up to that point, how I can prevent it from happening again, how I can make it go away right that second. These are the times when I need to take a deep breath, let it go—whatever “it” is— and take the next positive step forward.

Easier said than done, I know. But Emerson was really onto something.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.”

It’s actually the last part of this that speaks to me quite a bit.

Have I done everything I could have/should have done? If the answer is yes, then there should be no guilt or regret when I lay my head down at night. All of those feelings are unnecessary self-judgments, and as long as I do what I know I can do—for myself and for others—then there’s no reason to look back and feel regret.

“Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.”

Well, that’s an understatement.

Not a day goes by that I don’t feel like I should have zigged when I zagged at least once. When  anxiety or uncertainty creep in, I have a tendency to default to my unhealthy coping mechanisms and fall back on those for relief. Although it feels right at the moment, I often look back and regret that I didn’t do what I could have/should have done.   

But I also have to leave that behind and not obsess over things I can’t change—food/exercise choices, something said, a blog post with no response, work stuff.

Forget it, learn from it and move on.

“Tomorrow is a new day.”

This really isn’t related to anything, but I think that’s why I love breakfast so much. It’s a brand new day and a new chance to start over. This doesn’t explain why I could eat breakfast food all day, but I do like the prospect of starting things new. Now I’m rambling. And I want oatmeal.

“You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

I’m not always happy, especially when taken out of my normal routine, but it’s up to me to deal with whatever situation I am faced with.

june

Uncle June and I are going on another business trip (this Thursday until Monday) and I would be lying if I said that I was excited about going. It’s the same trip we’ve done the past couple of years and it’s a really big deal with a really big amount of work.

And wherever I go, there I am. 

My issues get packed along with the Lysol, but I will try and remember the quote. I’m going to forget my past experiences and not use them as a springboard for any assumptions going in. Just because I tend to self-destruct and restrict a bit on trips doesn’t mean I have to do it this time.

Because let’s face it—more often than not, situations are less than ideal, not just with work but with life. I only make things worse when I allow myself to be “encumbered by my own nonsense.”

Side note: nonsense should be used more often. I kind of like it.

So I will finish today and not worry about the things I can’t change. If I screwed up, I can try again tomorrow. If other people screwed up, I can figure out a way to make the most of it, if only for my own sanity.

And if things still suck, I can finish the day and be done with it.

Then blog about it later.

Do you have a favorite quote? This is my most recent one, but I have a million that I like and I find more all the time.

I know I’ve asked this before, but do you like traveling?  Favorite/least favorite parts?