Tag Archives: phones

A Dozen Delusions

It’s very important to be honest, but we all have those little things we tell ourselves that we know probably aren’t completely accurate. I hesitate to call them “lies,” as that implies some sort of deliberate manipulation, so perhaps calling them “delusions of grandeur” would be a bit more accurate.

With that said, I have included short list of the things I tell myself without entirely believing.

A Dozen Delusions

1. I don’t need to write something down because I’ll remember it. Despite the fact I don’t have solid evidence to back this one up, I continue to employ this philosophy. So mental note—real notes work better.

2. Pushing the pedestrian crossing button at crosswalks actually makes the light change quicker. Is it magic that the little white person on the light appears 10-20 seconds after I push it or simply coincidence? I also tell my self I won’t actually say “Ped Xing”— as in “ped exing” and not “pedestrian crossing”— out loud, but I do.


Why doesn’t he have any feet?

3. That I’ll be able to put a key on a key ring in less then 10 minutes. I don’t believe this is humanly possible without the use of heavy machinery, yet I still wrestle with the damn things each time.

4. When going to Target, I tell myself I only need one or two things and to act in a civilized manner. Yet a few minutes into my jaunt I more closely resemble a skinny Tasmanian devil who forgot to write down what she needs—see point No. 1—and walks out with a bag full of “prizes.”

5. That I can discreetly manipulate two grocery carts that are stuck together, after which point I will be rewarded with a perfectly functional cart for my shopping. However, 99.99 percent of the time, I end up going Hulk on the metal pieces of shit, violently ripping them apart and being left with one that has a wonky wheel that veers into displays.

6. That faking my own death is an overly dramatic reaction to being asked to attend a webinar or fold laundry.

7. When my phone cuts out, I tell myself to wait a few minutes and let the other person call back. However, I get impatient and am the best at playing the “let’s keep calling each other at the same time so it goes straight to voicemail” game. Solution? Avoid the phone.

8. That turning up the radio in my Blazer so I can’t hear any weird noise that it’s making means there’s nothing wrong with my Blazer.

9. Because I feed the squirrels and birds in my yard, I would like to believe they respect me as a neurotic Dr. Doolittle of sorts. But with each acorn that lands on my head by the feeder and each bird gang bang performed in the bird bath, this mutual respect is called into question.

10. That if SpongeBob Squarepants–a freaking sponge–can find pants that fit, I can find a pair of “real” pants that aren’t uncomfortable. Actually, I don’t think I believe this myself anymore and should probably remove it from the list. Let’s move on—in workout pants.

11. I clean my floors simply to keep things nice and not because I inevitably drop food every day. Also, that I can stand next to the toaster, anticipating toast, and not jump every time the toast is popped up.

12. That the fact people found my blog with “snowman in a thong and sombrero,” “elderly squirrel Fight Club” and “mosquito boobs”—that one stings— is cancelled out by whoever found it with “Please. Like you’ve never Febreezed grandma.”

Your turn. What delusions of grandeur can you share with the class?

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Phoning It In

Don’t take it personally, but if you call my phone and expect to talk to me at that exact moment, you’ll probably get my voicemail.

This is (probably) not because I hate you.

This is because I hate talking on the phone.


I don’t really regard this as anti-social behavior—I have plenty of those that I can easily identify—because I will text, email and talk face-to-face with no issue, at least for a short amount of time.

And I also understand the importance of talking on the phone in certain circumstances and do so when the situation requires it, but for the most part, I’ll do pretty much anything to avoid using it for more than casual check-ins.

I know this can be annoying, but I have my reasons.  


I don’t like not knowing when the call is coming in. When forced to engage in spontaneous conversation without warning, I don’t have time to think up an appropriate reply. This means I could get caught saying any number of ridiculous things simply because I couldn’t prepare what would most likely be an equally ridiculous excuse quick enough.

I do better if I am initiating the phone call myself, as I can prepare  for the communication and  sometimes even "rehearse" the call by going over possible responses in my head. But random ringing? No bueno. 

Thank goodness for caller ID.


Much like the way I fail to gracefully exit a physical situation, I also fail to gracefully exit a phone conversation. Well, I take that back. I have no problem exiting a phone conversation. It’s getting others to realize that I want to exit the conversation about five minutes ago that’s the problem.

You see,  “long story short” is usually anything but. When my exaggerated sighs and verbal hints to wrap things up and get to the point are ignored in favor of minute story details, I am forced to start banging pots and pans or slamming doors to give the illusion of being extrasuperbusy.

But if all else fails, I can always use the “my phone cut out” excuse. Given the fact that my phone is cheap and does cut out often, this probably isn’t a lie.


Despite “great” reception, people often end up talking over each other on the phone. Conversations usually end up sounding like they’re on some sort of tape delay and consist of both people talking at the same time, and then pausing, and then talking again at the same time, and then pausing…

It’s completely disjointed and frustrating, and by that point I will have simply forgotten why I called you in the first place. Then I will remember that you probably called me.

I rarely dial out.


Here’s the deal. People are always doing other things while they’re talking on the phone. Unless they’re chained to a landline, you can bet they’re watching TV, surfing the Interwebs, driving or—lord help me—on the crapper while attempting to carry on a conversation.

If you’re going to call me, please focus on that and not if anyone “liked” your witty Facebook status. And if I’m in a bathroom and hear you on your phone telling someone that you’re at your desk or the mall, I will continuously flush the toilet for no reason other than to blow your cover.

If you have a problem with this, just have your people call my people—and leave a message at the tone.

This post was in response to the Studio30 Plus prompt:

Bad Habits

(it was so hard to pick just one)

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Smiling is My Favorite

True story.

I had to buy a new phone and qualified for an upgrade discount, so I went to the Verizon store and bought a new one. When I got home, I had an email with an online offer that confused me. Thinking I got screwed out of money, I decided to participate in a “live support chat” session online.

I copied the text and pasted it below.

Please wait for a Chat Representative to respond.

Thank you for contacting Verizon Wireless. My name is ‘Gina’, how may I assist you?

Abby: I just returned home from the Verizon store because I was told I qualified for an upgrade. So I purchased the new phone, got home and just saw that there was an online discount for the same phone that I just bought! How can I get that $50 discount? It seems unfair to have to pay the full price if I’m a returning customer…

Gina: I’m sorry for the misunderstanding about online pricing vs. store pricing. I can gladly assist you.

(Insert boring details here.)

Gina: Thank you. First I wanted to mention so you understand why this happened.  Stores have their own pricing. Now if you did purchase the phone at a company owned store I can see if I can credit your account.

Gina: One moment.

Gina: Great you did upgrade at a company owned store. I’m trying to see what you paid for the phone. $30?

Abby: $(insert amount much greater than $30)!

Gina: Oh. Gosh. Thank you. Please give me a few moments.

(Insert a few moments here.)

Abby: I’m still here…

Gina: Good news. We are unable to match online pricing as it’s for online orders only. Once you return you’re phone, place the order in My Verizon and it will be free.

Abby: But I already cut the UPC off the box and sent it in for the rebate. And it’s “your,” not “you’re,” just for future reference. I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s a pet peeve of mine.

Gina: Ha. Okay. You can still return phones after submitting the rebate. Your refund will be less the rebate.

Abby: So if I take the phone back, do they simply refund me what I paid for this phone and then I order the new one online for $X?

Gina: Yes, I see what you mean now. Hmm. The store will refund your money less the $50 rebate then you will get the $50 on a Visa card.  Once they process your return, you can then order the phone in My Verizon for $X.

Abby: What do I tell them when I go there?

Gina: Exactly what you told me. Wait. You mentioned a $50 rebate. Online orders offer instant rebates and the stores instead have mail in rebates. In the end your price is still the same. I thought at first you found it was free.

Sidenote: Who mentioned a free phone?

Gina: Do you follow me?

Abby: Like on Twitter? I just starting Tweeting last week and don’t really know what I’m doing.

Gina: Ha. No, not on Twitter.

Abby: In fact, it’s kind of like this—typing back and forth—except you have to add in things like @ and # every once in awhile.

Gina: That sounds nice. Do you understand about the phone?

Abby:  I think so. So there’s no difference between ordering it online or in the store. One is with a mail-in rebate and one is instant, so this whole conversation was for nothing?

Gina: You were under impression that you would get an additional $50 off but online there’s no mail in rebate in addition. It would be worth it if you saw it was free online.


Gina: I just caught that now. You never mentioned seeing a free phone online. 

Abby: Right…so it’s the same price either way then.

Gina: I guess so! Are you familiar with how to track your rebate submission online? I can give you the direct link.

Abby: I sent it in already. It will come in the mail. As long as I’m not getting screwed by ordering in store instead of online, I guess this whole thing was a moot point!

Gina: I’m glad it works out the same. I included the link above to help you track the status.

Abby: I just mailed it an hour ago, so I don’t think I can check yet. However, I will keep the link for future use. Thanks.

Gina: Yes, exactly. Save it to your favorites.

Abby: Smiling is my favorite.

Gina: In 4-6 weeks you will receive your Visa card that can be used anywhere to further smiles!

Abby: Yay for smiles!

Gina: I hope you are enjoying your new phone. Did you have any additional questions or concerns for me at this time?

Abby: Thank you Gina. I plan on enjoying my new phone by not answering it when it rings and dying a little inside when the little text thing goes off.

Gina: You can change your text notifications in the Sounds setting menu if it is bothering you at the wrong times.

Abby: No, it’s people that bother me. The noises are fine.

Gina: Oh no! Well you go and have a great peaceful day by yourself with lots of smiles. If you have no other questions, I thank you for being a valued Verizon Wireless customer.