As the plethora of pumpkins and décor would indicate, we’re getting closer to Halloween. And while I’m not really a Scrooge, I’m also not that into the holiday anymore.
I write about Halloween five months out of the year for one of my magazines at work, and if I want candy, costumes and creepiness, I can go to WalMart and wander among the shoppers any day of the week.
Plus, a lot of the “scary” things associated with the day like skulls, witches and spiders—okay, I’ll give you that last one—don’t really scare me at all. Even the stray black cat that hangs out here crossing my path doesn’t spook me at all, (although mouthing “you’re screwed” and giving me the finger when it walked by just seemed rude.)
Anyway, I even did the haunted house thing a couple of years ago but decided that I would never again pay $20 for people to jump out and yell at me when there were things in my daily adult life that scare me even more—for free.
Getting a notification that I’ve been tagged in a Facebook picture without having any idea what picture it is.
Sneezing while driving.
Seeing a picture of myself as a toddler in a bathing suit and realizing my boobs are still the same size.
Getting my mortgage statement.
Touching the remote control at the gym, or worse, being stuck on a cardio machine near someone who evidently marinated in Axe cologne.
Being selected as either Dr. Oz’s assistant of the day or “going to Flavortown” with Guy Fieri.
People without a sense of humor.
Seeing a bug inside, running to get a paper towel to dispose of the bug, and coming back to find the bug has since departed to regions now unknown.
Losing the Internet for more than five minutes.
Using a toilet away from home and having it refuse to flush.
Eating the last bite of something without realizing I just ate the last bite of something. I am never more emotionally unprepared.
Going to feed the birds and having a mouse jump out of the birdseed bag.
Three words: Company Teambuilding Activity
Accidentally hitting the switch for the garbage disposal instead of the light above the sink.
Trying on a shirt in a dressing room—scary enough as it is—but then getting stuck in said shirt, providing the security cameras with a panic-filled performance of attempted removal.
Having to touch a bathroom door handle, noticing it’s wet, and not knowing if it’s because someone washed their hands or if they didn’t. (Thank god for hand sanitizer.)
My grandma trying to hook me up with the new 90-year-old resident at the home because, “I can’t afford to be picky anymore.”
Realizing more people will read a Buzzfeed quiz in one day to find out what their “Spirit Vegetable” is than will read my whole blog/books in a year.
(For the record, I would be a Brussels sprout—often steamed and rather bitter.)
So as you can see, Halloween really has nothing on my general day-to-day neurosis. Bring it on, Freddy Krueger. Bring it on.
What would you add to your list?