Tag Archives: In the Powder Room

Engagements, Oversharing and Butt Facials

This picture has nothing at all to do with this post, but seeing as today is Friday I thought I would throw it in here anyway. Actually, considering the random nature of this post, I guess it actually fits right in. 

Friday

(Also available here.)

Anyway, I’ll have a new post for you next time, but it’s the end of the month so I thought I would let you know that I have FOUR different posts for you to click on and read today instead. 

First over on YourTango we’re talking love, toxic friends and oversharing: 

10 Beautifully Unexpected Ways Husbands Proposed to Their Wives

10 “Toxic” Friends You Need to Remove From Your Life

Dear Internet Oversharers: Get Off Facebook, Get See a Therapist

I’m also resharing this piece I wrote last year because given everything going on right now–and just the fact that winter doesn’t help with depression–it still seems really applicable. Maybe someone else can relate, so there’s that. 

And finally, if you fear someone is going to get close enough to your ass and your crotch to notice some redness or bumps and you have an extra $200 or so laying around, then there’s still time to schedule your “Vajacial” and “Shiny Hiney” services before bathing suit season.

That’s right! Facials for your front and your back doors! I know you’re all intrigued at this point, so head on over to In The Powder Room and read all about it….no, really. I’m not kidding. Butt facials. Go check it out and I’ll see you back here next week. 

Spa Treatments For Your What Now? 

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GOOP Holiday Gift Guide: Revised!

This is the time of year when everyone publishes holiday gift guides with super practical items like a $345,000 Celebrity Robot Avatar from Hammacher Schlemmer to a $150, 15-pound loaf of bread from Oprah’s Favorite Things.

Gwenyth Paltrow, actress, queen of condescension and creator of GOOP—“an eminent lifestyle publication”— got in on the act with their own GOOP Gift Guide for 2014. I realize that I might not be the target audience, seeing as I save 20 minutes on my beauty routine by not having a beauty routine, but I am in the publication’s demographic.

I am also an editor and decided to rewrite some of the captions they included in the guide to appeal to the more practical anti-GOOPer out there, like:

Easy Health Angel Juicer

$4,739

Caption: Absurd, but awesome.

What it should say: Gold jewelry for your kitchen that will cost more green than it will ever juice.

See where I’m going with this?

Actually, I’m going over to In the Powder Room with this, so head on over and read the other nine “New and Improved” Holiday Gift Guide descriptions.

GOOP Gift Guide_ Revised!Happy anti-GOOPing and I’ll see you here on Tuesday!

Shopping like a normal person? Buy the books and cool things!

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P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my  Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures Has Issues

Today I’m excited to introduce a new weekly feature here on the blog. After all, as much as I delight in entertaining my dozens of readers with posts serenading asparagus or letters to my yoga pants, it doesn’t always have to be ALL ABOUT ME.

Well, it kind of does but that’s not the point.

The point is that I also love the bloggers I’ve met and want everyone else to think they like me as much as I like them. That’s why I’m starting a weekly feature—(Insert name here) Has Issues—where I ask interesting people the same questions each week and share their awesomeness with you.

For example, when I get Tina Fey to do it, it would say “Tina Fey Has Issues” and then I would ask her questions about her writing, embarrassing moments, food and why she issued that restraining order against me.

That way my readers can meet someone new or learn something about people they know and I have a fun post to publish in between my own ramblings about washing a yard gnome in my bird bath.

Plus, I’m nosy and like to know ALL the things.

So without further ado, here’s Robyn!

Name: Robyn Welling Esquire, III

Blog : Hollow Tree Ventures

Where, what and why do you write?

I write humor at my house while wearing socks because my feet are cold, which I thought I’d throw in there even though you didn’t ask what I was wearing. I put the stuff I write on the Internet, either on my blog or on the website of the highest bidder (and/or the blogs of dear, dear friends). Right now I’m most often found on NickMom and CraftFail, but I also write for LifetimeMoms and In The Powder Room, and I have a woefully neglected Huffington Post blog. I write out of a continued amazement that people sometimes think I’m funny, and because I like food and indoor plumbing.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!? Oh, I could sleep for another two hours? Well, now that I’ve had a panic attack, I might as well get up.

What’s the one “issue” annoying you right now?

That I’m tired. I know, that’s so boring – I’m pretty sure a good two-thirds of the Internet is dedicated to people talking about how tired they are. But seriously. I need a nap.

Three websites you visit every day.

Mine. Mine again to fix a typo. Then mine a third time to pad my page views.

What’s an unusual talent you could never put on a resume?

I’m double jointed. I actually had to quit playing the clarinet because my fingers would get stuck on a note and I wouldn’t be able to bend them! Wait, that’s the opposite of an accomplishment.

Favorite place to be?

At home. Which is a good thing because that’s the only place I ever am.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

It would take me ALL DAY just trying to fix the other drivers. TURN SIGNALS, PEOPLE. It’s not rocket science.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

This is the part where I have to say, “I don’t know because we don’t watch TV” and sound like one of those jerky new-age Gwyneth types who doesn’t believe in technology and only keeps an old cathode ray tube television in the living room for ironic hipster-related reasons. What it really means is that we’re too poor for cable, and local TV is too boring to watch. (Also, since I don’t watch TV I’m not 100 percent sure the cultural references I used in this paragraph make any sense.)

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Hmm, the best thing would have to be all fresh fruit. My kids seem to really be into nourishment, and they ALWAYS ask for fruit from the store. That’s not a humble brag, that’s just facts right there. The worst thing in my fridge would be all the fruit that’s gone bad, because my kids are always more interested in eating fruit when I’m making the grocery list than they are later when it’s time to eat it.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Least offensive/almost slightly endearing or at least not completely annoying neurosis: I am absolutely unable to open a straw without tying the paper wrapper in a knot and pulling the ends to see if it comes untied. I’ve tried to force myself to just throw the wrapper away without doing the knot thing, but I can’t. I get this odd feeling that something terrible will happen, and even though I know that’s completely ridiculous, I figure there’s no harm in being just a teeny bit crazy.


See? She’s hilarious—and brave for being the first person I’m featuring on here. Who will it be next Friday? You’ll just have to wait and see (call me, Tina.)

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P.S. A reminder that Facebook is limiting what you see, so if you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

The Nose Knows

When I saw a woman in front of me at the store the other day smell the packs of gum to help her decide which kind to buy, I felt like I found a new friend.

Why?

Because a majority of the decisions I make on a daily basis are at least partially the result of the “smell test.” My first instinct when given something—be it food, a puppy or even a candle specifically labeled “unscented”—is to smell it.

I’m just a “smelly” person.

But lucky for me—and especially lucky for YOU—the ladies over In The Powder Room accept my neurosis and even encourage it by publishing my post on this very topic.

So clear out those sinuses, click the link and go read about how if you see me spraying an air freshener in a store aisle and quickly sticking my nose in the mist, smelling a fake plant or subtly sniffing the cute guy in the produce aisle, there’s no reason to be alarmed.

smell

The nose knows, my friends.

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P.S. A reminder that Facebook is limiting what you see, so if you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

A Toast

I’ve long held the belief that there’s not much that smells better than bread, specifically toast of any kind.

Right now I own two toasters—a cheap one that I got from Walgreens six years ago that still browns my bread to perfection, and one that I received for my birthday that brands the bread with the logo of my beloved Detroit Tigers.

I thought the Tiger toaster was very cool and clever.

With that said, there are some things I just don’t want on my toast. Sunflower seed butter? Bring it on. Vegan margarine? I can’t get enough. The image of genitalia?

Excuse me, but what?

Head on over In the Powder Room to read how with the push of a lever, you can have a pornographic piece of toasted treat, served just for you, and I’ll see you back here later this week.

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Let’s Get Clicky

Technology makes it so much easier to complain about technology, now doesn’t it? Let’s do that for a minute and then get to the part where I refer you to read an ironic post that I wrote.

Facebook is rivaling the Grinch in terms of seasonal spirit by starting to force blog fan pages to pay in order for their followers to actually see what they post. Now I know it’s annoying that I’m complaining about this again, but seriously?

It’s ridiculous, and I’m not going to pay Facebook to share my nonsense with the masses when that money could be spent buying pesto.

No, instead I’m going to be POSITIVE and invite you to subscribe to my blog via email (see that nice little option on the left side of my blog?), follow me on Twitter (one-liners I should probably keep to myself) and remind you to make sure you’re selecting the “Show in Newsfeed” and “All Updates” on Facebook.

Unless you’re actively trying to avoid me, in which case — carry on as you were. Let’s move on.

I’ll have a new post for you here this later week that doesn’t involve self-promotion that makes me feel uncomfortable and twitchy like this does, but today I’m back over In The Powder Room talking more about technology and cults.

What do those two things have in common?powder-room.jpg I suppose you have to click…HERE to find out.

So let’s summarize:

  • Facebook is lame.
  • I prefer pesto to popularity.
  • You have various options to either interact with or ignore me.
  • The serving size suggestion on hummus is about as useful as a Kindle is to a Kardashian. 
  • Clicking this link will trick In The Powder Room into thinking that I have friends.

One of those things doesn’t belong, but I felt it was valid. Anyway, go forth and read about cults, soak in the irony of that statement and I’ll see you here for my next post.

Unless you’re actively trying to avoid me, in which case — carry on as you were.

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Odds and Ends

I actually have a new post to publish, but I like to read my posts out loud to the cat before I publish them so that I can prepare myself for no emotional reaction whatsoever, and she’s been on a catnip bender this week. Twice I came home to find her burning incense and eating Cheetos while hanging upside down off the couch.

She knows she’s not allowed on the couch.

Anyway, she’s penciling me in this weekend so Monday I’ll probably share whatever it is I wrote that I already forgot about because it’s been a long week. In other words, this is a post that isn’t really a post but just wrapping up a few odds and ends.

First of all, I’m over In the Powder Room talking about shopping for pants and you should go read it.

Clothes shopping is the 7th circle of hell @abbyhasissues

I know, I know. Who am I? First I talk about ta-tas and then retail. But seeing as I’m equally ignorant and ambivalent about both topics, I felt I was qualified to write about them on the Internet.

Speaking of the Internet, anyone who has a Facebook fan page knows what a pain in the dupa it is to actually get people to see your posts. Most of the time the stats show only about 25 percent of my “fans” see anything that I share.

If you’re not doing that on purpose, check out the handy tip sheet Kim from Let Me Start By Sharing made to simplify the process.

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And finally, I hate to brag, but Jake from State Farm replied to one of my tweets.

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Sorry I’m not good at screenshots.

He had to had to stalk his name to find it (weeks later) and doesn’t have that many followers, so maybe he is as hideous as the commercial suggests? All I know for certain is that he’s wearing khakis and emotionally available at 3 a.m.

That’s more than I can say.

Anyway, that’s the end of this post that isn’t really a post. Now entertain me.

If you could sum up your week with one movie or song title, what would it be?

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