Tag Archives: Craig’s List

Wanted: Professional Chair Model

I won’t get into the depressing part of unemployment at this point—that can be a different post—because today I’m feeling pretty optimistic after finding this ad on our local Craig’s List page.

Yes, I know that I was burned the last time I found the “perfect” job for me—the naked sushi model gig—because I never heard back, but this time around I think I stand a much better chance.

WANTED- PROFESSIONALCHAIR MODEL

 Actual chair picture from the ad. So fancy!

Even though the editor in me was twitchy with the grammatical errors, I’m reprinting it below as it appears to maintain authenticity.

Wanted: Professional or amateur chair model. Successful candidate should be comfortable remaining seated for extended periods of time, while exuding the confidence of one who could handle a store well if need, run a place, give meetings, answer phones, help guests, be a personal assistant, and so on. Would prefer someone who is a verity a place, and has a long job history. Please be one who both does not do bad, and desires to learn a lot. 

Sound like you? Ready to sit down and start a new career today? Contact us right away.*

*Successful candidate should not be allergic to gluten, other allergens, or wasp stings.

While the chair didn’t look quite as comfortable as a chair that I might have picked out, I still decided to throw my hat into the ring. Or rather, my ass into the seat.

Hello!

I came across your ad on Craig’s List while sitting on my couch, which I believe demonstrates my ability to multi-task in that I was both sitting and using a computer simultaneously. While I’m technically still waiting to achieve “professional” chair model status, I do have more than 33 years of experience sitting on couches and chairs.

And not to brag, but I was recently named Couch CEO at Casa de Abby (business cards are in the works.)

At any rate, I exude not just the aroma of garlic, but also the confidence of one who could handle any situation—running a store, answering phones, helping guests—all while sitting in a chair. Seriously. Put me in a chair and prepare to be amazed. In fact, if the position required it I would be willing to also venture into consuming food and beverages while remaining dedicated to the professional posterior positioning.

Speaking of food, I am not allergic to gluten–as you mentioned in the ad–so that shouldn’t be an issue. However, even though I’m not allergic to wasp stings, I don’t particularly enjoy them. Should this be a concern for me in that you’re planning on placing said chair in the middle of wasp-infested environments?

I’m not saying that’s a deal-breaker, but I would require a beekeepers outfit for that. I’m sure that you understand why.

Anyway, I don’t know what “verity a job place is,” but as you request in the end of your ad, I’m someone who “both does not do bad, and desires to learn a lot.” In other words, you’re sitting on a goldmine with me here, my friends! Let’s pull up a chair—ha! See what I did there?—and talk about when we can start.

Thank you so much for your time,

Abby

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A Raw Deal

Now I don’t want to curse anything, especially seeing as I haven’t heard back yet, but I think there’s a really good chance my ship might have finally come in, my friends.

While I was perusing Craig’s List, I came upon an ad that, well, I guess I should let it speak for itself. 

(Reprinted exactly as listed, despite grammatical errors that make me twitchy. But with fate, one can’t be picky!)

Hello,

We are hiring for a one-time professional model for one evening. We will be celebrating a birthday and we will have Sushi Chefs carve the most delicate and fattiest Tuna there is right before our eyes, we’ll be pouring the most satisfying sake, and all we need left is YOU. A beautiful, yet professional model who we will eat SUSHI off of.

It’s simple. You come to our designated location. You undress. Get one the table. We will cover your goodies with bamboo leaves so no it’s not full nude. Our chefs who we also hired will be preparing sushi and plating directly on your body. We will eat and dine for approx no more than 2 hours. It will be awesome! If you’re interested please email back with an attached photo of yourself.

Pay is negotiable but we will start at $100/hr + travel expenses/accomodations, heck you can take the leftover sushi home with you!

sushiad

Actual picture they included in the ad.

I was a little hesitant at first, but the fact they offer to cover my “goodies” with bamboo was a nice gesture. However, what really sold me was that not only will it be “awesome,” but heck! I can take the leftover sushi home with me!

Never mind the fact I’m not a professional model—details, details—I felt compelled to reply with a couple questions I had.

(Email reprinted exactly as sent, despite erroneous description of my concave chest region. But again, one can’t be picky!)

Konnichiwa!

I came across your Craig’s List ad for a sushi model and before I send you my picture, I was wondering if you could answer a couple of questions.

Because I’m rather large in the chest region, how will that work when I’m lying down? My large breasts will most likely flop to the sides, and I would hate for any of the expensive sushi product to be wasted. I was thinking that perhaps each boob could be propped up on the sides with a chopstick?

Also, have you considered what might happen if the model were to sneeze? Do you have a backup supply of sushi in case this incident occurs?

It’s not that I’m prone to sneezing, but the last time I was used as a human buffet, pepper was spilled. I don’t think I have to tell you how messy it can be when a baked potato body bar experiences a violent eruption! I’m still picking chives out of my hair (Don’t worry though. Those will be gone by the time I show up for this event.)

I am rather tall, and so my figure would make an excellent table for your meal. In addition, I also have an “innie” belly button that could be used for a wasabi holder or Sake shooter, if needed.

If you can guarantee that it will be no longer than two hours—I have a bladder the size of a Cheerio. Ha!—that it will indeed be “awesome” and that I will be supplied with a Styrofoam cooler to take home the extras (I only need the veggie option,) I would love to be considered for this position.

Thanks so much!

Like I said, I haven’t heard back yet, but I’ll be sure to follow-up if I do.

*Fingers crossed!*

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