Tag Archives: Facebook

More Headlines From My House

It’s been a few months since I’ve shared some headlines from my house, so I figured it was time for an update.

More Headlines From My House

Nemo Found. Dory Lost. Owners Banned from Owning More Pets

Evidence Suggests Hardest Part of Exercising in Morning for Most People is Not Telling Everyone They Worked Out in the Morning

Twitter Greatly Overestimates Woman’s Desire to Find New Friends

Driver Beeps Horn .03 seconds After Light Turns Green; Woman Shuts Off Car, Lies on Hood and Feeds Birds for an Hour

Motion Made to Rename Naps ‘Horizontal Life Pauses’

Personal Ad: The last two things I’ve spooned were a pillow and a jar of sunflower seed butter

Dora the Explorer to Explain How She Gets Shirt Over Her Giant Freak Head

Etiquette Tip: Use Phrase ‘Gender Reveal Party’ and not ‘Baby Sex Party’

Study Finds Only Thing Women Like More Than Target is Talking About Going to Target

College Graduate Observed Washing Lawn Gnome in Bird Bath; Neighbors Cease Questioning as to Single Status

Cantaloupes Resent Being Called ‘Just Negative Antelopes;’ Sue for Slander

Of Available Techniques for Safely Drinking Hot Tea, Waiting for it to Actually Cool Down Least Used

Woman, 32, Emotionally Unprepared When Last Bit of Food Eaten Without Realizing It

Poll: Bigger scam: Non-stick pans or no-scrub bathroom cleaner?

New Reality Show Created About Bored People Scrolling Meaningless Crap on Internet at Work Called ‘Relatable’

After Third Time Tripping Over Cat in Single Trip Across House, Owner Refuses to Fake Concern For Cat’s Wellbeing

Banana Pulled Off Bunch Feels ‘Ripped Viciously From Family’

Confirmed: Internet Connection Goes Out More Than I Do

Woman Turns on Oven. Hears Fire Truck in Background. Turns off oven. Reverts to Plan B

Editor Disappointed to Discover ‘Plastic Martini Glasses’ Drying in Office Bathroom are Actually Part of a Breast Pump

Most Underreported Form of Cyber Bullying Found to be Invitations to Play FarmVille on Facebook

After Reviewing Bank Statement, Writer Diagnosed with Earning Disability

Confirmed: No Good Way to Hurry Around Old Lady in Motorized Cart Without Looking Like You’re Racing Her

Creator of Pants Without Pockets Fails Performance Review

Broccoli Floret Fell Out of Shirt at Gym. Thinking of Becoming Motivational Speaker

Psychologists Conclude Burritos are “Just Shy Tacos with a Soft Side”

After Vacuuming, Couch Free of Cat Hair For Record 19 Seconds

‘Sense of Community’ Formed When Line of Cars Joins Up to Prevent Jerk from Cutting In at Front

Like the blog? Buy the books!

Your turn. Give me a headline from your house.

Odds and Ends

I actually have a new post to publish, but I like to read my posts out loud to the cat before I publish them so that I can prepare myself for no emotional reaction whatsoever, and she’s been on a catnip bender this week. Twice I came home to find her burning incense and eating Cheetos while hanging upside down off the couch.

She knows she’s not allowed on the couch.

Anyway, she’s penciling me in this weekend so Monday I’ll probably share whatever it is I wrote that I already forgot about because it’s been a long week. In other words, this is a post that isn’t really a post but just wrapping up a few odds and ends.

First of all, I’m over In the Powder Room talking about shopping for pants and you should go read it.

Clothes shopping is the 7th circle of hell @abbyhasissues

I know, I know. Who am I? First I talk about ta-tas and then retail. But seeing as I’m equally ignorant and ambivalent about both topics, I felt I was qualified to write about them on the Internet.

Speaking of the Internet, anyone who has a Facebook fan page knows what a pain in the dupa it is to actually get people to see your posts. Most of the time the stats show only about 25 percent of my “fans” see anything that I share.

If you’re not doing that on purpose, check out the handy tip sheet Kim from Let Me Start By Sharing made to simplify the process.


And finally, I hate to brag, but Jake from State Farm replied to one of my tweets.


Sorry I’m not good at screenshots.

He had to had to stalk his name to find it (weeks later) and doesn’t have that many followers, so maybe he is as hideous as the commercial suggests? All I know for certain is that he’s wearing khakis and emotionally available at 3 a.m.

That’s more than I can say.

Anyway, that’s the end of this post that isn’t really a post. Now entertain me.

If you could sum up your week with one movie or song title, what would it be?

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Inspector Gadget

Unless you’re brand new here, you know I love my avocadoes. If you’re brand new here, I love my avocados.

So imagine my delight when I won a Facebook fan prize from Haas Avocados a couple weeks ago—an avocado cutter. I was excited, but not because I got an avocado cutter. We’ll get to that in a minute. No, being randomly selected and called out by name by “the avocado” was like requited love, if only for a moment.

Anyway, it came in the mail the other day.


Uncle June made an appearance for photo purposes only.

As I suspected, I’ll probably never use it.

Why? Because when I look at an avocado, I think, “Where’s my knife?” I then proceed to slice the avocado, dig the pit out of and then either slice it with the knife or mash with a fork.

I do not look at it and think, “What a complex looking piece of food! In order to break through this enigma, I will require a full set of tools!”

And when I looked at the cutter, I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it (other than pose a gnome next to it and snap a picture, of course.) However, there are instructions on the website.


Not to sound ungrateful for my prize, but is this really a necessary thing? How hard is it to cut an avocado in the first place? We need tools?

I did a little research and found out that not only is this “keep in your purse for emergency situations” 3-in-1 avocado cutter available, but there are more things to add to your avocado tool box:


A slicer that also helps scoop out the pit, you know, like a spoon.


A cuber that looks like a lacrosse mallet.

Avocado Masher

A masher.


And a “special” knife/4-in-one tool that “opens, pits, dices and removes the peel.”

I realize that my minimalism leaves my kitchen gadget collection limited to a can opener, but I think four or five tools to cut and serve an avocado is a bit much. If something only does one job, it just doesn’t seem practical, especially if it’s a pain to wash.

Despite my domestic disability, I can separate eggs or cut an apple into slices on my own.

Now that doesn’t mean I can’t spend hours in Bed, Bath & Beyond looking at all the fun gadgets and imagining what unnecessary things I would register for if I ever convinced someone to take me on as their consolation prize wife, but I would never actually buy them for myself.

Then there are “practical” things like spoon rests, which I guess I see the point of, even though I think a small plate does the same job. However, my grandma used to have one, so that gives it some cred. My grandma never had a citrus slicer or an electronic fork that twirled spaghetti, although that would be a fun experiment to try in the dining room

Anyway, this avocado cutter was free and I’m happy to try it out. If I somehow manage to maim myself or get it stuck in my hair, at least I’ll have material for another blog post.

Stay tuned.

When it comes to kitchen gadgets—not appliances like toasters or sandwich makers, but one-job gadgets—what do you have and what would you want?