Tag Archives: book

Moms Are Nuts

I missed two of my mom’s calls the other day, which meant I assumed the helicopter flying over my house was part of the search crew she called.

Now don’t get me wrong—I love my mom a lot.

After all, she did raise me in the days before she could take to social media and complain about how hard it is to be a mom. In fact, she even did it while going through 13 spinal surgeries and a host of other issues and still managed to raise a highly intelligent dog and then me, a semi-functional/slightly-neurotic daughter who uses her mom for blog fodder from time to time.

Well, this is one of those times.

Why? Because all moms are nuts. Maybe not “dress a dead cat up in a bright red sweater before burying it in the backyard” or “force her daughter to bring a traveling gnome to the theater” nuts like my mom, but in one way or another, they’re all nuts.

If you need proof, I present to you this exciting new book you can buy.

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In fact, you can buy EXTRA copies of it and send it to all the moms out there for Mother’s Day as proof that even the moms of Emmy winners and TV personalities are sometimes bat shit crazy.

The fancy description:

Moms are Nuts is a collection of stories about mothers, grandmothers, mother-in-laws and mother figures who have crossed the paths of some of the wittiest writers and comedians. Laugh your way through 26 brilliant stories… some of which may sound waaaay too familiar.”

And then there’s this from the back cover:

“Emmy winners, magazine editors, comedians, TV personalities, bestselling authors and social media superstars team up to bring you a laugh-out-loud book not about being a mom, but about having a mom, grandmom or mom-figure. And while it’s not OK for someone else to make yo-momma jokes about your momma, it is perfectly healthy even downright hilarious to find the humor in your own upbringing. In fact, these writers highly recommend it. So if you think your mom is nuts, pull up a chair. You’re in good company.”

Who are some of these people?

Only the likes of Gloria Fallon, Suzy Soro, Amy Vansant and Wendi Aarons, among a bunch of other people with a well-established resume of success despite—and even possibly as a result of—the mother figure in their lives.

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Oh yeah. I’m in there, too.

For all of the details, you can check out the website and then head on over to Amazon to buy the ALL the copies in paperback and Kindle! Not only will you laugh and feel a bit normal, but you can add a copy of “I Just Want to be Alone” and have your Mother’s Day shopping done.

And if you have wrapping paper left over from Christmas, use that to wrap it up in. This will show your mom that not only do you have a sense of humor, but also a deep devotion to recycling and being earth-friendly.

Win-win!

So if you love your mother, be sure to pick this book up. Either as a token of your affection, or as a way to distract yourself when she’s 15 minutes into making a “long story short” on the phone.

You’ll thank me later.

Like the blog? Buy the books!

P.S. A reminder that Facebook is limiting what you see, so if you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

Revealing Some Lady Parts

Remember when I said that I Just Want to be Alone?

Well, I have confession. At times, I don’t want to be alone. Sometimes I need the support of other people who understand where I’m coming from, that remind me that even if I’m physically sitting alone, I never have to feel lonely.

Plus, I just like to laugh.

Lucky for me I’ve somehow convinced an elite group of successful, talented and hilarious women to let me call them my friends. And lucky for you, I’ve also convinced this group of successful, talented and hilarious women to let me ask them a few random questions to convince you to go buy the book.

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Q: What is your biggest daily accomplishment?

I wasn’t aware I was required to accomplish things on the daily. – Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog

Managing to not crack open the bottle before wine o’clock….in some time zone. – Lynn, The Nomad Mom Diary

I go to work rather than deal with the details of my children, so there is that. Yay me! – Magnolia Ripkin

Not killing or divorcing the Hubs. We work together. From home. All day. All alone. Just the two of us. There are days the sound of his breathing irritates me and I know the feeling is mutual. – Jen, People I Want To Punch In The Throat

Q: If you could sing one song on American Idol, what would it be?

Oh, hayle naw. I only sing in the shower and even then I want to gouge out my own ears. –Stephanie, When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

True story:  I once brought the house down in a bar in Antigua with my rendition of “Hopelessly Devoted To You” to Hubby on his 40th. I’m kind of a big deal at Sandals. – Christine, Keeper of The Fruit Loops

Q: When was the last time you cried?

Last week when both my girls were hysterical because I packed the wrong lunch in the wrong box. They switched boxes without looking inside and both hated what the other had, so they didn’t eat. Looking forward to puberty. – Stacey, Nurse Mommy Laughs

At “The Lego Movie.” Shut up, you don’t know my life. – Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog

I spilled milk the other day. – Ellen, Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Q: What’s the best gift you’ve given? Received?

Does birth control count as a gift? – Leanne, Ironic Mom

The best gift I ever got was earrings from my husband because they were the super cheap ones, proving that he listened when I said I’d smother him in his sleep if he spent a bunch of money. – Robyn, Hollow Tree Ventures

Q. What do you think about when you are alone in your car?

If the other drivers truly appreciate how incredibly frustrating they are. Also? If I rear-ended the asshole in front of me who doesn’t understand how to use a turn signal, exactly how much trouble would I be in? –Stephanie, When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

I finish arguments with more witty comebacks than I did in real life. – Rebecca, Frugalista Blog

I am rarely ever alone in the car, but when I am I think of nothing until I realize that I am still playing the children’s CD and then I wonder how the hell I didn’t notice for 20 blocks. – Kathy, Kissing the Frog

Q:  What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever lost?

My dignity – when delivering my children. –Andrea, The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

I still miss my first husband. He was about 180 pounds of pussy. I like the new one better. – Magnolia Ripkin

It’s not the biggest, but it’s the weirdest. TWICE in my life I have returned from somewhere with only one shoe. – Meredith, From Meredith to Mommy

Q:  What was the last thing you splurged on?

An electric grill thing for the kitchen, because my husband does all the cooking and I want it to be as easy and pleasant as possible so I don’t have to start doing it again.  – Robyn, Hollow Tree Ventures

I bought myself a Nespresso machine. I said it was for the family. I lied. –Rebecca, Frugalista Blog

An iPad Mini for my son’s birthday. To avoid having a party at Bounce U. -Bethany, I Love Them the Most When They’re Sleeping

Q:  What was the last good deed you did?

They were out of carts in Walmart, so I went out to the parking lot and got not only one, nay, I got five and passed them out like they were quarters and I was the Tooth Fairy. Coincidentally, the Tooth Fairy gets a lot of business from the citizens of Walmart. – Ellen, Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

I offered to pay for a woman’s prescription. Not because I’m a good person, but because she was holding up the line because her card kept getting declined and I needed to get home. – Deva, My Life Suckers


Of course this is just a small sampling, but you can read more about the book and all it’s contributors when you go to Amazon to preorder.

For now, just know that your good deed of the day is coming to this blog and reading my stuff. I appreciate your support and the fact that you encourage my ramblings, overlooking the fact I probably have a dryer sheet in my sleeve or a streak of hummus in my hair.

OK. That’s as mushy as I get.

So go buy the book and enjoy this elite group of successful, talented and hilarious women that let me call them my friends—and reveal their lady parts with you.

Like the blog? Buy the books!

I Just Want To Be Alone

I have an Olympic recap post I was going to put up today, but that will have to wait a day or two. Why? Because remember when I said I have a few cool things coming up to share in the next couple of months?

Well, this book is one of them.

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I didn’t know I could tell you about this already so I’ve been keeping it all to myself—much like my stash of hummus and emotional availability—but it’s now available for pre-order on Amazon. That means I can tell you and you can pre-order it and we can all read the book and laugh and laugh and then live happily ever after.

So what is this book about, you ask?

Since you asked, I can tell you that it’s the second volume in the best-selling “I Just Want to Pee Alone”series that sold almost 25,000 copies since being released in 2013.

But while that one was about motherhood—something I am as knowledgeable about as nuclear fission —this one is about relationships with the opposite sex, something I’m also not qualified to write about but did anyway.

From Amazon:

“Don’t get us wrong, we love the men in our lives – we do (most of the time). It’s just that sometimes we would like them to go away. Not forever or anything like that. Just for an hour … or a day … or a weekend. We want some time to ourselves to read a good book or take a walk or do anything other than try to make a dent in the never ending mound of dirty clothes that keeps piling up on his side of the bed. We just want to be alone. All alone. Is that too much to ask?

‘I Just Want to Be Alone’ is a collection of humorous essays from 37 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the Web.”

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See? Proof. Great company.

The release date is March 22, but as the handy graphic above indicates, you can pre-order now and then have the anticipation of waiting for the actual day to arrive. It’s like Christmas in March, which isn’t that hard to imagine seeing as we’re in the middle of another freaking Polar Vortex over here.

This winter is never going to end. Ever. Never ever.

And I’ll be sure to remind you of this again in the next couple of weeks, but not in that annoying way that makes you roll your eyes, unsubscribe and watch videos of armadillos dancing to Michael Jackson instead of reading my blog.

Then again, future posts include my plans to retire on game show winnings and an ode to asparagus, so I guess I really wouldn’t blame you.

ABBY HEUGEL in I Just Want to Be Alone

(Thank you to Kim for the graphic about my story.)

My point is that I’m honored and humbled to be in such great company and can’t wait to read all the other essays as well—alone, of course—and I encourage you all to go do the same.

(And then watch videos of armadillos dancing to Michael Jackson because honestly, that crap is great.)

Like the blog? Buy the books.

A League of Our Own and a Giveaway

Not to be annoyingly vague, but I have a couple cool things coming up on the blog in the next couple of months that are really no doing of my own.

Some people asked me to contribute to a couple of neat projects and after looking over both of my shoulders to make sure they were talking to me—and that they were sober—I humbly accepted their offers.

The first really cool thing is that Noa, famed blogger from “Oh Noa” who founded the League of Funny Bitches, asked me and other uber-cool blogger, Jen Reinmuth from “Jen e sais quoi,” to be part of her revamped blog platform and join the LOFB Council (warning: contains adult language.)

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You can read about it on Noa’s blog, but basically every month we’re going to choose a topic and tear it apart, top to bottom, in our Fearless, Fierce, Funny ways through writing, art, video, podcasting and whatever else we think up. We’ll introduce you to other women who bring that theme to life, and then the next month we’ll choose a new one and start all over again.

Why?

We’re over people getting torn down for comedic purposes, and it seems like that’s the most prevalent form of comedy today—at least if you want to “go viral.”  That’s not who we are, and that’s not who we’re going to be. We own our life stories. We might struggle, but we have no shame and know the value of our worth.

We’re funny. We’re fierce. We’re fearless.

I’m working on that last one, which brings me to the topic for this month—Enough. My monthly “slot” is Wednesday— that sounds much dirtier than I intended—and I’m telling you all this so I don’t have to explain it again every time.

Deal? Deal.

And because I haven’t done a giveaway in a while and I want to kiss up to you people so you NEVER LEAVE ME — Subscribe! Follow me on Facebook and Twitter! Buy me a puppy! — we’ll do that today, too.

If you don’t have a copy of my second book yet and want one—or even if you don’t want one, you weirdo—just tell me what kind of “F” you would use to describe yourself (and let’s keep it clean, people.) Funny? Frugal? Food-covered?

Crap. I just described myself once again.

Anyway,  I’ll randomly pick a winner on Friday and let you know via email. Until then, go out and “F” the world, my friends!

You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth

I originally had a different post planned for today, but that will have to wait a couple of days.

Why, you ask?

Because instead I have a very cool thing to tell you about that I didn’t know I could tell you about already. I’ve been keeping it all to myself, much like my stash of hummus and emotional availability, but it’s being released today so I can tell you and that’s what you’re getting today.

FrontCOVER_forKINDLE I’m part of another super funny book!

You can read the details about it here, but here’s the description from Amazon to pique your interest:

“Thank God for girlfriends and shared visits to powder rooms! That’s always been the concept behind our website InThePowderRoom.com where we’ve been entertaining women with our humor and bold, brave honesty since 2009. Now we’re taking it to the next level with an anthology of original short stories from some of the wittiest women writers we know—stories they would only tell their closest friends, most likely from within the haven of a ladies’ room.

Inside you’ll find 39 (mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women—bodily changes, relationships, careers, motherhood, aging, illness, and more—written with the humor and grit that proudly sets In The Powder Room apart. But be forewarned: we’re holding nothing back. We’re revealing our deep dark secrets—because it’s through our most vulnerable and honest moments that we forge the strongest connections and discover we aren’t so alone after all.

You have a gimpy boob? Me too. You think glitter is the herpes of the craft world? Me too! You got your fishnet-clad leg stuck to your head on stage in front of thousands of people? Wait…what? OMG. Tell me everything! We are your friends, sisters, mothers, and daughters. Regardless of what life has dished up for you, chances are, we’ve been there and we can relate. We’ll help you laugh it off, or hold your hand until you’re ready to laugh again. And we promise: we’ll always tell you when you have lipstick on your teeth.”

To be honest, I’m really not sure why I’m part of it. Now I’m not being humble or anything, but I don’t even own a tube of lipstick and only have one “real” bra that fits that I wear out of social convention and not physical necessity.

In other words, I’m not a girly-girl.

Wait. Now that I think about it, maybe they only invited me to make themselves look a bit better. Like how I always feel really super pretty when I walk out of Wal-Mart given the fact that I have all my teeth and only one chin.

Oh well.

Even if I’m there just to balance things out, the point is that I’m in this book with a group of talented, hilarious women and you need to go check it out. I can’t promise that you’ll feel pretty, but I can promise that you will laugh—probably at our expense.

Like the blog? Buy the books!

Inconsequential Dilemmas and a Giveaway!

There are many serious decisions in life that have to be made—what job to take, house to buy or brand of hummus to commit to—but those are few and far between. It’s the day-to-day decisions that rattle my brain—like if I should tell a co-worker she has spinach in her teeth or assume that she’s just showing off.

That decision is usually based on my level of familiarity with said co-worker. If she’s a friend, I’m pointing it out. If she’s the one who ordered cheaper plastic spoons for the kitchen, I stay quiet and debate whether to file a complaint for emotional distress or just quit and go home.

I have standards.

I also have other inconsequential dilemmas:

Once in awhile I like to buy a $1 scratch-off lottery ticket as part of my “5 Year Plan” for independent wealth and success. However, it’s very important to pick the right one. Do I want “Crazy 8s” that promises I can win up to five times or do I want “Cash for Life” that has a maximum jackpot of $5,000 compared to only $4,000 for the others?

Even though I would be thrilled to win $5 on either, I feel this decision could greatly impact my future and ponder my options again. It’s quite a dilemma.


Do I want my dishes to smell like Passionfruit Burst, Antibacterial Action or Gentle Summer Rain? Wouldn’t a summer rain smell kind of like worms? These are the questions I ask while I stand in the aisle and pick out my dish soap.


Then there are times when I debate whether or not I need to change the toilet paper roll.  As I sit there on the can, I often rationalize that there are probably enough sheets to get me through a couple more bladder evacuations, but that there’s also a new roll right behind me on the back of the toilet.

So do I go ahead and proactively switch out the roll and balance the old one on top of the new or wait until the old roll completely runs out? (One thing never in question is that it unrolls from the top, not the bottom.


What about multiple sightings? It seems whenever I run into someone at the grocery store, in the hallway, etc., I will continue to run into that person multiple times in the following minutes. The first time around, a “hello” is normal, but what about subsequent run-ins? If I just talked to you in produce, do I have to talk to you again in the cereal aisle?


And finally, do I keep $50 worth of snarky Knock Knock stuff for myself or offer it to my readers? Hilarious Post-Its? Journals? Books? Cards? I would totally hoard it, but in the interest of increasing my positive karma, instead I will offer it up.

Why?

Because Knock Knock knows our lives are composed of stupid decisions, which is why I’ve been a fan of theirs for years. Plus, it’s cool stuff and I always wish I could give something back to you guys because I kind of like (most of) you.

This includes everything from the “Inconsequential Dilemma” book that inspired this post to the WTF Nifty Notes, How to Traumatize Your Children book and the Passive-Aggressive Memo Pad.

So if you want $50 worth of their product—winner’s choice—here’s how to enter*:

1.You don’t have to jump through hoops or sing my praises from the mountain tops (although hoop jumping and sharing this post is not discouraged.) Just leave a comment about your own “inconsequential dilemma” below.

P.S. I will also throw in a copy of my book if the winner doesn’t have it already—and you know who you are. Yes…you.

*Entries must be in by 11:59 pm on July 19. I’ll pick the winner at random using Random.org and will announce the winner thereafter. Giveaway is open and offered only to legal residents of the fifty (50) United States, including the District of Columbia.

So spill it. What’s your inconsequential dilemma?

The Internship

Thank you for you interest in becoming my editorial intern. I realize this is a slightly unconventional position, but I need help with some things and you need the college credit, so it’s really a win-win!

Now let’s get this interview started.

Before my illustrious career as an editor for employment and blogger for enjoyment, I was an intern myself. Twice!

My experiences were the semester before I graduated from college. I moved to the mystical city of Detroit for six months to be a Publishing/New Media intern for the Detroit Red Wings. Being a HUGE puck head myself, it was pretty much an awesome experience.

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I was Editorial Assistant for this hardcover publication. Cool book.

When I returned I was a Media Relations intern for the professional minor league hockey team in my home town. Neither of these positions paid, so working 40 hours a week for no money was a great way to prepare me for my future career as a writer.

This is where I should mention that this position doesn’t pay either, at least monetarily, but the experience will be priceless.

I spent my intern days compiling 4,000 trivia questions about hockey (not an exaggeration), running stats to scouts and stuffing sub sandwiches into rockets to be launched into the seats during games, but my intern will be doing more practical things.

As a mentor, I want to help you live the life of a successful writer so you might one day do your online shopping using the “Price High to Low” option instead of the other way around.

We all need to have goals.

I’m sure they taught you all the “book” things about writing you think you’ll need in the real world, but writing only gets you so far. The rules have changed and it’s actually much less about what you write than the things you do before and after you write.

So I will prepare you for the real world by asking you do a lot of work in order for me to reap the rewards and become successful without giving you very much credit. But again, great for the résumé!

Expected Duties

If you want to “go viral,” just writing something of quality won’t get you anywhere. So my intern will focus on deciphering electronic ebonics—LMAO, SMH, etc.— composing ridiculous lists for Buzzfeed and creating a new Internet sensation/meme that involves a moody cat wearing clothes. It can also be another small mammal, but cats seem to be a big hit.

During the summer months you’re required to mow my lawn at least once a week. There is no additional compensation for this, but I promise to look out the window and give you a “thumbs up.” 

Some of my followers forget to retweet everything I’ve ever tweeted, which is weird, so you’re required to retweet and “like” everything that I post on social media. If we’re together in person, simply ring a little bell every time I crack a joke.

If (when) you notice I have food in my hair or on my shirt, please let me know. I hate to see food go to waste.

Answer the phone with, “Can I take your order?” instead of “hello” to see if it helps to sell books. Also walk around the city reading passages out loud, laugh and suggest that they all buy the books.

Every Sunday you have to come over, brush my hair and yell at squirrels with me because it’s Sunday and we all need to unwind. YOLO! (See? I’m already using electronic ebonics — this is your first test.)


So as you can see, the experience will be invaluable and guarantees you probably might be able to get a semi-decent job five to 10 years after the completion of your education.

By the way, do you do toilets?

Like the blog? Buy the NEW 5-star rated book!

P.S. Google Reader is now a thing of the past, so be sure to subscribe to this blog via email or follow me on Facebook or Twitter (buttons up there on the page.) Unless you want to break up. Then I guess you have your excuse.

Why Write?

Disappointment isn’t something that I deal with well. More often than not I keep things behind the scenes, but occasionally whining slips out—as evidenced by this post I’ve written and quickly put up before I could go and delete it.

But I’ve been thinking I need a new hobby. This writing thing has been great and I truly enjoy it, but the disappointment and rejection tend to build and create this volcano of frustration and self-doubt that threatens to erupt when even the garbage man refuses to buy my new book.

YOU CAN READ IT WHILE YOU’RE ON THE CRAPPER, YOU FOOL!

Anyway, I have a couple humor-centric posts coming soon, but that’s where my head is. Stuck up my butt in a constant loop of defeat, researching ways to make creative doilies out of cat hair and perfecting my pitch for “Shark Tank.”

But a friend—a writer friend—alerted me to something she had recently read that might resonate, and yes, yes it did. It’s an introduction to “Why We Write: 20 Acclaimed Writers on How and Why They Do What They Do” by editor Meredith Maran.

Below is part of what she had to say:

“Why do writers write? Anyone who’s ever sworn at a blinking cursor has asked herself that question at some point. Or at many, many points.

When the work is going well, and the author is transported, fingers flying under the watchful eye of the muse, she might wonder, as she takes her first sip of the coffee she poured and forgot about hours ago, ‘How did I get so lucky, that this is what I get to do?’

And then there are the less rapturous writing days or weeks or decades, when the muse is injured on the job and leaves the author sunk to the armpits in quicksand, and every word she types or scribbles is wrong, wrong, wrong, and she cries out to the heavens, ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’

It’s a curiosity in either case. Why do some people become neurosurgeons, dental hygienists, investment bankers, while others choose an avocation that promises only poverty, rejection, and self-doubt? Why do otherwise rational individuals get up every morning – often very, very early in the morning, before the sun or the family or the day job calls – and willingly enter the cage?

Is it the triumph of seeing one’s words in print? Statistics show this isn’t a reasonable incentive. According to the website Publishing Explained, more than one million manuscripts are currently searching for a U.S. publisher. One percent of these will get the nod.

Nor can we credit the satisfaction of a job well done. As the ever-cheerful Oscar Wilde put it, “Books are never finished. They are merely abandoned.” Only 30 percent of published books turn a profit, so we can rule out material motivation. God knows it can’t be for the boost in self-esteem. To paraphrase Charlie Chaplin’s depiction of actors, ‘Writers search for rejection. If they don’t get it, they reject themselves.’

Why, then, does anyone write? Unlike performing brain surgery, cleaning teeth, or trading books, anyone can pick up a yellow pad or a laptop or a journal and create a poem or a story or a memoir. And, despite the odds against attaining the desired result, many, many people do. We fill our journals and write our novels and take our writing classes. We read voraciously, marveling at the sentences and characters and plot twists our favorite authors bestow upon us. How do they do it? we ask ourselves. And why?”

In 2001, naturalist Terry Tempest Williams addressed the question in “Why I Write” in Northern Lights magazine.

“I write to make peace with the things I cannot control. I write to create fabric in a world that often appears black and white. I write to discover. I write to uncover. I write to meet my ghosts. I write to begin a dialogue. I write to imagine things differently and in imagining things differently perhaps the world will change.”

I don’t know if I would go as far as to say I write in hopes the world will change, but I suppose I write in hopes that my world will change in some way. Writing gives me an escape, and although at times it feels like it makes me a prisoner to my head and leaves me at the mercy of readers who might not be there, I come back. Every day I come back to the words.

And I promise words with less weight in the future, but I just had to vent. Today, that’s what writing is for (the doilies will just have to wait.)

If you write, why do you write? If you read, why do you read?

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book here. Why? It has stories about drunk nuns, Vanilla Ice and adventures at the ATM. Plus, you’ll be cooler than my garbage man. 

Talking Dirty

If you’re new here, I should tell you that I love my garden and flowers.

The OCD in me takes immense pleasure in dead-heading petunias, picking green beans and pulling out weeds (in both my yard and any other surface that makes me feel twitchy—it’s actually really a curse.)

While Michigan weather is unpredictable, it’s usually a safe bet that you can start planting things any time after Memorial Day, which means we’re getting down and dirty around Chez Abby these days.

But a few trips to the greenhouse and Home Depot combined with my useless need to make puns have enlightened (questionable word choice) me to the fact that the simple act of gardening could also be a great bed to plant the seeds for a budding romance—or at least leaf a good first impression.

So if you’re someone like me whose relationship status is often: “Drunk on allergy medication and just cleaned out the cat’s crap box,” this guide might be just what you need to get down and dirty.

Get Down and Dirty

The most important thing to remember is that no trip to Home Depot (or similar home improvement store that will make you feel like you need all new handles for your cabinets) is official until you loudly proclaim either, “I just want a good stud finder!” or “Where my hose at?”

This establishes your mission—not to simply find tools or get kelp for your yard, but to find someone who will be mowtivated to maybe plant one on you (wink, wink.)

When approached by a possible suitor, be sure to lure them over to the gardening section, as making initial contact around the nails, caulk and nipples is a bit too forward these days—and the puns are entirely too obvious. You’re screwed.

See? Way too obvious.

Once you’ve secured your position in the Garden Center, casually mention that you’re an entre-manure who wants to create Miracle-Gro for small boobs. If they don’t get your humor, move on, as brilliance cannot be wasted on those who can’t till it like it is.

But what’s that, you say? They dug what you said?

Then with the fertile groundwork planted, continue to cultivate the conversation by sharing that although you’re “a bit rough around the hedges, you’re really a kick in the plants” or that you “just finished trimming your bush and are looking for veggies that will ex-seed all your expectations.”

They will probably counter with something that sounds like, “Umm…I’m rooting for you—ha, ha—but I thought you were looking for the aisle that contained cow shit for your garden.” That should be interpreted as, “I think that weed make a great pair.”

But if you’re forced to leave without your stud finder or hose, don’t feel too bad. Remember, it’s the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and at the end of the day, you’re still single and ready to shingle.

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And of course, there’s no place like gnome.

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book!

Thanks again to everyone who has shared and will continue to share—hint, hint—the news about my new book. If you read it and don’t hate it, I would love for you to write an Amazon review. If you hated it, then you probably hate my blog. And raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but that’s okay. Some people are weird. Don’t feel bad.

Anyway, the winner of the Amazon gift card as chosen by random.org is Marie! I’ll send you an email today.

Spring Word Search

This isn’t a “real” post.

Well, technically it is considering that I wrote words and published it here, but the “real” post will come on Tuesday, so be prepared for mild amusement and/or disappointment and the winner of my giveaway.

Yes, the giveaway!

The real reason for this post that isn’t really a post is to remind you to 1) read my last post 2) humor me by possibly buying the book and 3) leave a comment so you can be entered to win the Amazon gift card.

With your “to-do” clearly established, I will also add that I wrote this post that isn’t really a post is to 4) thank everyone who HAS read, shared and commented on my last post and 5) welcome all the new followers as a result of those shares and a magical alignment of the stars.

Because I’m saving a “real” post for Tuesday—good lord, I better make sure I have a post done by Tuesday—I thought today would be a good time to do another “Word Search” post.

For the uninitiated, I get some very random and often humorous search terms that lead to my blog. Sometimes I can tell what post led them here, but sometimes I’m confused and a little bit disturbed.

For example, I’m not sure what it means that “emotional constipation” has shown up on the list more than once, but I don’t feel like that’s very favorable for me. Actually, it’s not very favorable for whoever is Googling “emotional constipation.” They really should start up a blog.

Anyway, I present the latest Word Search installment (with my notes in parenthesis.)

  • I’ve got on my big girl panties, bitch bra and shitkicker boots
  • I wish it were socially acceptable to hibernate (whoever Googled this—we should be friends)
  • Fine, whatever. I’ll just date myself.
  • I love stickers and raccoons hunting with pellet guns (who doesn’t?)
  • Peegret—when you wish you would have gone to the bathroom before you left
  • I have to be naked when I drive
  • Banana clips or Polish babushkas? (Forget the meaning of life. This is the important stuff, people.)
  • Woman cites “He hit ‘reply all’” as reason for insanity. Judge accepts plea.
  • Vanilla Ice in a thong
  • Traveling gnomes using the squatty potty and avocado cutters (at the same time?)
  • I wrote “bitch” in my GPS and it lead me to your driveway (I saw you pull in and dove behind the couch)
  • My grandma is totes cray-cray (probably because you use the words “totes” and “cray-cray,” which technically aren’t even real words)
  • My dog calms down after I put a dress on her (please send pictures)
  • I would exercise but it makes me spill my drink
  • I like putting on a show for the neighbor lady with my tater tots (let’s assume tater tots is NOT a euphemism for anything else, shall we?)
  • Boy squirrel glued in a French maid dress cleaning the house (is this a thing? I would totally sign up for that.)
  • I’ll be your dork

I will be your dork for as long as you guys will put up with me. And if you’ve put up with me all the way to the end of this post that isn’t really a post, I will remind you again to enter the giveaway and then come back next time when one person will be announced the winner and everyone else will be disappointed and probably never visit again.

But for now, enjoy your weekend. Unless you’re the person who Googled “I want to nurture Martha Stewart and help her with her bra wedgie.”

In that case, you’re on your own.

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