Tag Archives: humor

Postage from PETA

To Whom it May Concern:

My name is Sunflower Smith and I am the communications liaison for PETA-People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I’m writing you today (on this 105-percent fair trade paper with an animal-free pencil I carved from repurposed oak that passed from natural causes) to express our collective opinion—no, our stance—that several common clichés be banned from the English language.

Why? Because of the cruelty towards animals that they reflect.

Language is a very powerful tool, and by suggesting that one “beats a dead horse” or that it’s “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey,” people are reinforcing barbaric behavior.

We have a comprehensive list we would like to submit. For example, “The early bird gets the worm.” Yes, the bird gets fresh food, but what no one talks about is what happens to the early worm. Death! That’s what happens to the worm!

I’ll shoot you that list via email next week.

But today I would like to use cats as our most pressing concern. Not only are they often mentioned being “on a hot tin roof”—disturbing for both the fact that they are roaming outdoors and that they’re being forced to endure harsh conditions—but they are also said to have “nine lives,” which we all know just isn’t the case.

However, the repetition of that phrase has led people to place felines in the linguistic lagoon of doom through a reinforced order of cliché operations, working under the assumption that they will survive.

Example A: “No room to swing a cat.” Why can’t you say, “No room to swing a toddler?” They like swinging much more than cats. Or just say that there’s not that much room? Exactly. Laziness.

Example B: “Let the cat out of the bag.” Why is the cat placed in a bag? Are there air holes? Death!

Example C: “Cat got your tongue?” Although we admire the tenacity of the cat in fighting back, we disagree with the notion that cats are violent creatures that seek physical revenge. They most likely would just choose to ignore you.

Example D: “More than one way to skin a cat.” I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Instead I’m choosing to use the phrase, “There is more than one way to brush a cat,” as you can do it the traditional way or you can directly apply the lint roller and cut out the middleman. No death! No hair! Win-win!

Example E: “Curiosity killed the cat.” So being inquisitive is a negative thing that should carry a warning of death? Without curiosity, we wouldn’t have new ideas or covers for electrical sockets! We prefer the phrase, “Curiosity enlightened the cat.”

You know what killed it? Putting it in a bag or swinging it around! (See above.)

So as you can see, these are just a few of our feline examples. Next we will have to address things like, “Killing two birds with one stone.” First of all, when in history was there an overabundance of birds and a shortage of stones? Second, death!

This is obviously a very pressing matter that requires your attention as soon as possible. Together we can reprogram the collective public belief that cruelty towards animals is okay when used to try and express a vapid human sentiment.

In other words, we can “teach an old dog new tricks.”*

Thank you for your time,

Sunflower

*We approve of this phase because it reflects our belief that canines exhibit the intellectual power to learn additional skills at an advanced age. While humans might not be as smart, we hope to at least shape the young minds of the future.

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More Headlines From My House

It’s been a few months since I’ve shared some headlines from my house, so I figured it was time for an update.

More Headlines From My House

Nemo Found. Dory Lost. Owners Banned from Owning More Pets

Evidence Suggests Hardest Part of Exercising in Morning for Most People is Not Telling Everyone They Worked Out in the Morning

Twitter Greatly Overestimates Woman’s Desire to Find New Friends

Driver Beeps Horn .03 seconds After Light Turns Green; Woman Shuts Off Car, Lies on Hood and Feeds Birds for an Hour

Motion Made to Rename Naps ‘Horizontal Life Pauses’

Personal Ad: The last two things I’ve spooned were a pillow and a jar of sunflower seed butter

Dora the Explorer to Explain How She Gets Shirt Over Her Giant Freak Head

Etiquette Tip: Use Phrase ‘Gender Reveal Party’ and not ‘Baby Sex Party’

Study Finds Only Thing Women Like More Than Target is Talking About Going to Target

College Graduate Observed Washing Lawn Gnome in Bird Bath; Neighbors Cease Questioning as to Single Status

Cantaloupes Resent Being Called ‘Just Negative Antelopes;’ Sue for Slander

Of Available Techniques for Safely Drinking Hot Tea, Waiting for it to Actually Cool Down Least Used

Woman, 32, Emotionally Unprepared When Last Bit of Food Eaten Without Realizing It

Poll: Bigger scam: Non-stick pans or no-scrub bathroom cleaner?

New Reality Show Created About Bored People Scrolling Meaningless Crap on Internet at Work Called ‘Relatable’

After Third Time Tripping Over Cat in Single Trip Across House, Owner Refuses to Fake Concern For Cat’s Wellbeing

Banana Pulled Off Bunch Feels ‘Ripped Viciously From Family’

Confirmed: Internet Connection Goes Out More Than I Do

Woman Turns on Oven. Hears Fire Truck in Background. Turns off oven. Reverts to Plan B

Editor Disappointed to Discover ‘Plastic Martini Glasses’ Drying in Office Bathroom are Actually Part of a Breast Pump

Most Underreported Form of Cyber Bullying Found to be Invitations to Play FarmVille on Facebook

After Reviewing Bank Statement, Writer Diagnosed with Earning Disability

Confirmed: No Good Way to Hurry Around Old Lady in Motorized Cart Without Looking Like You’re Racing Her

Creator of Pants Without Pockets Fails Performance Review

Broccoli Floret Fell Out of Shirt at Gym. Thinking of Becoming Motivational Speaker

Psychologists Conclude Burritos are “Just Shy Tacos with a Soft Side”

After Vacuuming, Couch Free of Cat Hair For Record 19 Seconds

‘Sense of Community’ Formed When Line of Cars Joins Up to Prevent Jerk from Cutting In at Front

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Your turn. Give me a headline from your house.

Judge Judy Meets Judy Garland

You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final. This is Judge Judy.

Bailiff Petri Hawkins-Byrd: We’re here today in the case of the “Wicked Witch of the West” vs. Dorothy Gale. Your honor, the parties have been sworn in. You may be seated.

JJ: Alright. Witchy here is suing Ms. Gale for a dog bite, the cost of a pair of ruby slippers that belonged to her sister who was “killed when Ms. Gale allegedly dropped a house on her” and pain and suffering. Ms. Gale has filed a counter claim for defamation and emotional distress. Begin.

WW: To start, I’m all but lame from the bite on my leg!

JJ: You mean Ms. Gale bit you?

WW: No, her dog.

JJ: She bit her dog?

WW: No! Her dog bit me!

JJ: (Sigh) I’m a very busy woman. Time is money and you’re practically robbing me blind. Have you ever heard that, ma’am? Well, neither have I. I just made it up. I’m going to put it on coffee mugs. Would you buy one, Byrd?

PHB: I most certainly would, judge. Hook a brother up.

JJ: (laughing) However, this is not “Let’s Make a Deal,” and I’m not Monty Hall Witchy! Get to the point of your story.

WW: First, Ms. Gale recklessly let her little mutt out and it bit me on my leg. Next, Ms. Gale’s house was dropped directly on top of my sister, and instead of going to the authorities, that witch stole the ruby slippers right off the feet of my sister before hopping in an air balloon and fleeing the scene.

JJ: You expect me to believe this young woman directed a house from the sky on top of your sister so she could snag a pair of shoes? Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting, ma’am.

WW: Ask that witch over there yourself! I have witnesses. They’re munchkins—excuse me, “little people”—and they couldn’t fit in the overhead compartments on the plane so they’re not here, but we can text them if we need to.

JJ: (Sigh) Ms. Gale, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

DG: Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy, from Kansas.

JJ: Okay, Dorothy, from Kansas. Did your dog bite Witchy over there?

DG: He might have nipped at her ankles, but only because she was threatening our lives! She was screaming, “Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?” I told her it was an accident. I didn’t mean to kill anybody. And she said, “Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too! Just try and stay out of my way. I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

JJ: You brought a witness?

DG: Yes, my friend the Scarecrow saw it all and was even threatened by the Witch as well.

WW: I object! That thing doesn’t even have a brain! Only straw!

JJ: (Looks at Scarecrow) How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?

SC: I don’t know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?

JJ: Yes. That’s true (looks over at the plaintiff and raises an eyebrow.) I’m going to put that one on a coffee mug, too. As for you, Scarecrow, I am not going to ask you to leave. But the next time you come into my courtroom, dress more appropriately. You are not going farming.

Did Witchy threaten Dorothy and defame her?

SC: Yes, yes your honor. And she threatened me with fire! And that she would stuff a mattress with me!

JJ: Witchy, you have failed to prove nothing more than you’re one drop away from a meltdown and I should sue you for emotional distress. Case dismissed.

WW: Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like her could destroy my beautiful wickedness?

JJ: Calm down, for heaven’s sake. Ms. Gale, I will award you the $500 you asked for and tell you to be a little more careful. Understand?

DG: Oh, yes ma’am. If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with. There’s no place like home.

JJ: What? What are you talking about? Just keep an eye on the company that you keep—and your little dog, too.

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A Missed Opportunity

Deep thought: What came first—the color orange or the fruit?

Did someone look at the fruit and think, “That’s the color orange, so we’ll just call in an orange!” and if it was unripe and green, it would have been called a green? Or were they like, “This fruit, an orange, is also a great name for a color—one that can be created by mixing red and yellow and that people will never be able to rhyme with?”

The same could be said for grapes and grapefruit.

Why is a grape a grape but then a grapefruit is a fruit that in no way resembles an actual grape in taste or aesthetic? Was the person who labeled something as “Ugli” fruit out of the office that day or what?

Sorry. I do have a point.

Obviously a cook cooks and a copy machine makes copies, but other descriptions aren’t quite as clear. There are some missed opportunities out there for classifications—ones that would make much more sense (I’m sure the male “ladybug” would agree.)


Aerobics Instructor = Cardio-logist

Stepdad = Faux Pas

“Step” anything just sounds weird, so I propose we call him a “faux pas.” It’s both descriptive and exotic because it’s French and anything French just sounds fancy.

Cubicle = Cuticle

The word “cubicle” conjures up unpleasant images of work and the word “cuticle” conjures up unpleasant images of those weird little pieces of skin on your fingers. I propose we change these things so “cuticle” represents a cutely decorated cubicle, enhancing the work situation (at least in descriptions.)

Stomach = Food processor

Cash = Pay-per

This only makes sense. What do you do with cash other than pay for things? Sure, you might fold a $1 bill into an origami football to flick back and forth once in awhile, but otherwise you’re “paying” for things. Ergo, “pay-per.”

Shampoo = Hair freshener

Auto Body Mechanics = Dent-ists

Hello? How was this not a thing? While they have many jobs not related to external maintenance, they often tend to car dents. Therefore, they are technically dent-ists. You’re welcome.

Astronomers = Skyintists

Chiropractors = Crack Dealers

I adore my chiropractor but feel a little funny saying I go to the chiropractor, only because it kind of sounds a) pretentious, although the visits are medically necessary and b) like a dinosaur, which sounds cool but then disappointing when it’s a doctor and not a dinosaur. Plus, saying I have a crack dealer gives me street cred as a skinny Polish white girl.

Shoes = Foot Lockers

Gynecologist = Privates Investigators

I’m not sure this one needs an explanation, but I feel the new title more accurately describes the duties of these medical miners.


Looking at the list I guess it could be a little weird if someone saw you had appointments for a privates investigator and a crack dealer on the same day, but that’s what creepy people—henceforth known as “creeples”—get for snooping.

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P.S. The winner of the giveaway was Leah. Thank you all for entering!

Headlines From My House

There’s nothing like an eye-catching headline to draw you into reading a news story, right? That’s why I’m providing you with some Headlines from my House.

However, no stories are attached, only because I don’t want to incite jealousy as to how absolutely exciting my life as a swinging single gal really is.

HEADLINE NEWS

Plot to Kill Spider with Foot Foiled by Thought of Spider Guts on Foot

Brilliant Editorial Composed in Shower Vanishes Upon Turning Off Water

Glasses Thought to be Lost Found Safely on Owner’s Head

Poll Reveals Advice from Ozzy Osbourne More Reliable than from Dr. Oz

Citizen’s Arrest Nabs Perp Using “flusterated” in a Sentence

Brain of Woman Wearing OveGlove Divorces Her After She Grabs Pan with Hand Not Wearing OveGlove… Again

Creature Under Birdfeeder Thought to be Rabid Badger Revealed to be Overfed Rabbit

Campaign to Launch Acronym for ‘So Happy It’s Thursday’ Losing Momentum

Mensa Letter ‘Lost in Mail’ After Woman Finds Keys in Freezer

Study Confirms 12 Years of Life Spent Looking for Matching Tupperware Lids

Final Jeopardy Question Answered Correctly; No Witnesses

Fashion Police Arrest Woman Found on Couch, in Pajamas, Eating Garlic Hummus on Friday Night

Decapitated Cat Toy Found Behind Couch; No Plans to Remove Body

Stepdad Contracts Flu. Mom Requests 6-pack to Help Deal with Stepdad Afflicted with “Man Flu”

Owner in Contract Discussions with Dustbuster in Effort to Improve Performance

Michigan Woman, 31, Cites ‘I have to shovel again’ as Reason for Insanity. Judge Accepts Plea

Bird Found Eating Worm in the Afternoon; Myth Busted

Wanted: Body Double to Stand in at Work; Must Resemble 12-year-old-boy and Excel at Feigning Enthusiasm and Productivity

Rug Burn on Elbows Healing Nicely Week After Diving Behind Couch Upon Hearing Doorbell

Missed Connections: You had snacks

After Unsuccessful Attempts at “Tear here,” Bag of Steamable Vegetables Slated to be Opened with Teeth

Planned Productivity Delayed Due to ‘Joan and Melissa’ Marathon

Rare Triple Axel Performed After Tripping Over Cat; Cat Not Impressed

SWF Seeks Anything to Love as Much as She Loves Pesto

After Witnessing Large Number of Adults Failing to Follow Directions, Kids Given More Credit

Squirrels Picket Outside House; Demand Variety in Local Seed Offerings

Shopper Leaves Target Having Spent Less than $20; Parade Thrown in Her Honor

Writer Attempts Humor with Blog Post; Pulitzer Prize Safe for Now

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Your turn. Give me a Headline from your House.

Shocking Plot Twists!

While I love my routines, I hate predictability when it comes to the storylines in books, TV shows and movies. If I can figure out what’s going to happen five minutes in, you’ve lost me.

So I present to you a more realistic view of some stories you might have been told.

Shocking Plot Twists and Untold Stories, Revealed!

Belle (Beauty) and the Beast split up shortly after they realize they don’t have any dishes or household products that actually work. If you will recall, theirs spend a majority of the time singing and dancing.

While entertaining at first, it soon became evident that a talking candlestick and chipped, chatty tea cup don’t do much more than provide an audience for the newlyweds as they argue about hair in the sink and the fact that Belle’s dad won’t move out.


With Yogi taking the role of the friendly picnic basket thief, Smokey the Bear was discovered to actually be the one starting a majority of forest fires. In an attempt to maintain job security, Smokey apparently felt his only inroad to fame was deceit and a penchant for arson.


If you give a mouse a cookie, he will not ask for a glass of milk, want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn’t have a milk mustache, etc. like the story would have you believe. Instead he will try and take residence up in the pantry, crap all over and fall victim to an edible eviction at the hands of a domestic feline who can sniff out fear and fur.


As it turns out, the beautiful Rapunzel doesn’t let her hair down just for any man—she lets it down for every man. After leading the love-struck fools into her web of hair extensions and thinly-spread lies for too long, friends and family stage an intervention. However, Rapunzel instead decides to cut off her hair, sell it on eBay and try out for “The Bachelor.”


CSI Episode: No one is killed. The detectives hang in the office and play Bananagrams.


Philosophical differences between neighbors Johnny Appleseed, a kind soul who loves to plant apple trees and protect them from harm, and Paul Bunyan, a testosterone egomaniac who cuts down the trees with one swoop of his axe, land these two on Judge Judy.

It gets dirty. Johnny brings up how Paul never picks up the literal bull shit that Babe the Blue Ox leaves around. Paul counters with an argument about property lines and the tree that is actually his. Judge Judy sighs, rolls her eyes and rules in favor of Johnny because Paul wore jeans into court. Her ruling is final.


After hearing about Snow White’s brush with a necrophilia-driven Prince, an evil Queen and a life filled with cooking, cleaning and keeping house for seven “little people” while they mine for jewels and go out at night, TLC offers Snow White her own reality show.

The only requirement is that she incorporate the dwarfs and cupcakes somehow to appeal to their core demographic. She accepts and “Good Things Come in Small Packages” is a huge hit.


The Little Engine that Could, best known for optimistically chanting, “I think I can, I think I can,” could overcome every seemingly impossible task except being cited for EPA clean air violations. He thought he could, but he can’t—until he cleans up his act.


We’ll end with the first story told—Adam and Eve. However, in this instance Eve says she can’t eat the apple because there’s no proof that it’s 100 percent non-GMO organic. Adam, annoyed and exasperated with Eve—but more importantly, ravenously hungry—grabs the apple, his junk behind the strategically-placed fig leaf and chows down.

I think we know how this ends.

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A Dozen Delusions

It’s very important to be honest, but we all have those little things we tell ourselves that we know probably aren’t completely accurate. I hesitate to call them “lies,” as that implies some sort of deliberate manipulation, so perhaps calling them “delusions of grandeur” would be a bit more accurate.

With that said, I have included short list of the things I tell myself without entirely believing.

A Dozen Delusions

1. I don’t need to write something down because I’ll remember it. Despite the fact I don’t have solid evidence to back this one up, I continue to employ this philosophy. So mental note—real notes work better.

2. Pushing the pedestrian crossing button at crosswalks actually makes the light change quicker. Is it magic that the little white person on the light appears 10-20 seconds after I push it or simply coincidence? I also tell my self I won’t actually say “Ped Xing”— as in “ped exing” and not “pedestrian crossing”— out loud, but I do.

pedestrian_crossing_sign_l

Why doesn’t he have any feet?

3. That I’ll be able to put a key on a key ring in less then 10 minutes. I don’t believe this is humanly possible without the use of heavy machinery, yet I still wrestle with the damn things each time.

4. When going to Target, I tell myself I only need one or two things and to act in a civilized manner. Yet a few minutes into my jaunt I more closely resemble a skinny Tasmanian devil who forgot to write down what she needs—see point No. 1—and walks out with a bag full of “prizes.”

5. That I can discreetly manipulate two grocery carts that are stuck together, after which point I will be rewarded with a perfectly functional cart for my shopping. However, 99.99 percent of the time, I end up going Hulk on the metal pieces of shit, violently ripping them apart and being left with one that has a wonky wheel that veers into displays.

6. That faking my own death is an overly dramatic reaction to being asked to attend a webinar or fold laundry.

7. When my phone cuts out, I tell myself to wait a few minutes and let the other person call back. However, I get impatient and am the best at playing the “let’s keep calling each other at the same time so it goes straight to voicemail” game. Solution? Avoid the phone.

8. That turning up the radio in my Blazer so I can’t hear any weird noise that it’s making means there’s nothing wrong with my Blazer.

9. Because I feed the squirrels and birds in my yard, I would like to believe they respect me as a neurotic Dr. Doolittle of sorts. But with each acorn that lands on my head by the feeder and each bird gang bang performed in the bird bath, this mutual respect is called into question.

10. That if SpongeBob Squarepants–a freaking sponge–can find pants that fit, I can find a pair of “real” pants that aren’t uncomfortable. Actually, I don’t think I believe this myself anymore and should probably remove it from the list. Let’s move on—in workout pants.

11. I clean my floors simply to keep things nice and not because I inevitably drop food every day. Also, that I can stand next to the toaster, anticipating toast, and not jump every time the toast is popped up.

12. That the fact people found my blog with “snowman in a thong and sombrero,” “elderly squirrel Fight Club” and “mosquito boobs”—that one stings— is cancelled out by whoever found it with “Please. Like you’ve never Febreezed grandma.”

Your turn. What delusions of grandeur can you share with the class?

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