Tag Archives: news

Breaking News

I’m not really into the news.

While I think it’s important to know what’s going on, I’m okay with just grazing the surface with minimal awareness to the impending doom of the planet and how a trailer park manager won the lotto with a ticket he found in an opossum nest.

Anchorman

With that said, I do have the local news on in the background when getting ready for work in the morning and often while I’m eating dinner—mostly for the weather.

But the thing is that it’s basically the same script each day with names, places and dates switched around like some perverted Mad Libs puzzle. Of course the stories are different, but the premise is often the same. So while I’ve only been privy to a “behind the scenes” look at the news on one occasion—and it was a Saturday morning—I have to imagine the script looks something like this.

Breaking News!

Newscaster 1: Good morning! I’m Susie Sunshine.

Newscaster 2: And I’m Bob Boring. It’s Monday and you’re tuned into WXYZ, where we are the ONLY station to bring you the most EXCLUSIVE up-to-date news complete with witty banter and sexual tension between me and my co-host that can be cut with a dull butter knife.

N1: That’s right, Bob. Ha, ha, ha! First off, the former mayor has been arrested on embezzlement charges from his current job at Popcorn Palace, but this isn’t the first time he’s been “popped” for that. We’ll detail his criminal record coming up in 10.

N2: Thanks, Suze. There’s also a warning out there today for anyone who has driven a car filled with gasoline, as it turns out that one false move could cause the car to explode. This is very important information, so be sure to tune into our 11 pm newscast 17 hours from now for the details.

N1: And we have some good news for you this morning about that giant lizard that was run over by a Segway driven by that 103-year-old man last week. Let’s just say, he’s “scaling” back to health.

N2: But first, let’s throw it over to chief meteorologist, Guy Cloud, who is standing outside in the pouring rain and blowing winds. Guy!

(Throw it to weatherman standing outside in the pouring ran, holding onto his hat and umbrella while trying to talk into the microphone.)

Weatherman: Thanks guys! You don’t need me standing outside in this horrible storm to tell you that it’s raining outside, but I’ll still tell you that it’s raining outside and demonstrate this by standing outside in the rain. As for the rest of the week, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact weather that you can expect—although that’s my job—so be sure to check back later tonight for your completely hypothetical 8 day forecast. Remember, we’re the MOST accurate storm team around! Back to you in the studio!

N1: What a Guy, ha ha!

N2: Indeed Suze, indeed. No one can rain on his parade! But bringing the focus back to us, coming up we’ll tell you all about that semi-serious thing that happened and then include video of our reporter walking at the camera while talking and accenting scripted words with numerous hand gestures while ignoring everything behind them.

They will then interview someone off the street who is the least qualified to speak publically on the subject—or even be out in public at all—before offering up an introspective statement delivered for maximum impact.

N1: (taking a sip from her coffee cup) You’re such a tease, Bob! I look forward to pretending to care.

N2: As do I, Suze. As do I. And now a word from our sponsors.

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Forecast: Sunny with a chance of jazz hands

There’s no polite way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it. I’ve developed unnatural annoyance towards the local weatherman. Let me explain the rationale I use to help me make this seem okay:

Forecast: Obnoxiously Sunny Disposition

While I’m all for enthusiasm, he is entirely too excited about his job —and natural disasters — and wants everyone else to be too. Whether he’s stuck outside in a blizzard with icicles forming from his snotty nose or simply flashing his jazz hands in front of a green screen, he’s entirely too spastic. A raindrop falls, graphs are drawn and excited overanalysis begins. 

Forecast: Flood of Hyperbole

He completely abuses his “Severe Weather” and “Breaking News” privileges.

party-cloudy-day-weather-disaster-seasonal-ecards-someecards

Yes, we get severe weather, but not every day. His hyperbole and penchant for overexcitement and exaggeration—actually using the phrase “Snowpacolypse” on multiple occasions —have left me indifferent to possible natural disasters. Until I hear sirens and a cow flies by my window, I will assume he’s simply meteorologically manic. Again.

Forecast: Cloudy Credibility

I understand he’s trying to predict the future, but he’s wrong quite often. In an effort to gain credibility, he will tell you to take an umbrella if it’s raining and wear a warm coat when it snows. We will then be inundated with station promos about how they “brought us the most accurate forecast” in the area.  My suggestion would be to focus on the forecast for 10 minutes from now, not 10 days, and stay humble. You don’t get bonus points for doing your job.

Forecast: Slightly Corny

I often feel like I’m watching bad stand-up and the annoying “filler” banter back and forth with the anchor borders on adolescent awkwardness.  Weather puns will be made. He will call her by some abbreviated form of her name and “Suze” will politely laugh while looking directly into the camera instead of at him. If it’s nice out, she’ll thank him for the nice day, to which he will reply, "You’re welcome", as if he had control of it.  They will laugh and laugh and laugh…

Forecast:  Condescension, not to be confused with condensation

Finally—and most importantly—he makes me feel like a social reject with absolutely no life (on this he’s only halfway right—as usual.) Every forecast is prefaced with something along the lines of, “If you’re getting ready to go out to dinner tonight” or “If you’re planning a picnic followed by a long walk on the beach tomorrow” etc. Never does he say, “If you’re planning on sitting on your couch in your yoga pants watching the ball game and writing a blog post while trying to find that piece of food you just dropped down your shirt,” plan on partly sunny skies.

Extended Forecast

Even with all that said, I still watch the weather, mostly because the weatherman has convinced me that I need to find out how the weather won’t be when I’m sitting on my couch in yoga pants watching the ball game and writing a blog post while trying to find that piece of food I just dropped down my shirt.

But I have started to switch to the Weather Channel and their “Local on the 8’s” instead. I usually don’t remember the forecast five minutes after I’ve watched it, but I know it will run again in 10 minutes and the music is catchy.

And catchy music means there’s a strong chance of an impromptu dance party in my living room—with jazz hands, of course.