Tag Archives: humor

This Post Is Completely Awkward

Ironically, even spelling the word “awkward” is, well, awkward. It’s just one of the small annoyingly awkward things that we’ve all faced at some point in time—usually multiple times throughout a day.

They’re unavoidable. They’re consistently awkward. They’re part of everyday life. And fortunately—unfortunately?—we can all relate…awkwardly.

hello

Bumping into someone at the grocery store and saying goodbye, only to see them in every single aisle after that.

Passing a slow driver and then getting stuck next to them at a red light where you have to pretend to busy yourself and avoid awkward eye contact.

When someone catches you accidentally staring at them…twice.

Watching a movie rated anything above PG with people you’re not that familiar with and having a steamy scene last a little too long.

When you see someone waving and think its directed to you and begin to wave back just to learn it was meant for the person behind you.

Giving an automatic reply, such as “You, too,” “Love ya, “ etc. in situations where it absolutely makes no sense.

Trying to hurry up and put your change back in your wallet while people are waiting in line behind you.

Having to go around the room and say something random about yourself while everyone sits there staring pretending to care.

Pushing on a pull door. There is always a witness.

When the dental hygienist continues to make small talk that you can’t reply to because her hand is stuffed in your mouth.

Crafting the perfect voicemail and then having someone actually pick up the phone.

When people show you a picture of a wrinkly newborn and they’re like, “Isn’t she/he cute?!?”

Putting a dirty plate in the sink when someone is doing the dishes.

When you run into someone you should probably acknowledge and talk to, but they’re talking to someone else and you have to stand there waiting for them to finish.

Thinking there is one more step than there is and taking a giant awkward step/fall over seemingly nothing.

Walking down a hallway, an aisle, etc.—and someone you know is coming towards you, but you don’t want to make eye contact too soon. But you don’t want to miss that window, so you look at them , quickly look away, then look up again a second later.

Being with a group of people or in a quiet room, taking a drink of water, and having it go down the wrong pipe causing you to launch into a spastic coughing fit.

Trying to walk past someone on a motorized scooter without looking like you’re trying to race them.

When something you’re wearing or sitting on makes a noise that sounds like it could’ve been a fart and then trying to cover it up so everyone knows it wasn’t a fart.

Being stuck in the break room with a coworker you don’t know that well and forcing small talk while you wait to use the microwave.

Talking on the phone and interrupting each other over and over, eventually ending up with dead air, and “no, you go ahead” back and forth.

Accidentally walking into the wrong bathroom, or walking into the right one and making incidental eye contact with someone through the crack of the stall door.

Asking a question, ignoring the answer and being too ashamed to ask again because they’ll know you weren’t paying attention the first time.

Running into someone you’ve met a few times, having them call you by name, and having no clue what their name is.

Making eye contact with the store employee while trying to refold a shirt and put it back on the shelf.

Standing there on the other end of the leash while you wait for your dog to do his “business,” and then waving at someone with the plastic bag full of dog poop in your hand.

Being left alone with a person you kind of know yet have no interest in getting to know better while the third mutual friend steps out of the room.

The complex decision-making process of figuring out the right time to go into the revolving door, and if there’s time to go in there with someone or wait it out.

Having the toilet clog or not flush anywhere other than at your own house and being forced to let someone know.

Say goodbye to somebody and then realizing that you’re both walking the same way at the same pace.

Going into a store and deciding not to buy anything and being paranoid the staff thinks you’re shoplifting.

What would you add to the list?

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P.S. For some reason the text with this post runs over onto the images on the right for a few people. I don’t know why because I’m not a freaking genius. However, I’ve found if you refresh the page, that weirdness goes away–not the weirdness of the post, but of the spacing. 

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What Confucius Would Say Today

If pressed to give an answer, I would have to say that Confucius is my favorite Chinese philosopher whose name sounds like my constant mental state and who also has a bunch of funny parody quotes attributed to his name.

For example, “Man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levels” or “Man who stands on toilet high on pot.”

Anyway, I sure he would be thrilled to be a thread on Reddit or a meme sensation right alongside Grumpy Cat and “Keep Calm and Confucius On” if he was alive today.

But I have to think that if he was around today, there might be a little bit different meaning and motivation behind the quotes he did actually write. So the editor in me took the liberty to “modernize” them as if he was writing them today.

Plus, who knows? Maybe he was initially misquoted. I think that happens on the Internet once in awhile.

Then: “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” 
Now: I changed my mind. The exception to this rule is clearly illustrated below.

motive

Then: “Mens’ natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart.” 
Now: For example, you can tell just by talking to some people that they lift up the car door handle every time that you go to unlock it.

Then: “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” 
Now: Spoiler alert! Apparently you can’t just go and pull up to a drive-thru pharmacy and order what you want, so that’s a bit disappointing.

Then: “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” 
Now: And if that fall happens to be off the treadmill in front of a crowd, simply start kickboxing like a manic Jackie Chan as if it’s part of your fitness routine. No one will mess with that crazy.

Then: “If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake.” 
Now: Actually, don’t bother because people on the Internet will let you know your mistakes in .02 seconds.

Then: “The cautious seldom err.”
Now: Which is why I dive behind my couch when someone pulls into my driveway like I’m hiding out from the mob or entered in the Witness Protection Program.

Then: “He who knows all the answers has not been asked all the questions.” 
Now: Such as, “Why is the meaning of life” “Why are we here on this planet?” “What is a Nicki Minaj and is it contagious?”

Then: “Silence is a true friend who never betrays.” 
Now: By “silence,” I now mean “pizza.” Pizza is a true friend who never betrays, except when the directions instruct you to place the pizza directly on the oven rack. That means you cook for 13 minutes, and spend a week cleaning the crap off of the oven.

Then : “You cannot open a book without learning something.” 
Now: Let’s be clear about the word “book.” Some people need to pick up a real dictionary, not Urban Dictionary.

Then: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” 
Now: I should add that now, “I have a wonderful vocabulary of words I can only use when I write, simply because I don’t know how to pronounce them.”

Then: “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.”
Now: I actually never finished this one. It should have said, “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change their shirt if they’re fairly certain no one saw them wearing it the day before.”

Then: “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” 
Now: I would like to redact this one completely, as I’ve just returned from Walmart on a Saturday and now I stand corrected.

walmart

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Wanted: Professional Chair Model

I won’t get into the depressing part of unemployment at this point—that can be a different post—because today I’m feeling pretty optimistic after finding this ad on our local Craig’s List page.

Yes, I know that I was burned the last time I found the “perfect” job for me—the naked sushi model gig—because I never heard back, but this time around I think I stand a much better chance.

WANTED- PROFESSIONALCHAIR MODEL

 Actual chair picture from the ad. So fancy!

Even though the editor in me was twitchy with the grammatical errors, I’m reprinting it below as it appears to maintain authenticity.

Wanted: Professional or amateur chair model. Successful candidate should be comfortable remaining seated for extended periods of time, while exuding the confidence of one who could handle a store well if need, run a place, give meetings, answer phones, help guests, be a personal assistant, and so on. Would prefer someone who is a verity a place, and has a long job history. Please be one who both does not do bad, and desires to learn a lot. 

Sound like you? Ready to sit down and start a new career today? Contact us right away.*

*Successful candidate should not be allergic to gluten, other allergens, or wasp stings.

While the chair didn’t look quite as comfortable as a chair that I might have picked out, I still decided to throw my hat into the ring. Or rather, my ass into the seat.

Hello!

I came across your ad on Craig’s List while sitting on my couch, which I believe demonstrates my ability to multi-task in that I was both sitting and using a computer simultaneously. While I’m technically still waiting to achieve “professional” chair model status, I do have more than 33 years of experience sitting on couches and chairs.

And not to brag, but I was recently named Couch CEO at Casa de Abby (business cards are in the works.)

At any rate, I exude not just the aroma of garlic, but also the confidence of one who could handle any situation—running a store, answering phones, helping guests—all while sitting in a chair. Seriously. Put me in a chair and prepare to be amazed. In fact, if the position required it I would be willing to also venture into consuming food and beverages while remaining dedicated to the professional posterior positioning.

Speaking of food, I am not allergic to gluten–as you mentioned in the ad–so that shouldn’t be an issue. However, even though I’m not allergic to wasp stings, I don’t particularly enjoy them. Should this be a concern for me in that you’re planning on placing said chair in the middle of wasp-infested environments?

I’m not saying that’s a deal-breaker, but I would require a beekeepers outfit for that. I’m sure that you understand why.

Anyway, I don’t know what “verity a job place is,” but as you request in the end of your ad, I’m someone who “both does not do bad, and desires to learn a lot.” In other words, you’re sitting on a goldmine with me here, my friends! Let’s pull up a chair—ha! See what I did there?—and talk about when we can start.

Thank you so much for your time,

Abby

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P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

I Love Not Camping

I originally published this a couple of years ago, but seeing as it’s almost “camping season” and no one is on the Internet this holiday weekend, it’s worth a rerun.

Spring has sprung, which means many people will be packing up to go camping in the coming weeks. I will not be one of them, as I do not camp.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the outdoors and worship the sun and nature. And while I’m not high-maintenance, I don’t find appeal in sleeping on the ground in a tent pretending I’m homeless.

But despite the tent aversion, I do have a bit of camping experience.

When I was younger we had a trailer up north that we spent a good deal of time at in the summer. It was a decent sized rig with a shower, small kitchen, deck, etc., but it was still a trailer.

I fished, shot my bow and arrow (not at anything living, at least not on purpose,) tore around on the 4-wheeler and hit the lake with the inflatable alligator before coming back to nighttime campfires, Cribbage games and attempts to attract bats by throwing random crap up in the air by the park lights.

I was young, and other than the fact that I rolled out of the top bunk of triple bunk beds—a bed rail was quickly installed—I had no real complaints. Now that I’m older and (questionably) wiser, I would have many complaints, which is why I don’t even attempt to pretend to want to camp.

Why someone would want to leave indoor plumbing and decent food and increase the likelihood of contracting mosquito malaria, dirt-covered food and being attacked by a baby deer in the woods is beyond me.*

*Of course, to each their own (disclaimer so campers don’t get pissed, although if they’re camping, they shouldn’t have access to Wi-Fi.)

But for those who enjoy camping and would like to recreate this experience at home, I have a few suggestions:

  • Hang your clothes over a wood fire to get that signature smell, the one that will hopefully cover up the other signature smell of musty dampness.
  • While you’re over the fire, singe your eyelashes and grab a hot poker to recreate the experience of starting the fire and attempting to roast anything with a metal stick.
  • Scald the skin on the roof of your mouth in an attempt to eat whatever it is you were trying to roast that didn’t fall into the flame.
  • Hover—a lot—and get used to swatting bugs with one hand while wiping with the other. This takes skill, which is why you will most likely find yourself pissing on your own leg (hey, you wanted to go camping.)
  • Pour sand directly into the bottom of your bathing suit and any exposed crack or opening in your body. If a lake is nearby, also include seaweed.
  • If you feel like getting fancy, spray yourself with a water bottle to recreate the (lack of) water pressure trailer showers provide. Forget about washing your hair (this is actually a positive in my book.)
  • Plant families of the loudest bugs on the planet in your backyard directly next to your window. If available, add in the mating calls of mystery creatures you’re sure are rabid and hunting you down.
  • Roll your meals in damp dirt.
  • Roll your clothes in damp dirt.
  • Roll yourself in damp dirt.

So for those of you starting your camping season soon, may the force be with you. I plan on working in the yard a bit, reading and enjoying the luxury of warm showers, good food I didn’t have to catch and a few good baseball games.

I love not camping.

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Different Soaks for Different Folks

Some of you faithful readers might remember that last year I applied to a local Craigslist ad to be a naked sushi model.

I was hesitant at first, but the fact that they offered to cover my “goodies” with bamboo was a nice gesture. And what really sold me was that not only did the ad say it would be “awesome,” but heck! I could take the leftover sushi home with me!

Unfortunately, I never heard back and my dreams were dashed with sushi silence.

However, my friend Cadry alerted me to a listing in New Yorkunder “talent gigs,” no less— that has been floating around the Internet. Since the whole “being naked and used as a table” thing didn’t work out, I decided to give it a shot.

(Reprinted exactly as listed, despite grammatical errors and lack of punctuation that make me twitchy. But again, with fate one can’t be picky!)

I will pay you $175 to sit in my bath tub full of ramen noodles wearing a bathing suit

I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

I will give you the keys while we meet, and you will go to my apartment thereafter.

It will require a 30 minute soak.

The noodles will be cooked and therefore slippery.

Do not bring any sauce. I will season the sauce after I get home prior to dinner.

Again, I was a bit hesitant when I first read this and had some concerns. However, it is a $175 paycheck—or cash, I would assume—and I wouldn’t even have to taste good, per se. As the ad notes, the poster would season the sauce himself prior to dinner.

So I applied with a few requests of my own to throw my hat into the ring—or the bathtub, so to speak.

To whom it may concern:

I am applying for the position of bathing beauty/soaking seasoning that you have listed on Craigslist. While bathing in a tub of noodles is a rather unusual employment opportunity, I’m excited to explore the “pastabilities!”

(See what I did there? Dinner and a show!)

Anyway, the gig sounds clear enough, but there are a few questions I have and so I did a little research.

What I found out is that if one were to eat ramen every day for one year for three meals a day, it would amount to a mere $142 (and severe hypertension.)

Given that you are willing to offer $175 for one tub of slippery, unsauced noodles leads me to believe that you are one classy dude and totally aren’t plotting to murder me and cook my body in the broth!

But there is a little concern on my end as to what I am supposed to do for 30 minutes alone wearing a bathing suit in a strange person’s tub of noodles. Do you have a DVD player? Wi-fi? Maybe a crossword puzzle or two?

Second, what flavor noodles will I be soaking in and what kind of sauce will you be adding post-soak? I realize this might not be relevant, but even though I’ve never eaten them I‘ve been told that most taste like loneliness and poverty.

I have my pride and am a vegan, so I would prefer that a “classy” flavor be selected. Something like mushroom, perhaps?

At any rate, I think this will be beneficial for both of us. You get your female flavoring and due to the artificial ingredients and shit ton of salt in the ramen, my skin will stay preserved for the next 50 years.

It’s a bit odd, but as they say, different soaks for different folks!

Thanks so much and I hope to hear from you soon.

Abby

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Pulling Back the Curtain

I had two different posts written—a semi-funny one I’ll put up next (when there are more than five people on the Internet) and one of those personal ones that leaves me twitchy with my finger on the “delete” button—but I trashed the serious one.

Then I started to wonder why, if that’s how I was feeling, I wanted to push it away.

Part of it is that I like to keep things light here, another part is that some things are best kept offline, but yet another part is that it might change how you look at me. It’s easy to make fun of myself about certain things, but it’s not easy to truly make myself vulnerable. And so I often slightly hide the truth, internalize any issues and avoid feeling anything slightly uncomfortable.

How’s that working out for me, eh?

So I decided to write about that because I think we all use this trick from time to time, telling people what we think they want to hear, maybe saying we’re “fine” when in fact we’re a little bit (or a lot) less.

I admit it’s not always easy to do. There are times I feel like not sharing more crap gives off the air that I’m always okay. Since part of me wants to believe that that’s true, it feels like this act never stops.

Keep smiling, keep the messy stuff all to yourself.

But there are times this seemingly harmless omission starts to eat away at me, and it’s those times I wonder how many other people write posts they don’t publish, delete all the stuff that might blur up the lines between how they are and how they wish they could be.

We all know why we do this, of course.

We’ve heard the importance to put on a brave face, project unicorns and glitter and “fake it ‘til you make it!” I’m sure that works for some people, but for everyone out there who’s struggling, watching others do only that just adds to their feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt. For many, watching others just hurts and adds to the need to hide out.

Of course we can’t change what other people do or how others perceive us. The crafting of a perfect persona is part of our culture now — online and off — whether we like it or not (and I choose the latter.) I know I have to balance between honesty and oversharing, between personal and professional.

Because regardless of whether it’s honest or not, what you put out there is you—for better or worse.

But it’s unrealistic to think you can be happy all of the time. That would be weird and unnatural, like how people’s faces vibrate when they try and hold in a yawn. (Just let it go, people.)

And even though many of us have good lives and good opportunities, normal life isn’t easy for anyone—even those without depression or “issues” they face.

But I can tell you that if you decide to share a bit of the muck, to let the curtains peek open a crack when you crave the light most, the people you need in your life won’t reject you. They support. They entertain. They listen. They can talk you off the ledge that you’re on, knowing they’ve stood there before.

It’s more about trusting yourself.

So I’m still not sure that I’ll publish that “serious” post, but it’s not because I’m ashamed. I just have other, funnier things that I want to share. But I know that when the time feels right, I’ll pull back the curtain again.

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The 5 Stages of Writer’s Block

As any writer can attest, getting on a creative roll is one of the best feelings in the world. When I want to, it’s easy. When I have to, it’s hard. And those times when I’m suddenly faced with the fact that the writing well is dry, I become even more moody and broody.

So today I’m going to turn the tables on that textual dysfunction and write about writer’s block instead.

DENIAL

During the first stage of writer’s block I can still pretend nothing is wrong and rationalize that I write for work, no one really cares if I blog or not and that I just posted a couple of days ago. And after all, it’s possible that a bird might fly into my head and then BAM! Instant blog post. No need to worry.

But after a couple days without writing, the denial really starts to kick in. Someone will be talking to me and I’ll be thinking about how I wish a bird would fly into their head so that BAM! Instant blog post. But when that doesn’t happen, I can no longer deny and I move onto the next stage.

ANGER

Here I spend time pacing and blaming any small interruption for my failure to even produce as much as an account of going to the ATM. I get annoyed with people who can write funny posts and wonder why the cat purrs so damn loud.

But anger takes a lot of energy I would rather channel into navel gazing, so I move on to the next lovely stage.

BARGAINING

Sometimes it’s not that I don’t have anything I could write, it’s that I don’t like anything that I write. I’ll sit in front of my blank screen and think, “Oh, hell. Maybe I can just write something short or do a picture post with some jokes thrown in for fun. Just getting down notes is a start.”

But then I remember I don’t have pictures and the only thing I’ve written is a to-do list that says, “write something.” So no matter how simple the writing goal, my bargaining will fail. There is no bargaining with writer’s block here, which brings us to the next stage.

DEPRESSION

Convinced that I will NEVER WRITE ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, I crash on the couch watching TV while taking shots of garlic hummus. In my mind, I relive all of the good times I had writing. I think of the people who told me that something I’ve written made them laugh or changed the way they thought about something—all five people.

Now with my writing days behind me, I am left with a couple books and hundreds of blog posts to my name. Some day, years from now, I will pull up my dusty blog and show the cat how I misspent my late ’20s and early ’30s.

ACCEPTANCE

Now that I know I’ll NEVER WRITE ANYTHING AGAIN, I wonder what I’ll do with the rest of my life. I start by doing activities I enjoy—Swiffering, feeding my feelings, exercising and watching videos of skateboarding hedgehogs.

I go online and do a Google search to learn how to teach a hedgehog to ride a skateboard. After all, I’ll probably be doing a lot of that now that I’LL NEVER WRITE ANYTHING AGAIN.

But then the new non-writing me has one of those rational thoughts that I’ve heard so much about and decides to give writing a shot once again. After all, if a hedgehog can ride a damn skateboard, I can write a damn post.

Bring me my cape and my keyboard.

There is work that needs to be done. 

(And we circle back to denial…)

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