Needless to say, the closest I’ll come to having a reality show is if they’re looking to make a montage of someone walking into a room, forgetting why she went in there and walking back out a few times.
Considering the kinkiest part of my weekend was wrestling with the garden hose for 15 minutes, I’m not exactly making headline news with my adventures. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still provide you with some more headlines from my house.
Woman reenacts, ‘Eat. Pray. Love.’ minus the last two things
Chickpea dropped on office floor. Memorial services pending
Missed Connection: You were the hot shirtless jogger who said “hi.” I was the one who waved back with a bag full of dog poop. Look me up.
Group formed to mandate drug testing ‘Price Is Right’ contestants, claiming, ‘No one is naturally that excited about anything.’
Weather: High was 80 degrees. Low was eating a piece of broccoli that fell out of my shirt
Local dentist offers hygienists comfortable with silence for additional fee
On the next episode of ‘Naked & Afraid’: Abby sees a spider in the shower
Invitation stating, ‘Regrets Only,’ sent note: ‘My hair throughout most of the ’90s.’
Chipmunk runs into leg, screams and runs away; Suspect assumed to be male, given victim’s history with the opposite sex
Studies show easiest way to get out of ‘Reply All’ email cycle is to toss computer out window and start a new life
Writer wins $2 on scratch-off lotto ticket, says ‘I promise not to let it change who I am.’
Trending in fashion: ‘I look okay enough to go to Walmart, but not to go to Target’
Woman uses kitchen shears to actually cut food and not open a box; offered Food Network show
Breaking News: Windshield not a force field of invisibility. People see you picking your nose
Motion to rename store ‘Bed, Bath & Beyond My Budget’ denied
Suspected tricks up woman’s sleeve confirmed to be just scented fabric softener sheet
Newest social media craze revealed: 1) Leave your house 2) Talk to real people
Analysts predict most effective retirement plan is cashing in swear jar on desk
Beauty Tip: Save 20 minutes on morning beauty routine by not having morning beauty routine
Compilation video from ATM security footage of woman rocking out in car sold to YouTube for pennies
For 1,356,305th week in a row, Saturday wins award for “Best Day of the Week”
Woman danced like nobody was watching. Got asked to leave store because ‘Scaring the other shoppers’
Writer pulls muscle in chest. No swelling. Great disappointment.
Your turn. What’s one headline from your life?