Tag Archives: Hollow Tree Ventures

Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures Has Issues

Today I’m excited to introduce a new weekly feature here on the blog. After all, as much as I delight in entertaining my dozens of readers with posts serenading asparagus or letters to my yoga pants, it doesn’t always have to be ALL ABOUT ME.

Well, it kind of does but that’s not the point.

The point is that I also love the bloggers I’ve met and want everyone else to think they like me as much as I like them. That’s why I’m starting a weekly feature—(Insert name here) Has Issues—where I ask interesting people the same questions each week and share their awesomeness with you.

For example, when I get Tina Fey to do it, it would say “Tina Fey Has Issues” and then I would ask her questions about her writing, embarrassing moments, food and why she issued that restraining order against me.

That way my readers can meet someone new or learn something about people they know and I have a fun post to publish in between my own ramblings about washing a yard gnome in my bird bath.

Plus, I’m nosy and like to know ALL the things.

So without further ado, here’s Robyn!

Name: Robyn Welling Esquire, III

Blog : Hollow Tree Ventures

Where, what and why do you write?

I write humor at my house while wearing socks because my feet are cold, which I thought I’d throw in there even though you didn’t ask what I was wearing. I put the stuff I write on the Internet, either on my blog or on the website of the highest bidder (and/or the blogs of dear, dear friends). Right now I’m most often found on NickMom and CraftFail, but I also write for LifetimeMoms and In The Powder Room, and I have a woefully neglected Huffington Post blog. I write out of a continued amazement that people sometimes think I’m funny, and because I like food and indoor plumbing.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!? Oh, I could sleep for another two hours? Well, now that I’ve had a panic attack, I might as well get up.

What’s the one “issue” annoying you right now?

That I’m tired. I know, that’s so boring – I’m pretty sure a good two-thirds of the Internet is dedicated to people talking about how tired they are. But seriously. I need a nap.

Three websites you visit every day.

Mine. Mine again to fix a typo. Then mine a third time to pad my page views.

What’s an unusual talent you could never put on a resume?

I’m double jointed. I actually had to quit playing the clarinet because my fingers would get stuck on a note and I wouldn’t be able to bend them! Wait, that’s the opposite of an accomplishment.

Favorite place to be?

At home. Which is a good thing because that’s the only place I ever am.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

It would take me ALL DAY just trying to fix the other drivers. TURN SIGNALS, PEOPLE. It’s not rocket science.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

This is the part where I have to say, “I don’t know because we don’t watch TV” and sound like one of those jerky new-age Gwyneth types who doesn’t believe in technology and only keeps an old cathode ray tube television in the living room for ironic hipster-related reasons. What it really means is that we’re too poor for cable, and local TV is too boring to watch. (Also, since I don’t watch TV I’m not 100 percent sure the cultural references I used in this paragraph make any sense.)

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Hmm, the best thing would have to be all fresh fruit. My kids seem to really be into nourishment, and they ALWAYS ask for fruit from the store. That’s not a humble brag, that’s just facts right there. The worst thing in my fridge would be all the fruit that’s gone bad, because my kids are always more interested in eating fruit when I’m making the grocery list than they are later when it’s time to eat it.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Least offensive/almost slightly endearing or at least not completely annoying neurosis: I am absolutely unable to open a straw without tying the paper wrapper in a knot and pulling the ends to see if it comes untied. I’ve tried to force myself to just throw the wrapper away without doing the knot thing, but I can’t. I get this odd feeling that something terrible will happen, and even though I know that’s completely ridiculous, I figure there’s no harm in being just a teeny bit crazy.


See? She’s hilarious—and brave for being the first person I’m featuring on here. Who will it be next Friday? You’ll just have to wait and see (call me, Tina.)

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Hot and Bothered

We’re in the middle of a heat wave in my area, which by definition means a week of temperatures above 90 degrees with humidity, no rain and a plethora of manic meteorologists taking delight in telling viewers the weather is miserable while they sit inside their air conditioned studios.

I only have one window AC unit, and while I hate feeling absolutely frozen and trudging through snow, I dislike extreme heat even more.

I guess I hate feeling cold and I hate feeling hot—so basically I just hate feeling.

Anyway, my brain is also fried for various reasons—all perfectly legal, mind you—and so this rant will serve double-duty. Like they say, when life hands you lemons, stick them in your bra so people believe you when you complain about boob sweat.

Hot and Bothered

DAY 1. What beautiful weather! Days like these are what get me through the long stretches of winter when I’m stuck scraping ice off my car. Well, minus this humidity. It’s getting a little bit thick.

DAY 2: It’s really heating up out there and no rain is predicted for days, so I should go out and water. However, it’s still nice to sleep with the windows open despite what sounds like a drunken domestic between chipmunks outside.

DAY 3: This isn’t fun anymore. The thermostat in my living room has reached 84 degrees and the birdbath has become a hot tub for small woodland creatures. I can’t crank up the pitiful AC unit even more. I should probably water. Again.

DAY 4: It’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. That is, if you’re into eating chicken excretions off of dirty pavement. Molesting my AC unit is starting to feel a bit awkward, but at least I have an excuse to not wash my hair and run around the house without pants. Considering renting out living room as Bikram yoga studio.

DAY 5: Up at 3 a.m. to go for a walk and mow the grass because it’s already 112 degrees by 6 a.m. Screw it. The grass isn’t growing anyway and if it spontaneously combusts, there’s a chance a hot firefighter will be called to the scene.

DAY 6: GOOD LORD, IT FEELS LIKE AN OVEN. The 5-foot walk from my door to the car soaks me in sweat and my yard is starting to turn brown. I should water. I should straddle the sprinkler and ignore all those looks from the neighbors. I should move to Alaska.

DAY 7: Still sweating. Still bitter. The trash in the garage smells like decaying rats and all I’ve put out there is an empty almond milk container and paper towel tube. WHY DOES MOTHER NATURE HATE ME?

DAY 8: I’m in hell. No, seriously. Between this heat and people saying, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” and taking pictures of the thermostat on their car dashboard, I must be in hell.

DAY 9: Grocery shopping almost leads to a speeding ticket because I have to get home before the food that I bought melts in the car. I refuse to water the grass. Screw the flowers. In fact, screw nature.

DAY 10: The words “cold front” are used to describe something other than my mood and it’s finally in the low 80s. Relief might just be in sight, but my pants?

I make no promises there. 


Before I go, two  quick things. First, you have until Friday to enter my giveaway for $50 of cool Knock Knock stuff. Even if you don’t enter, the comments on that post are gold. You people are gold, I tell you!

Second, I’m honored to be part of another big HUGE giveaway with a bunch of other fabulous ladies.

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As you can see, the loot includes six books, a gift card and other fancy (free) things. So in between sympathizing with me about the heat and entering my giveaway, head on over to Robyn’s at Hollow Tree Ventures and enter to win all the fabulous prizes.

Stay cool!