Tag Archives: instructions

Hair to Dye For

Does your hair need a new hue?

Don’t spend upwards of $120 every six weeks to get tinfoil wrapped around your head while you eavesdrop on the conversations of rich people and sip glasses of sparkling water with cucumber!

No, I stopped doing that years ago when things like mortgages took priority over foils and fancy dye jobs. My solution? Think inside the box—as in, the box of at-home hair color.

Not only is it economical, but it’s also simple to do!

haircolor

  1. Wait for coupon so I can save $2 on the $7 box of hair color.
  2. Spend 20 minutes in the store trying to figure out what color to choose.
  3. Eliminate anything permanent or that takes longer than 10 minutes (fear of commitment and lack of patience.)
  4. Choose one that washes out in 28 washings. Figure that can be stretched out for what, 3 months or so?
  5. Come home and leave box of hair color in the closet a minimum of two weeks due to laziness.
  6. Realize it’s getting ridiculous and prepare to execute dye job.
  7. Place old towel over the sink and put on shirt I don’t have to lift over my head.
  8. Open box and grab plastic gloves, pull the top of the glove away from my arm and let it snap back into place like I’m about to perform open-heart surgery.
  9. Dump contents of bottle 1 into bottle 2 and shake before reading the instructions.
  10. Unleash a string of profanity at the confusion over reading the instructions.
  11. Flip instructions over to the English version.
  12. Adjust bathroom mirror so I can see all sides of my head.
  13. Notice every stray eyebrow hair I need to pluck out and that the cabinet needs to be cleaned.
  14. After spending 10 minutes plucking the eyebrow and wiping out the cabinet, start applying color to hair.
  15. OH MY GOD IS THAT A BLONDE HAIR OR A GRAY HAIR!
  16. Pluck suspect strand out of head.
  17. Get hair color on white sink when trying to throw suspect strand in the sink.
  18. Sigh. Take off glove and wipe down sink and, of course, the rest of the counter.
  19. Finish squirting on the dye, carefully take off gloves and throw them away.
  20. Unleash a string of profanity when dropping the glove in the sink.
  21. Remind myself that I’m why I can’t have nice things.
  22. Re-clean sink.
  23. Put on the shower cap and feel like a surgeon again.
  24. GAH! Note that a surgeon wouldn’t have a neck, ears and forehead covered in smudges of dark color.
  25. Grab wet paper towel and feverishly start scrubbing at the dye on my head.
  26. Realize I forgot to set the timer. Crap. How long have I been scrubbing my head?
  27. After a quick approximation, set timer.
  28. Wipe dye off the kitchen timer.
  29. Get distracted by something shiny or bright until the timer goes off.
  30. Wonder why I set the kitchen timer.
  31. Scratch head, take note of aforementioned shower cap and head back to shower.
  32. Gently rinse out hair color, turn around to grab the shampoo and…
  33. OH MY GOD THE WHITE SHOWER IS COVERED IN BLACK HAIR COLOR!
  34. Unleash a string of profanity when faced with the realization I’ll have to change the shower curtain liner again.
  35. Lather and rinse.
  36. Wipe off shower tile with my hand in effort to “spot clean” the thing.
  37. Try and remember whether or not I’ve already shampooed by hair.
  38. Rinse again as precautionary measure.
  39. Wrap towel around head and head upstairs to dry out my hair.
  40. Collapse on the bed in exhaustion.

It’s hard work being a diva.

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