Tag Archives: eating

Food Marketing 101

As the commercials during the Super Bowl prove, success is pretty much just all about marketing and how you present a certain product.

bathrobe

Fashion aside, this is especially true with food.

Would you prefer to eat “soup” or “food-flavored tea”? Drink “coffee” or “bean water”? In other words, some items have greatly benefitted from clever categorization, while others could use a little bit of help in the PR department.

GOOD

Salads–Salad has become synonymous with “healthy,” due in part to the fact that they adopted “salad dressing” as an accompaniment instead of the phrase, “lettuce gravy.” Things like a traditional salad with greens and veggies helped ensure the “healthy” illusion of salad that things like taco salad and potato salad have benefited from. You know, a burrito dumped into a fried shell and slathered with sour cream and three shreds of lettuce and a bowl of mayonnaise with specks of potato. Vegetables for the win!

Head Cheese—Lies! NOT CHEESE!

Tofu–While I’m a vegan, I can’t tolerate soy so tofu is out. However, I used to be able to eat it and know that tofu is basically just a codependent block of coagulated bean curd. It has no flavor and takes on whatever it’s cooked with, but I guess “tofu” sounds better than “codependent coagulated curd,” although whether it tastes better or not is up for debate. 

Sweet Breads—Lies! NOT BREAD!

English Muffins–Muffins are generally thought of as a breakfast food, which we’ll get to in a minute, but English muffins are not really a “muffin.” They’re more like a butter sponge one has to extract from the (unplugged) toaster with a knife, putting to use the hours you played Operation as a kid. However, I guess “butter sponge” sounds a little less fancy (but honestly, still kind of delicious.)

Fortune Cookies–Cookie Monster would lose his shit if presented with this as a “cookie.” The fortune cookie is to cookies as Kim Kardashian is to acting. You can label it whatever you want, but that doesn’t mean that it’s any good.  Every fortune should just read, “This is a stale imitation of food and you could eat this piece of paper and not know the difference.” 

QUESTIONABLE

Radish--This gets the award for the most tasteless vegetable that also has that capacity to burn your mouth with each bite. It’s a polarizing food, which is why I see this as being how it was named:

Person 1: I love this vegetable! It’s so rad!

Person 2: Meh. It’s not that great. It’s more like rad-ish. Hey! Let’s go with that!

BAD 

Now let’s take a look at the names of foods that could use a little more help.

Milk Duds–While many people enjoy spending three hours trying to chew three small chocolate caramel confections, they are essentially named after a dairy product that has failed. I can just imagine how that meeting went:

“Hey! What should we call these? Chewy Chocolate Caramels?  Lactose Losers? I know! Let’s go with Milk Duds!”

Muffins–Let’s be honest here. While English muffins benefit from the reputation of muffins, muffins could greatly up their cred by going with what they essentially are—naked cupcakes. For most versions, adding frosting is the only distinction between the two, but I guess I understand the hesitation.

It’s acceptable to eat a 500-calorie muffin for breakfast under the guise of “healthy” whereas eating something with “cake” in the name wouldn’t work. Unless it’s a pancake smothered in syrup, of course, because that just makes logical sense.

Ugli Fruit–This is technically a form of tangelo and while a bit unsightly, was the term “ugli” really necessary? Were these people trying to make them sound unappealing so that they could hoard them all for themselves? I would go with “unique” fruit or “has a great personality” fruit. “Ugli” just seems a bit cruel.

Leftovers–Finally, people complain about leftovers all the time, most likely due in part to the fact that they’re considered scraps that are just “left over.” True, sometimes they’re not as stellar when performing in the second act, but if you think of them as “edible encores” it might spice things up a bit.

Speaking of spice, how did Allspice corner the market on that one? Talk about a confident condiment.

At any rate, bon appetite, my friends.

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Spoon Me

There’s something I need to get off my chest—and that would mostly likely be a hunk of food that failed to make it into my mouth.

While I’m generally a pretty neat person, sometimes that gets lost in translation somewhere between my mind and my mouth. Actually, a lot gets lost in translation between my mind and my mouth, but let’s move on.

I do my best to avoid any spillage and eat a majority of my meals out of bowls for that very reason. Putting most things on a plate without edges acting as little barriers increases the likelihood that I will be wearing a piece of the meal.

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But I do sometimes use this awesomeness my mom got me a couple of years ago.

And while most people thrive on variety—it’s the spice of life!—I’m one who is perfectly content eating the same things over and over again. In fact a majority of my meals are the same few things with an easy variation on the staples. It’s not that there’s no variety available with a vegan lifestyle—the complete opposite is true—but I know what I like.

Part of what I like is to eat certain things in a certain way.

I admit it’s a bit OCD, but it’s also something I’ve been doing since I was little and picked certain things out to eat first—I’m told I called them “beaks”— and I still do that today.

farrobowl2 I eat some variation on this combination every day.

When it comes to my daily hippie bowls, I always eat the veggies first, then the protein (chickpeas, for example) and then the grains. And even if I’m at home, I still use a plastic spoon for some reason that is decidedly unclear to me.

Much like the Ziploc bags I rinse and reuse, I’m pretty sure I’m common law married with a few of these spoons.

With a sandwich, I cut it diagonally and then eat the crusts before eating the smaller half first—something about saving the best part for last. The thought of picking up an uncut sandwich and eating it as is is foreign to me.

However, my avocado sandwiches are usually cut in half and then eaten open-faced with a knife and a fork in part because I’m not entirely confident I won’t end up wearing a piece of the thing if I didn’t.

avosandwich2

Apples are always cut up for the same reason, and if I’m eating anything that has some sort of layers—like a mini-Twix or a peanut butter cup—the outside edges are eaten first, then the top, then the rest.

I have at least three cups of my tea a day in one of two cups, and it has to be drunk with a small straw. This is also to ward off spillage, but also to ward off staining my teeth with the tea (you know, in case Hollywood calls.)

But I draw the line at drinking it with my pinkie finger up. After all, a girl must have standards. 

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So spill it (pun completely intended.) Do you have any weird food things?

And if food’s not your thing a) I will never understand the kind of person that you are but b) stay tuned later this week for my annual holiday poem. ‘Tis the season!