Tag Archives: flying

Uncle June Does Dallas

Thursday night Uncle June is grabbing his bags and heading out for another work trip to Texas, but instead of Houston, it’s “June Does Dallas.”

homejune2

I’m going, too.

You know I hate travel, but this time I’m going by myself, I’ll be home Sunday afternoon and it’s a convention that will require comparatively minimal effort in comparison to the other trips.

I went to this convention two years ago, and although I’ve tried to block out the traumatic memory, I feel the need to tell you exactly how not wonderful it went in hope talking about it will eliminate the chance of it happening again.

It started out okay in that my plane landed safely (always a good thing) and I arrived at my hotel room to find a nice gift basket welcoming me to the event.

However, I soon found out that the promised Internet connection didn’t work and they had no plans on finding out why that was. At all. I had to walk through the rain to a coffee shop and buy tea so I could use their connection for a couple hours each day/night to get work done.

But that was the least of my worries that trip.

The first day I was there I lost my favorite zip-up hooded sweatshirt walking back from said coffee shop. Not only was it my favorite sweatshirt, but it was my only coat for the trip.

The mall that my hotel was connected to—one that included a food court with veggie options—closed at 3pm during the week and didn’t even open on the weekends (this is still the case, but I’m including it anyway.)

At a costume party the second night I only lasted until 8pm, not because it was nearing my bed time—although it kind of was—but because I became extremely queasy.

I ran back to my room and began dry heaving into the hotel toilet.

So there I was—dressed like a hippie and dry heaving into a foreign crapper, wondering if it was food poisoning or the flu—when I started to lose my vision as a migraine set in.

Five minutes later I was half in my pajamas but with my hippie hair piece still in, still dry heaving with a migraine and my OCD raging, wondering how things could get worse.

After a sleepless night of nausea and several pleas with the devil to take my soul in exchange for relief, I soon found out how things could get worse.

I went to e-register and get my boarding pass for Sunday’s flight and found out I had made my reservations for MAY 18 and not APRIL 18. I could detail the long story and frantic conversation with the airline, but it boils down to me being a distracted idiot and that my travel troubles aren’t limited to simply being directionally challenged.

At any rate, that trip was a disaster but not because of the convention itself, so I’m hoping this time will be exponentially more pleasant. At the very least, I hope to not find myself dry heaving into any toilet anywhere and have access to the Internet if I do so I can blog about it.

And since I know you’re wondering, I have triple and quadruple checked my itinerary.

I will be coming home Sunday.

Of this week.

With the gnome…and hopefully a better story. 

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This Is Your Captain Speaking

I’m finally back home from Houston, which means I need to write at least one more post about the experience, namely my trust issues as they relate to flying. 

airplane

Here’s the thing about flying.

It’s the ultimate loss of control. Whereas someone driving you around in a car is theoretically more dangerous than someone flying you around in a plane — especially if it’s a cab driver, as good lord they’re freakishly fearless — at least I can bail out of the car or choose the radio station.

This is not an option in an airplane.

So you basically board the big metal bird and trust that the dude in the captain’s hat had his Starbucks and not a fight with his wife and/or girlfriend before coming to work and navigating a gazillion ton airplane 30,000 feet into the sky.

The captain does often try to connect with you on some level, although I think they overdo it a bit and supply the passengers with completely unnecessary information. The general overview of the flight, weather conditions, etc. are all great facts to have, but they were probably already mentioned by the flight attendants before they plowed through the aisles with their metal carts full of juice and water.

But why do we always need to know exactly how high we’re flying multiple times throughout the flight?

“Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We’re currently at an altitude of 17,000 feet and should reach our cruising altitude in about 14 minutes and 33 seconds.”

I’m not sure what to do with this information, and let’s be honest. No one is sitting in their tiny little seat with their tray tables in the upright position logging the altitude of the flight like a fan keeps the box score at a ballgame. All most people care about it making sure the plane is flying high enough not to hit the trees and buildings below.

If they’re going to interrupt my attempt at a nap or try and distract me from the fact that three birds just flew through the engine, they should present passengers with more interesting facts about the person who could potentially turn the plane into a flaming inferno of death.

“Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Did you know that after graduating from flight school, I celebrated by streaking through the streets of Barcelona in nothing but a red banana hammock?”

“I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve gone 465 days on the job without an accident or ‘incident.’”

“If I had to choose my favorite meal, it would be lasagna with homemade garlic bread. I eat it before every flight, you know, just in case.”

I would even settle for interesting random facts, kind of a “tweet-like” account of what’s really going on up in the air.

“If you choose to use the lavatory in the next 15 minutes, you will be emptying your bladder at exactly the same altitude as Mauna Kea, the world’s tallest mountain.”

“My co-pilot wants me to tell you that he just finished a crossword puzzle in ink, if anyone’s looking for a hero.”

“Woo-hoo! Conditions are great and this kick-ass tail wind means we’re going to arrive early. This thing is like a manic hummingbird on speed today!”

I’m still not sure what I do would do with that information either, but I can guarantee I could have written a much more entertaining blog post than this.

At any rate, it is nice that they thank us for choosing their airline and acknowledge the fact that we had other options, even if we really didn’t seeing as there was probably only one flight in and out of our destination for the next month.

Still, I suppose they try, and with that I will say:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your blogger speaking. I would like to thank you for choosing ‘Abby Has Issues’ today, as I know you had other options. Please be sure to check back again for all your future neurotic needs.”

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