Tag Archives: Judge Judy

Judge Judy Meets Judy Garland

You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final. This is Judge Judy.

Bailiff Petri Hawkins-Byrd: We’re here today in the case of the “Wicked Witch of the West” vs. Dorothy Gale. Your honor, the parties have been sworn in. You may be seated.

JJ: Alright. Witchy here is suing Ms. Gale for a dog bite, the cost of a pair of ruby slippers that belonged to her sister who was “killed when Ms. Gale allegedly dropped a house on her” and pain and suffering. Ms. Gale has filed a counter claim for defamation and emotional distress. Begin.

WW: To start, I’m all but lame from the bite on my leg!

JJ: You mean Ms. Gale bit you?

WW: No, her dog.

JJ: She bit her dog?

WW: No! Her dog bit me!

JJ: (Sigh) I’m a very busy woman. Time is money and you’re practically robbing me blind. Have you ever heard that, ma’am? Well, neither have I. I just made it up. I’m going to put it on coffee mugs. Would you buy one, Byrd?

PHB: I most certainly would, judge. Hook a brother up.

JJ: (laughing) However, this is not “Let’s Make a Deal,” and I’m not Monty Hall Witchy! Get to the point of your story.

WW: First, Ms. Gale recklessly let her little mutt out and it bit me on my leg. Next, Ms. Gale’s house was dropped directly on top of my sister, and instead of going to the authorities, that witch stole the ruby slippers right off the feet of my sister before hopping in an air balloon and fleeing the scene.

JJ: You expect me to believe this young woman directed a house from the sky on top of your sister so she could snag a pair of shoes? Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting, ma’am.

WW: Ask that witch over there yourself! I have witnesses. They’re munchkins—excuse me, “little people”—and they couldn’t fit in the overhead compartments on the plane so they’re not here, but we can text them if we need to.

JJ: (Sigh) Ms. Gale, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

DG: Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy, from Kansas.

JJ: Okay, Dorothy, from Kansas. Did your dog bite Witchy over there?

DG: He might have nipped at her ankles, but only because she was threatening our lives! She was screaming, “Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?” I told her it was an accident. I didn’t mean to kill anybody. And she said, “Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too! Just try and stay out of my way. I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

JJ: You brought a witness?

DG: Yes, my friend the Scarecrow saw it all and was even threatened by the Witch as well.

WW: I object! That thing doesn’t even have a brain! Only straw!

JJ: (Looks at Scarecrow) How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?

SC: I don’t know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?

JJ: Yes. That’s true (looks over at the plaintiff and raises an eyebrow.) I’m going to put that one on a coffee mug, too. As for you, Scarecrow, I am not going to ask you to leave. But the next time you come into my courtroom, dress more appropriately. You are not going farming.

Did Witchy threaten Dorothy and defame her?

SC: Yes, yes your honor. And she threatened me with fire! And that she would stuff a mattress with me!

JJ: Witchy, you have failed to prove nothing more than you’re one drop away from a meltdown and I should sue you for emotional distress. Case dismissed.

WW: Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like her could destroy my beautiful wickedness?

JJ: Calm down, for heaven’s sake. Ms. Gale, I will award you the $500 you asked for and tell you to be a little more careful. Understand?

DG: Oh, yes ma’am. If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with. There’s no place like home.

JJ: What? What are you talking about? Just keep an eye on the company that you keep—and your little dog, too.

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Shocking Plot Twists!

While I love my routines, I hate predictability when it comes to the storylines in books, TV shows and movies. If I can figure out what’s going to happen five minutes in, you’ve lost me.

So I present to you a more realistic view of some stories you might have been told.

Shocking Plot Twists and Untold Stories, Revealed!

Belle (Beauty) and the Beast split up shortly after they realize they don’t have any dishes or household products that actually work. If you will recall, theirs spend a majority of the time singing and dancing.

While entertaining at first, it soon became evident that a talking candlestick and chipped, chatty tea cup don’t do much more than provide an audience for the newlyweds as they argue about hair in the sink and the fact that Belle’s dad won’t move out.


With Yogi taking the role of the friendly picnic basket thief, Smokey the Bear was discovered to actually be the one starting a majority of forest fires. In an attempt to maintain job security, Smokey apparently felt his only inroad to fame was deceit and a penchant for arson.


If you give a mouse a cookie, he will not ask for a glass of milk, want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn’t have a milk mustache, etc. like the story would have you believe. Instead he will try and take residence up in the pantry, crap all over and fall victim to an edible eviction at the hands of a domestic feline who can sniff out fear and fur.


As it turns out, the beautiful Rapunzel doesn’t let her hair down just for any man—she lets it down for every man. After leading the love-struck fools into her web of hair extensions and thinly-spread lies for too long, friends and family stage an intervention. However, Rapunzel instead decides to cut off her hair, sell it on eBay and try out for “The Bachelor.”


CSI Episode: No one is killed. The detectives hang in the office and play Bananagrams.


Philosophical differences between neighbors Johnny Appleseed, a kind soul who loves to plant apple trees and protect them from harm, and Paul Bunyan, a testosterone egomaniac who cuts down the trees with one swoop of his axe, land these two on Judge Judy.

It gets dirty. Johnny brings up how Paul never picks up the literal bull shit that Babe the Blue Ox leaves around. Paul counters with an argument about property lines and the tree that is actually his. Judge Judy sighs, rolls her eyes and rules in favor of Johnny because Paul wore jeans into court. Her ruling is final.


After hearing about Snow White’s brush with a necrophilia-driven Prince, an evil Queen and a life filled with cooking, cleaning and keeping house for seven “little people” while they mine for jewels and go out at night, TLC offers Snow White her own reality show.

The only requirement is that she incorporate the dwarfs and cupcakes somehow to appeal to their core demographic. She accepts and “Good Things Come in Small Packages” is a huge hit.


The Little Engine that Could, best known for optimistically chanting, “I think I can, I think I can,” could overcome every seemingly impossible task except being cited for EPA clean air violations. He thought he could, but he can’t—until he cleans up his act.


We’ll end with the first story told—Adam and Eve. However, in this instance Eve says she can’t eat the apple because there’s no proof that it’s 100 percent non-GMO organic. Adam, annoyed and exasperated with Eve—but more importantly, ravenously hungry—grabs the apple, his junk behind the strategically-placed fig leaf and chows down.

I think we know how this ends.

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