Tag Archives: email

Easy as 1, 2, 3

When given a set of instructions, my OCD kicks into overdrive and I find myself reading them over and over until I have them basically memorized and then refer back every five seconds to check what I’ve read and what I should do.

This does not mean I am good with them, as you know, but it’s not for lack of preparation. I maintain that I simply lack the gene that allows for implementation.

However, it’s become apparent that many adults these days lack the preparation, the implementation and the desire to actually read the instructions that are given to them.

Some examples, you say?

I have at least three.

Four-Way Stops

This is not nuclear physics. Basically the first vehicle to arrive at a complete stop is the first vehicle allowed to leave the stop sign. 

But yet people either speed right through or sit there and appear to contemplate the angle of the sun in proportion to the trajectory of the moon before concluding they should go — a decision often influenced by the fact everyone is waving them on with one select finger or honking their horns.

I know the rules and will stand my ground with one exception: If your car is held together with bungee cords and duct tape, I will always yield to you. You clearly have nothing to lose.

Email

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say I send out an email that ends with, “I have attached the form with the deadline included. Thanks, Abby.” Please note that my name is also included in the signature at the bottom of the email and in the return email address.

I can’t tell you the number of times I get a reply along the lines of, “Hi Anny/Amy/Bob! Can you please send me the form and let me know when the deadline is?”

And…headdesk.

This shows a blatant lack of effort and respect for my time, and also that of Anny/Amy/Bob, wherever and whoever they may be. And for the love of avocados, if it instructs, “Reply back directly and do not ‘reply all.’” Do not “reply all.” In fact, do not ever “reply all.”

Ever.

Self Checkouts

Despite the fact that the machine tells you what to do step-by-step both visually and out loud, it seems “scan item,” “place item in the bag” and “insert money” is interpreted as “poke at the screen for 5 minutes,” “yell about how you can’t find the picture of the bright yellow fruit on the screen” and “try to cram wrinkled dollar bills into the slot while swearing.”

And yet these people keep returning to the self checkout lanes as if actual interaction with the cashier is too much of an inconvenience.

I suppose if nothing else, watching these people justifies the necessity of the “do not eat” warning labels on silica gel packs.

Let’s hope that they follow directions.

Like the blog?  Buy the book.

Advertisements

Sharing Victoria’s Secret

A few of you mentioned that given the nature of some of the search terms for my blog, I must write about underwear a lot.

In reality, I only did one post about a year ago in which I mentioned some underwear survey I read about and then wished for a pair of underwear I could slip on that would magically help me find a metaphorical emotional balance somewhere between a thong and granny panties.

The post was lame, but it apparently brings in some interesting search terms, and a few weeks ago it brought in one interesting email. I am not including the name of the other person, as I’m sure she’s a nice (or a psycho that would seek revenge) and it’s not my intent to poke fun of her.

However, this email thread was weird and went exactly as I have it below.

HER: I have a silly question, so please forgive the oddness of my request.  I’ve been trying to find the old second skin panties Victoria’s Secret used to make. I some how ended up with a pair a while back and ever since I’ve been on this ridiculous hunt trying to find them all. Of course VS stopped making them years ago.

I noticed you had a lot of them in one of your photos from a post in 2010. Is there any chance you still have them? I’ve been trying so hard to find them, but the only way to get them now is from someone who bought them originally.

I’m sorry if that sounded odd,

Thanks!

ME: Yikes! I wasn’t expecting that question, and I’m afraid you’ll be bummed by my answer. First of all, I bought those years ago, so I’m not sure if they still sell them or not. Second, I’m not too into sending my underwear to other people, as nice as those people may be. Maybe you can get some online?
Good luck!

HER: I hope I didn’t offend you or anything with that question. 😦

ME: It was a bit odd and I’m not sure if you were serious, but it takes a lot to offend me. Good luck with your search!

HER: Aww. Come on! They stopped making them years ago 😦 I’m sorry, I know it’s an odd question but it would mean sooooooooo much too me. I’ve been looking for years trying to find them all. Please consider it Abby!

ME: What am I supposed to be considering? Giving you my underwear? Are you serious? Yes, now this is weird. It’s not like I have a stash of discontinued VS underwear I’m hoarding and not selling to you. It’s a couple pairs of underwear–my underwear–that have been worn. Why would you want those?

HER: I’m sorry. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not up to any evil shenanigans. It’s just that Victoria’s Secret discontinued them a long time ago and after writing them many times they said they don’t bring back old styles. Most of the ones I have were given to me by other women and they were all happy to part with them.

It may seem odd to you but I don’t mind if they’re used and I’m sorry you found that weird.They’re just one of those odd favorites in life. I would love to see what ones you have and even buy them if they’re the right ones, but if you’re not ready to part with them or have an issue with it again I’m sorry for being so blunt.

ME: That’s okay. To be honest, I’m not even sure which pair we’re talking about, but I think I would like to keep them anyway. But like I said, I wish you luck with your search.

HER: OK. For the sake of it, the leopard prints along with the two blue pairs with flowers are second skin from VS. I think 6-7 of what I can see in that photo are Second Skin. Anyway, those are what I’m looking so hard for.

Take care and if you change your mind, I would still love for you to send them my way!

undies

Picture from that post.

For the record, I wear almost none of these—they were gifts and have a long backstory—but I refuse to send my underwear to a complete stranger who requests them over the Internet.

Unless, of course, that stranger is a hot Canadian hockey player. Then those suckers are headed for the mail.

Like the blog? Buy the book!

(Book does not include complimentary pair of underwear.)

Out of Order

The title of this blog is “Abby Has Issues,” and a bunch of my issues revolve around my OCD. While there are serious things that go along with it, a lot of them are what I consider to just be annoyingly quirky, no doubt adding to the charm that I ooze out of my various bodily cavities.

funny-pictures-ocd-cat-is-disturbed-by-loose-threads1

When I get stressed, my anxiety relief takes the form of (over) exercise, cleaning and brushing my teeth. Don’t ask. And not surprisingly, I tend to crave order, organization and keeping things to a minimum—whether it’s in my house or on my computer.

For instance, I would Tweet much more than I do if The Twitter didn’t keep a running total of how many tweets I’ve put out there. The higher the number gets, the more I want to go back into the past and delete until the number is reduced to something more manageable.

When it comes to email, I have an anxiety attack that can only be cured with an episode of “The Soup” and wine from a box when I hear people say they have 300 unread messages in their inbox.

Even though I have four email addresses for work, my inbox never has more than 10 emails. I’m pretty sure anything over that would trigger some sort of catastrophic destruction, so as soon as they come in, I open them and then organize/delete as necessary.

Email in Inbox

(When we have an email blast and I get 50 “Out of office” replies in 10 minutes, it’s like a manic game of Whac-A-Mole between the emails popping up and me deleting them.)

Let’s move on.

At any rate, I like things neat and tidy and have been known to straighten out hangers and items on store shelves as I walk by, pull weeds in other people’s yards as I pass and if I visit your house, I will make sure the toilet paper roll is properly placed—over is right, under is wrong—and then knock you off the pedestal I might have placed you on.

But my actual order of operations is screwed up in other areas, and it seems no matter how many times I try and get it right, I still end up out of order.

For instance:

  • I will get dressed, spray perfume and then proceed to walk directly into the sprayed perfume with my mouth open. Approximately 1.6 minutes later, I will decide that I don’t in fact want to wear that shirt (that now smells good), change my shirt, spray perfume and repeat the neurotic, yet fragrant, process.
  • I will also put chapstick on before taking a drink of something, and although I wash my water bottles and cups, it’s a) a waste of chapstick and b) not enjoyable to have chapstick-flavored water.
  • Whenever I clean my shower, I only remember to ventilate after unicorns and bottles of shampoo start talking to me. In other words, open a window before you enclose yourself in a small space with noxious cleaning fumes. 
  • This won’t come as a shock, but I wash my hands a lot. However, I often decide that I have to wash my hands after I put lotion on them—not because of the lotion, but because of something else—which starts a vicious cycle. Not only that, but I will put lotion on before I have to open a jar or a door, wash dishes, handle my food or get something out of my eye.

Seeing as I would like to cleanly wrap this up, I’ll just leave you with those examples and encourage you to line up single file and share your own.

What do you repeatedly do “out of order?”

And just because I want to know your take on this one, do you vacuum and then dust or dust and then vacuum?

This is very important to know.