Tag Archives: giveaway

Simon Holland Has Issues & a Giveaway!

To all of you who resolved to spend less time on the Internet for the New Year, I would like to welcome you back.

In honor of your return, this week I’m featuring a blogger that I actually “met” on Twitter a few months ago. He’s hilarious—yes, another guy on the blog!—and along with blogging, he’s a contributor to the very funny “The Big Book of Parenting Tweets” along with a bunch of other entertaining people (giveaway at the end of this post.)

But before you go check out the book, Simon Says read the post below and show him some love in a non-creepy, no-touchy way.

Simon

Name: Simon Holland

Blog: Sweetandweak.com

 Where, what and why do you write?

I usually write from my office at home and I like to write about things that I find funny, most of this tends to be observations of every day family life. I write to share something that I think will entertain someone. I’d like to be one of the people that has to write because their creativity is bursting at the seams and they need to let it loose, but for me it is more about wanting to tell a joke or a funny story and needing someone to listen and pretend that they think what I am saying has value. Ha Ha.

 First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

Muttered profanity and the snooze button. Is there any other thought that real live people have when they wake up? I like to think I am more the rule than the exception on this one.

 What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Is there anything worse than gift bags? I mean seriously, there is a certain unabashed joy that you experience when you tear the wrapping paper off of a present to reveal your prize. Gift bags steal all of that. They ruin Christmas and they ruin birthdays. If anyone out there is thinking about giving me a present and putting it in a gift bag, just tape $3 to the gift. Trust me, I will appreciate that way more than a bag with some tissue paper in it.

Editor’s note: Yes, actually. I dated a guy once that actually had a wood box built to put my gift in and then screwed the whole damn thing shut. He is no longer around.

 Three websites you visit every day.

Twitter

Reddit

Would Netflix still be considered a website? If so, that is my answer. If not, probably a website about karate or lasers or sports cars or some other stuff that would make me seem less lame than I am.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Probably that days now last forever. This is kind of like wishing for more wishes, but let’s be honest.  One day is not enough time to rule the land. I would first make days last for the rest of time and then probably make someone bring me Skittles.

You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

Tacos. Tacos. Tacos

Don’t mess with perfection. Tacos are proof that there is a God that loves us.

 You’re pretty much a Twitter rock star. What are your three “best” tweets?

Wow, I don’t know if I can be the judge of what is best, but here are three that I don’t hate.

“My wife brought home low-sodium bacon and know I understand what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.”

 “I don’t know. Everything was going great and had been perfect for as long as I can remember. But then in 2012…”  -Gluten, talking to his therapist

“One time I listened to my wife tell a whole story without mentioning that I had a video game paused in the other room.”

 What would your life be in a tweet?

This probably sums it up pretty well: “Imagine having kids. Wrong. You don’t have time to imagine anymore.” 

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I kind of wish you would have asked what I was wearing because I am wearing a hipster wolf T-shirt right now.

hipster wolf

YOUR TURN TO WIN FREE STUFF!

In honor of “The Big Book of Parenting Tweets,”   Simon has agreed to give away a copy of the book to a random person who lives in the United States and leaves a comment to the question below. The winner will be randomly chosen Monday night. 

What would your life be in a tweet? (140 characters or less)  

Like the blog? Buy the books and cool things!

zazzle

P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

Kathryn from “Foxy Wine Pocket” Has Issues & a Giveaway!

Here’s what you need to know about today’s blogger spilling her issues—she has two kids, drinks, swears (those things might be related), and writes about suburban life in a way that is anything but crass for all you pearl-clutchers out there. Instead it’s funny and relatable and makes you want to hang out if it meant you didn’t have to put on real pants or makeup.

Oh, and also that she’s giving away something at the end of this post!

So without further ado, I present to you Ms. Foxy Wine Pocket, herself.

foxy1

Name: Kathryn Leehane, but I love it when people call me “Foxy”

Blog: Foxy Wine Pocket 

Where, what and why do you write?

Where: I write in my breakfast room. (“Breakfast room” sounds way more fancy than it really is; it’s a tiny nook off of my kitchen. I also call my teeny-tiny backyard a “courtyard” for the very same reason—fancy.) Anyhow, I like hanging out in that room because I can see all of the comings and goings in front of my house and in the neighborhood. I’m nosey like that.

What: I write (sometimes irreverent and inappropriate) humor on my blog and anywhere else people let me spew my nonsense. I also write non-humor essays, and I’m currently writing my first book.

Why: Because people got tired of listening to me in-person. Even my dog is done with me.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

 “Do I really need to shower this morning or can I sleep a little longer?”

Three websites you visit every day.

Other than my standard social media trifecta (Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest), I like to visit The Oatmeal, The Onion, Cracked. I really love to laugh.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can do this with my lips: 

foxy2

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Free coffee in the morning. Mandatory mid-day naps. Free wine at night

You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

Cured meats, olive bread, and cheese

The last thing you Googled?

“Can you drink alcohol after a colonoscopy” (The answer is you really shouldn’t.)

It’s the holidays–best and worst gift you’ve been given?

Best: A collection of John Hughes movies from my husband.

Worst: A gift card to a men’s clothing store from my mother-in-law. In her defense, she got her stores mixed up (but she did walk into the actual store to buy it).

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Question: What’s the most ridiculous fight you and your spouse have ever had?

Answer: About eighteen years ago, my husband ate my sandwich.

*pauses for effect*

HE ATE MY F-ING SANDWICH, and an epic argument ensued. We’ve had our fair share of spats and arguments, but The Great Sandwich Tragedy of 1997 is one that has really stuck with me throughout the years. So, naturally, I wrote all about it in a book, “Clash of the Couples.”

Editor’s note: There’s no need to pause for effect. I am as protective of my food as a rabid mother badger, so I feel you 100 percent on that one.

And I have to say that I have read that story in “Clash of the Couples” and was cringing throughout the whole thing because FOOD and also because it was hilarious and relatable. That’s why I’m so happy to say WE’RE GIVING AWAY A COPY OF THE BOOK!!!

*Jumps around like Oprah, waving her arms all around most likely knocking a lamp off the table*

It’s described as a “hits-close-to-home anthology featuring a collection of completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats. Think couples fight over kids, sex, and money? Think again! Furniture and the last beer are what genuinely ignite our feuds. And no argument is off limits. This book has it all!” 

This giveaway will be open to anyone in the United States who has a sense of humor and leaves a comment on the question below. For extra good karma, go check out her blog and Facebook page. I will randomly choose a winner Monday night. Good luck, and thank you Foxy!

What’s the most ridiculous thing you and your spouse/partner (former or current) have ever fought about?

 Need a holiday gift? Buy the books and cool things!

zazzle

P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

Jen from “People I Want to Punch In the Throat” Has Issues & a Giveaway

It’s Friday! Another blogger is sharing their issues! Exclamation points!

Today it’s Jen from “People I Want to Punch In the Throat,” and given the name of her blog, it’s natural to assume she has issues.

If you’ve ever heard of the Elf on the Shelf, you’ve heard of Jen. If you’ve ever heard of “I Just Want to Be Alone—and if you read this blog, I’ve shoved it down your throat because I was ridiculously honored to be included—you’ve heard of Jen.

I could sit here and ramble about all her other books—including two new ones that are dropping this September and then in fall of 2015—but I’ll let you figure that out on your own because this post is already long and there’s a giveaway at the end.

Free stuff! Exclamation point!

So without further ado, here’s Jen.

jenauthorpic2

Name: Jen Mann

Blog: People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Where, what, and why do you write?

I write everywhere. I’ve been known to write in my car on the pickup line at school, I write in my bed, I write in my office. You name it, I’ve probably written there. I like to write on a laptop, so I’m always hauling a laptop around with me. A notebook and pen would be too simple for me. I much prefer to sit poolside with a hot piece of machinery on my lap. Plus, then people will stop and say, “Are you a writer?”

Why do I write? That one’s easy. I write so that I don’t kill. I write to vent my spleen. If I don’t write it down then I might literally explode. A wise blogger (whose name I can’t remember) once said, “If I don’t write it on my blog, then did it really happen?” When you have that kind of ego, then you have to be a writer. Plus, I’m not cut out for manual labor, so this writing thing needs to work for me.

(Editor’s note: Since she can’t remember the name of the blogger but appreciated the advice, let’s just pretend it was me. Moving on…)

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

I need a nap.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Anything and everything back to school. We’re starting our second week of school and it’s been a nightmare. Everyone is exhausted, and my kids are crying every morning because they don’t want to get up. They whine that school is hard this year. Ha. You should see fourth grade spelling words: Art. Give me a break, Gomer.

We’re having a tough time getting back into the routine of checking homework, packing ah-may-zing fun and healthy lunches, finding clean clothes to wear each day and shelling out hundreds of dollars for new clothes, markers and glue sticks (NOT the purple ones!!), PTO membership and renting violins. Yes, I rented a violin this year. I am looking forward to the practices because I like to hear the sound of dying cats.

Three websites you visit every day?

Huffington Post, Jezebel and The Onion.

(Editor’s note: By “Huffington Post” of “The Onion” I’m sure she meant Abby Has Issues. Carry on.)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can change a diaper using one hand while holding onto a squirmy toddler with the other.

Favorite place to be?

In my bed. Don’t get excited, Hubs. I like to be there alone. Sleeping.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Citizens may key any car that isn’t parked properly between the lines.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I’ve been watching this show since the beginning and I dream of one day sitting across the table from Jon. I’ll be so star-struck though so the interview will go terribly because I’ll just keep giggling uncontrollably and saying stuff like, “Oh my God, it’s you.”

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best would be leftover burrito from lunch. Worst would be leftover burrito from six months ago.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Where can I buy your new book, Jen? Amazon, of course!


And because she’s a giver, we’re also giving away one copy of “I Just Want to Be Alone” today to a random person who comments on this post answering the question below. The giveaway is open to U.S. residents with a sense of humor and a random winner will be drawn on Tuesday morning and notified via email.

Even if you have a copy of the book, play along. You don’t want to get on her bad side.

Who do you want to punch in the throat?

Like the blog? Buy the books!

zazzle

Words to Your Mother Giveaway!

It has been brought to my attention—by myself—that it’s been quite some time since I’ve given something away, other than all of the content you read on this blog, Facebook and Twitter.

Oh! And the food I put out for the birds and bastard woodland creatures in my yard. Now that I think about it, I’m freaking Mother Teresa! Give me ALL the Nobel Peace Prizes!

Anyway, with Mother’s Day just around the corner and WordPress telling me this is my 500th post, it seemed like a great time to do just that.

So without further ado, I present to you the “Words to Your Mother” book giveaway full of cool stuff you should want. (Because I do, but I’m giving the good stuff to you. You. Are. Welcome.)

giveaway

I Just Want to Be Alone

One signed copy—by me—of this collection of humorous essays from 37 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the Web who let me join in for some reason. Even my 65-year-old uncle loved it. It rocks.

Suburban Haiku

One autographed hardcover edition of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches From Behind the Picket Fence by Peyton Price. One mom’s journey toward suburban assimilation, told in hilarious cringe-worthy haiku. In addition, you will also receive one Suburban Haiku book club tote bag, perfect for hauling your swag all over the neighborhood (or hiding wine. Whatever. I don’t judge.) 

Something Smells Like Pee: And Other Classy Observations

Humorist/writer Blythe Jewell explores things, life, whatnot through the prism of humor, poetry and illustration. This collection of more than 60 titles includes brilliant pieces like “Hair in My Ass Crack,” “Shut the F*&! Up About Twilight,” “Leave the F*&%$! Cat Alone” and many more.

Mommy Had a Little Flask

One copy of the hilarious sequel to “This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store,” the bestselling “momoir” from A.K. Turner. From preschoolers blurting obscenities in public places to living with her in-laws in Mexico, “Mommy Had a Little Flask” delivers a delightfully raw and honest account of family life in Turner’s latest laugh-out-loud confessional.

Part of My World: Short Stories

In this collection of 21 short stories from the fabulous Kim Bongiorno, you will meet a troubled teenager, fallen princess, reunited lovers, creatures from afar and more. Funny, sexy, macabre, and heart wrenching, there’s something for everyone woven into these tales.

At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly True Tales of An Impending Miracle

From the moment her positive test result is revealed in a fog of canine flatulence to the day she’s gently hoisted onto the delivery table by a front-end loader, writer/humorist Paige Kellerman guides you through her pregnancy with twins, careful to only hold one of your hands in case you need to cover your eyes with the other.

Nurse Mommy Laughs

Stacey Hatton from Nurse Mommy Laughs,will make you snort and giggle this Mother’s Day with the book, “I Just Want to Pee Alone,” a classic coffee mug to celebrate your Okay-ness and a Sir Perky (Curly Boner) Corkscrew—a trifecta of fun! 

Don’t Lick the Minivan

As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe becomes pregnant with twins in Asia’s sin city and finds herself dodging deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap. Then she and her husband move home to North American suburbia, where they face hilarious new challenges, such as the funeral she officiated for Stripper Barbie.

Abby Still Has Issues

And to put the cherry on top of this swagaholic sundae, I will also add a signed copy of “Abby Still Has Issues.” This means I have to sign TWO things. Sigh…what I do for you people.  


To qualify: You must be able to read, or know someone who is willing to read, to you, and live in the United States.

Required: There are three ways to enter, so you have three ways to win! First, leave a comment on this post—bad/good advice from a mom, the worst gift ever given/received, why I’m not Mother Teresa, etc.

Second, “like” the Facebook pages of any or all of the above contributors and then leave a comment telling me that you’ve done that (links are included in the descriptions above. One entry no matter how many pages you “like.” )

Finally, share this post via any social media channel you choose—or run around the neighborhood wearing a sandwich board, for all that I care—and leave a comment telling me that you’ve done that.

And if you do run around the neighborhood wearing a sandwich board, please send pictures.

The Winner will be chosen at random and notified via email after the giveaway closes at midnight on Monday, May 5.  And if you don’t win this giveaway, go to Amazon, buy these books, review them and send me a thank you in the form of cash donations.

Good luck!

A League of Our Own and a Giveaway

Not to be annoyingly vague, but I have a couple cool things coming up on the blog in the next couple of months that are really no doing of my own.

Some people asked me to contribute to a couple of neat projects and after looking over both of my shoulders to make sure they were talking to me—and that they were sober—I humbly accepted their offers.

The first really cool thing is that Noa, famed blogger from “Oh Noa” who founded the League of Funny Bitches, asked me and other uber-cool blogger, Jen Reinmuth from “Jen e sais quoi,” to be part of her revamped blog platform and join the LOFB Council (warning: contains adult language.)

LOFB-Abby-e1391738836308

You can read about it on Noa’s blog, but basically every month we’re going to choose a topic and tear it apart, top to bottom, in our Fearless, Fierce, Funny ways through writing, art, video, podcasting and whatever else we think up. We’ll introduce you to other women who bring that theme to life, and then the next month we’ll choose a new one and start all over again.

Why?

We’re over people getting torn down for comedic purposes, and it seems like that’s the most prevalent form of comedy today—at least if you want to “go viral.”  That’s not who we are, and that’s not who we’re going to be. We own our life stories. We might struggle, but we have no shame and know the value of our worth.

We’re funny. We’re fierce. We’re fearless.

I’m working on that last one, which brings me to the topic for this month—Enough. My monthly “slot” is Wednesday— that sounds much dirtier than I intended—and I’m telling you all this so I don’t have to explain it again every time.

Deal? Deal.

And because I haven’t done a giveaway in a while and I want to kiss up to you people so you NEVER LEAVE ME — Subscribe! Follow me on Facebook and Twitter! Buy me a puppy! — we’ll do that today, too.

If you don’t have a copy of my second book yet and want one—or even if you don’t want one, you weirdo—just tell me what kind of “F” you would use to describe yourself (and let’s keep it clean, people.) Funny? Frugal? Food-covered?

Crap. I just described myself once again.

Anyway,  I’ll randomly pick a winner on Friday and let you know via email. Until then, go out and “F” the world, my friends!

Inconsequential Dilemmas and a Giveaway!

There are many serious decisions in life that have to be made—what job to take, house to buy or brand of hummus to commit to—but those are few and far between. It’s the day-to-day decisions that rattle my brain—like if I should tell a co-worker she has spinach in her teeth or assume that she’s just showing off.

That decision is usually based on my level of familiarity with said co-worker. If she’s a friend, I’m pointing it out. If she’s the one who ordered cheaper plastic spoons for the kitchen, I stay quiet and debate whether to file a complaint for emotional distress or just quit and go home.

I have standards.

I also have other inconsequential dilemmas:

Once in awhile I like to buy a $1 scratch-off lottery ticket as part of my “5 Year Plan” for independent wealth and success. However, it’s very important to pick the right one. Do I want “Crazy 8s” that promises I can win up to five times or do I want “Cash for Life” that has a maximum jackpot of $5,000 compared to only $4,000 for the others?

Even though I would be thrilled to win $5 on either, I feel this decision could greatly impact my future and ponder my options again. It’s quite a dilemma.


Do I want my dishes to smell like Passionfruit Burst, Antibacterial Action or Gentle Summer Rain? Wouldn’t a summer rain smell kind of like worms? These are the questions I ask while I stand in the aisle and pick out my dish soap.


Then there are times when I debate whether or not I need to change the toilet paper roll.  As I sit there on the can, I often rationalize that there are probably enough sheets to get me through a couple more bladder evacuations, but that there’s also a new roll right behind me on the back of the toilet.

So do I go ahead and proactively switch out the roll and balance the old one on top of the new or wait until the old roll completely runs out? (One thing never in question is that it unrolls from the top, not the bottom.


What about multiple sightings? It seems whenever I run into someone at the grocery store, in the hallway, etc., I will continue to run into that person multiple times in the following minutes. The first time around, a “hello” is normal, but what about subsequent run-ins? If I just talked to you in produce, do I have to talk to you again in the cereal aisle?


And finally, do I keep $50 worth of snarky Knock Knock stuff for myself or offer it to my readers? Hilarious Post-Its? Journals? Books? Cards? I would totally hoard it, but in the interest of increasing my positive karma, instead I will offer it up.

Why?

Because Knock Knock knows our lives are composed of stupid decisions, which is why I’ve been a fan of theirs for years. Plus, it’s cool stuff and I always wish I could give something back to you guys because I kind of like (most of) you.

This includes everything from the “Inconsequential Dilemma” book that inspired this post to the WTF Nifty Notes, How to Traumatize Your Children book and the Passive-Aggressive Memo Pad.

So if you want $50 worth of their product—winner’s choice—here’s how to enter*:

1.You don’t have to jump through hoops or sing my praises from the mountain tops (although hoop jumping and sharing this post is not discouraged.) Just leave a comment about your own “inconsequential dilemma” below.

P.S. I will also throw in a copy of my book if the winner doesn’t have it already—and you know who you are. Yes…you.

*Entries must be in by 11:59 pm on July 19. I’ll pick the winner at random using Random.org and will announce the winner thereafter. Giveaway is open and offered only to legal residents of the fifty (50) United States, including the District of Columbia.

So spill it. What’s your inconsequential dilemma?

Spring Word Search

This isn’t a “real” post.

Well, technically it is considering that I wrote words and published it here, but the “real” post will come on Tuesday, so be prepared for mild amusement and/or disappointment and the winner of my giveaway.

Yes, the giveaway!

The real reason for this post that isn’t really a post is to remind you to 1) read my last post 2) humor me by possibly buying the book and 3) leave a comment so you can be entered to win the Amazon gift card.

With your “to-do” clearly established, I will also add that I wrote this post that isn’t really a post is to 4) thank everyone who HAS read, shared and commented on my last post and 5) welcome all the new followers as a result of those shares and a magical alignment of the stars.

Because I’m saving a “real” post for Tuesday—good lord, I better make sure I have a post done by Tuesday—I thought today would be a good time to do another “Word Search” post.

For the uninitiated, I get some very random and often humorous search terms that lead to my blog. Sometimes I can tell what post led them here, but sometimes I’m confused and a little bit disturbed.

For example, I’m not sure what it means that “emotional constipation” has shown up on the list more than once, but I don’t feel like that’s very favorable for me. Actually, it’s not very favorable for whoever is Googling “emotional constipation.” They really should start up a blog.

Anyway, I present the latest Word Search installment (with my notes in parenthesis.)

  • I’ve got on my big girl panties, bitch bra and shitkicker boots
  • I wish it were socially acceptable to hibernate (whoever Googled this—we should be friends)
  • Fine, whatever. I’ll just date myself.
  • I love stickers and raccoons hunting with pellet guns (who doesn’t?)
  • Peegret—when you wish you would have gone to the bathroom before you left
  • I have to be naked when I drive
  • Banana clips or Polish babushkas? (Forget the meaning of life. This is the important stuff, people.)
  • Woman cites “He hit ‘reply all’” as reason for insanity. Judge accepts plea.
  • Vanilla Ice in a thong
  • Traveling gnomes using the squatty potty and avocado cutters (at the same time?)
  • I wrote “bitch” in my GPS and it lead me to your driveway (I saw you pull in and dove behind the couch)
  • My grandma is totes cray-cray (probably because you use the words “totes” and “cray-cray,” which technically aren’t even real words)
  • My dog calms down after I put a dress on her (please send pictures)
  • I would exercise but it makes me spill my drink
  • I like putting on a show for the neighbor lady with my tater tots (let’s assume tater tots is NOT a euphemism for anything else, shall we?)
  • Boy squirrel glued in a French maid dress cleaning the house (is this a thing? I would totally sign up for that.)
  • I’ll be your dork

I will be your dork for as long as you guys will put up with me. And if you’ve put up with me all the way to the end of this post that isn’t really a post, I will remind you again to enter the giveaway and then come back next time when one person will be announced the winner and everyone else will be disappointed and probably never visit again.

But for now, enjoy your weekend. Unless you’re the person who Googled “I want to nurture Martha Stewart and help her with her bra wedgie.”

In that case, you’re on your own.

Like the blog? Buy the book.