Tag Archives: marriage

My Marriage Proposal

I’m generally low maintenance, but the same cannot be said for my house.

As any homeowner can attest, the things that need to be done around a house are not only numerous, but often never-ending. And unless you enjoy changing air filters, scrubbing out the shower or replacing the rain gutters, these tasks are not something one often looks forward to doing.

Side note: While I do love cleaning and have an unnatural affinity for my Swiffer Wet Jet and ‘Ove’Glove—best thing ever—this love does not extend to various other jobs that require my attention, or more accurately, require me to ignore because I have no clue how to do them.

Because I’m single, I either have to figure out how to put the screen doors in and replace (insert random odd thing you didn’t even know existed until it broke) myself, or bribe someone to do it with beer or brownies.

I’m lucky that my family lives close by because they help with odds and ends, but I have to admit there are times when I think it would be nice to have a man around to fix a thing or two, change the oil in my Blazer and possibly help with the bills. Don’t get me wrong in that I work hard, have no problem working hard and am proud of everything I have, but not thinking about these annoying tasks would be great.

So I think I have found the perfect solution–I have decided I want to be a Trophy Wife. Well, I should rephrase that to be a bit more accurate:

I have decided I want to be a Consolation Prize Wife.

A Consolation Prize Wife is like a Trophy Wife, but actually way cooler because she requires less maintenance.

The typical Trophy Wife is young and married to an older powerful man—the Sugar Daddy— and serves as a visual status symbol of his success.  She’s basically arm candy.

I’m not quite as young or as hot and probably come with more issues, but I’m not quite yet 30 and despite being skinny with no boobs, I can clean up nice. So even though I missed my chance to land a Sugar Daddy with one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel, I’m thinking I might be able to swing the alternative here.

The Consolation Prize Wife

As a Consolation Prize Wife, I would still marry a powerful man and serve as a visual (or vocal, more likely) status symbol of his humble success (like I said, I  make a great party date.) He wouldn’t be old, but would still have money so that I could be a stay-at-home-mom minus the kids, do yoga to stay in physical and emotional shape, write an engaging and witty blog and oversee the management of our animal rescue center.


I would be required to get dressed up and attend various social events with him, tell him he’s cool and frequent the Farmers Market on a weekly basis for the things I would learn how to cook.  In return, he would be required to be handy around the house, request no emotional attachment or sexual interest unless provoked (by me) and have a Canadian accent.

And we would have separate beds, as I love to sleep much more than I love to spoon.

This way my grass would get cut, I could write and be my own boss, consider it a professional obligation to clean everything all the time and keep myself in shape. He would get to always have a witty plus-one for events, someone to keep things running smooth at home while he does the work thing and the freedom to never have to answer the questions “Why do you love me” or “What are you thinking about right now?”



Because I’m smart and fairly secure, so there’s no question about why he would love me. And second, I don’t really care what he’s thinking about right now unless it involves a) cleaning the gutters, b) urging me in his Canadian accent to go write or c) my next feeding.

After all, just because a house is high maintenance doesn’t mean I have to be. And as a Consolation Prize Wife, I will make it my duty to remain that way until death do us part, at which time I will be back to where I started from.

Which will be, most likely, Home Depot.

Single in the suburbs

Apparently, some people have a problem with this.

Mind you these are most likely the same people who are in a relationship built on convenience with expectations for someone else to “complete” them and fill in the gaps, usually resulting in disappointment with a dash of resentment thrown in.

Or they’re just nosy.

Either way, some people have a problem with other people being single. I can understand it when the “older” generation expresses confusion over hearing that someone my age is choosing to be single. Most of them married young, and while in love, it was also a strategic and expected move for financial and generational security. Heck, if you didn’t have kids, who would work on the farm?

But even today, most of society expects both men and women to get married, preferably before age 30 and have at least two children (one boy, one girl.) Being single is seldom seen as a choice, but rather the result of bad luck or crappy effort. Being alone is more often seen as boring, depressing, negative and a condition to remain in for only a short period of time.

Kind of like the flu.

To shorten this period of self-imposed spinsterhood, single women are supposed to date with regularity. If they don’t have a full dance card or at least a couple horror stories each month, people seem to take that as a go-ahead sign to join together the only two single people they know in an unfortunate event called a “blind date.”

Every time I get my hair cut, my hairdresser asks me, “So, are you seeing anyone special?” When I tell her no (just a whole bunch of unspecial people, ha ha) she will giggle conspiratorially–with scissors in hand, mind you. She will then proceed to tell me about another single client that would be perfect for me. Considering we have a 20-minute conversation every five weeks, I’m sure she’s more than qualified to make that judgment.

I smile until she puts down the sharp objects.

Don’t get me wrong! I appreciate the concern expressed by couples everywhere when they find out I pay my own mortgage, sleep alone in my bed or have no bridal registry to send them so they can go buy me a set of towels or a wok. It’s just that I don’t really see what’s so wrong with being single in the suburbs.

When you’re single, you can do what you want, when you want, with whom you want without having to answer to anyone. It allows you time to quietly sit and attempt to complete a thought, clean your house naked without worrying your partner’s friends will walk in and to never have to worry about the position of the toilet seat.

Being single also forces you to clean, (kind of) decorate, take an unnatural interest in home improvement stores, plan your own meals and activities, keep yourself entertained and take responsibility for paying your bills.

You can become intoxicated on the smell of a man’s cologne as he walks by without getting the evil eye (unless it’s from his girlfriend…or boyfriend.)

And if you have a headache, you don’t need to pack your bags for a guilt trip.

Is there anything wrong with being in a relationship? Of course not, and I would be remiss if I didn’t add that I do miss the companionship sometimes. With a partner you have a built-in confidant/therapist, baseball-watching buddy and standing weekend date. If both parties share the same values, goals and commitment towards once another, it can be spectacular. For this to happen, they also have to be okay with being alone.

In my opinion, the whole point of a relationship should be to share yourself with another person. The point shouldn’t be to try and get from someone what you think you’re lacking in yourself. For some reason, people often find this concept hard to grasp.

I am not one of them.

I’m okay with being single and can handle the quizzical looks and questions, even patiently explaining that I will in fact survive without someone to boot off my end of the couch. If it happens? Great. If it doesn’t? That just means I enjoy the middle of the bed a little more.

Apparently, some people have a problem with this.

I am not one of them.

What’s the best part about being in a relationship for you? Do you ever miss being single?


If you’re single, are you okay with it or always searching?