Tag Archives: New Years

13 Gym Tips for 2013

If you belong to a gym, you know the New Years crowd will soon descend upon the facility. Machines will be busy, the parking lot will be full and for a good two months the place will swell with momentary motivation, testosterone and a lingering scent of body odor.

i-usually-look-like-a-moron-anyway-but-you-know-what-i-mean

Those who stick around will soon become initiated with certain people and unspoken rules of the gym. And while I’ve talked about this before, it bears repeating as the new crowd looms large.

So if you’re new to the gym scene, here’s a stereotypical primer.

  1. Some women will primp before the gym and then walk around without actually lifting a weight. Remind them that telling everyone about their fitness plan won’t make them healthier unless they’re doing it door to door — they love that.
  2. With men, you may see Hammer pants and fanny packs paired stylishly with weight belts and wrestling shoes. Do not be alarmed! This is apparently a conscious decision on the part of the “bodybuilder” and any attempts to suggest otherwise will be frowned upon.
  3. Outbursts and primal grunting are perfectly accepted and often encouraged with statements like, “You got this!” and “Lift that shit!” Interject your own encouragement like “Hugs not drugs!”— they love that.
  4. Chit chat may occur, but only when the other person is resting in between sets. If you are in the middle of an exercise, plan on someone asking you a question completely unrelated and irrelevant.
  5. If you’re anything like me, Sundays at the gym will consist of 50 percent of people talking about how hungover they are, 49 percent of people pretending to listen and you.
  6. People will be wearing iPods and the like, oblivious to the fact that if they sing, we can hear them. Join in — it’s fun for all!
  7. People will write things down. They will do one set of pull-downs and after flexing in the mirror to admire the results of those eight reps of awesomeness, they will record it in their little notebook. Ask them if they’re writing a haiku — the look on their face will be priceless.
  8. Men will voluntarily shave things women hate to shave.
  9. Most gyms have the hard core guys that know days of the week not by Monday or Tuesday but by Leg Day and Shoulder Blow-Out Bonanza sessions. Most gyms also have a group of older women that meet in the morning and get most of their exercise from running their mouths and fueling the rumor mills. Do not mess with their coffee.
  10. Do not stare directly at someone using the inner/outer thigh machine who is wearing shorts. It’s like staring at the sun—you will not love this.
  11. There will be stalkers. People will hover around and wait for your piece of equipment or cardio machine despite the fact that there are a plethora of other options they could be using. Make loud noises or begin singing to buy yourself a few extra sets.
  12. People in the parking lot will also stalk you for a closer parking spot, even though that defeats the purpose of going to the gym. Chances are it’s not a cardio day, and therefore not something written down in the notebook.
  13. And finally, the sweatier and grosser you get at the gym, the more people you will run into when you stop to the store immediately after. However, ducking in and out of the aisles with your cart and sprinting to the register can also count as cardio. 

It’s really a win all around.

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Let’s Wrap It Up

It’s been established that I’m not a fan of Top Ten lists or New Year’s resolutions, so this “holiday” isn’t a big deal to me.

And after an unfortunate incident that involved two measly vodka gimlets and a low tolerance on Christmas Eve with a couple of friends, I have also established that even though I only drink once or twice a year, I am never drinking again.

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In other words, my actual New Year’s Eve will be low-key—as usual.

I’m going to be on the local news at 7:30 Saturday morning talking about the book again (here’s the link to my debut last week. Don’t judge.) This time it’s live TV, so I’m thinking I’m guaranteed to either ramble incessantly, sneeze uncontrollably or bust out with my own personal rendition of “Dancing Queen” while showing how I can do the splits all three ways.

It’s a toss-up.

After that I’ll go on with my day and wait for “America’s Got Talent” to call, spill various things on whatever sweatshirt I’m wearing and crash in bed by 10:30 like every other Saturday night. However, my mom is having the nun over on New Year’s Day, so that could be exciting.

But the point of this post wasn’t to point out that I am the reason I can’t have nice things or why I’m single—or as I prefer to call it, “independently owned and operated—but rather to break my own rule and do a pseudo-Top Ten list from the past year on this blog for the five people who are regularly reading blogs this week.

(waves) Hello, spam commenter “Galinda” who declared, “Heckuva job there, gal! Real brain power on display! Sex toys at my site!”

Anyway, don’t worry. Even though it was kind of a big year for me in some ways—I did turn 30, marry my couch and kind of figure out how to make pictures bigger on my blog—I’m too lazy to actually go back through the last year. So below is just a short list of stats from WordPress.

And because I kind of feel like doing something rebellious and out of character to shock you people, instead of 10 things, I’ll go with nine.

Nine Most Commented Posts in 2011

This list actually surprised me a bit, as I’m not sure I would classify all these as my nine favorite posts, but you were feeling chatty with these evidently:

Top Nine WTF Search Terms Since the Last Recap

  • But what about my needs, you chauvinist squirrel?
  • Look at that bitch eat her cracker like she owns the place
  • Drunk nuns are my favorite
  • Mardi Gras costumes for large dogs and midget squirrels
  • Bend me over while I do the dishes
  • You are my Google, you have everything I’m searching for
  • Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken (yay for Fight Club posts!)
  • Gilad’s thong drawer
  • Expiration date for yogurt and grandma

Let’s Wrap It Up Already

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All in all, I think 2011 was neither detrimental nor monumental, but just kind of mental.

I won’t go through and rehash everything I’ve written or thought about—that’s what archives and the Issue Index are for—and I won’t try and summarize 365 days in one post.  I also won’t make any hard and fast resolutions for 2012 or try and predict where I’ll be 365 days from now, mostly because I get distracted and won’t remember where I am five minutes from now.

Instead I’ll thank you for reading my rambles and invite you to continue to join me for the next 365 days—or until I run out of things to say, which could be much sooner than that or an excruciatingly longer period of time more than that.

It’s a toss up.

All aboard.

YOUR TURN!

Forget your own resolutions. Whether it’s women taking pictures of themselves with their phones and posting them on Facebook, meteorologists freaking out over a drop of rain, people using the word “epic” or me rambling, what resolution would you like to see someone ELSE make in 2012?

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