We’re in the middle of a heat wave in my area, which by definition means a week of temperatures above 90 degrees with humidity, no rain and a plethora of manic meteorologists taking delight in telling viewers the weather is miserable while they sit inside their air conditioned studios.
I only have one window AC unit, and while I hate feeling absolutely frozen and trudging through snow, I dislike extreme heat even more.
I guess I hate feeling cold and I hate feeling hot—so basically I just hate feeling.
Anyway, my brain is also fried for various reasons—all perfectly legal, mind you—and so this rant will serve double-duty. Like they say, when life hands you lemons, stick them in your bra so people believe you when you complain about boob sweat.
Hot and Bothered
DAY 1. What beautiful weather! Days like these are what get me through the long stretches of winter when I’m stuck scraping ice off my car. Well, minus this humidity. It’s getting a little bit thick.
DAY 2: It’s really heating up out there and no rain is predicted for days, so I should go out and water. However, it’s still nice to sleep with the windows open despite what sounds like a drunken domestic between chipmunks outside.
DAY 3: This isn’t fun anymore. The thermostat in my living room has reached 84 degrees and the birdbath has become a hot tub for small woodland creatures. I can’t crank up the pitiful AC unit even more. I should probably water. Again.
DAY 4: It’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. That is, if you’re into eating chicken excretions off of dirty pavement. Molesting my AC unit is starting to feel a bit awkward, but at least I have an excuse to not wash my hair and run around the house without pants. Considering renting out living room as Bikram yoga studio.
DAY 5: Up at 3 a.m. to go for a walk and mow the grass because it’s already 112 degrees by 6 a.m. Screw it. The grass isn’t growing anyway and if it spontaneously combusts, there’s a chance a hot firefighter will be called to the scene.
DAY 6: GOOD LORD, IT FEELS LIKE AN OVEN. The 5-foot walk from my door to the car soaks me in sweat and my yard is starting to turn brown. I should water. I should straddle the sprinkler and ignore all those looks from the neighbors. I should move to Alaska.
DAY 7: Still sweating. Still bitter. The trash in the garage smells like decaying rats and all I’ve put out there is an empty almond milk container and paper towel tube. WHY DOES MOTHER NATURE HATE ME?
DAY 8: I’m in hell. No, seriously. Between this heat and people saying, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” and taking pictures of the thermostat on their car dashboard, I must be in hell.
DAY 9: Grocery shopping almost leads to a speeding ticket because I have to get home before the food that I bought melts in the car. I refuse to water the grass. Screw the flowers. In fact, screw nature.
DAY 10: The words “cold front” are used to describe something other than my mood and it’s finally in the low 80s. Relief might just be in sight, but my pants?
I make no promises there.
Before I go, two quick things. First, you have until Friday to enter my giveaway for $50 of cool Knock Knock stuff. Even if you don’t enter, the comments on that post are gold. You people are gold, I tell you!
Second, I’m honored to be part of another big HUGE giveaway with a bunch of other fabulous ladies.
As you can see, the loot includes six books, a gift card and other fancy (free) things. So in between sympathizing with me about the heat and entering my giveaway, head on over to Robyn’s at Hollow Tree Ventures and enter to win all the fabulous prizes.