Tag Archives: blog terms

Be Mine

I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention Valentine’s Day—that holiday in between Christmas and Mother’s Day that card and flower companies use to guilt people into spending more money in an effort to show that they care.

I know. I’m a hopeless romantic.

But to be honest, even though I’m single and not willing to mingle, I really don’t mind Valentine’s Day. I like the decorations, the fact that I have a reason to bake and the image of a meddlesome cherub flying around armed with a weapon.

So to celebrate the holiday this year, I’ve decided to forgo sending myself a heartfelt card and instead explore a few viable Valentine options. (Food and drink suitors were excluded, as those are obviously tops on my list.)

My Shovel

We have been spending a great deal of intimate time together these past couple of months. It hasn’t been easy, but I have to admit that the shovel’s icy demeanor is oddly compatible to my own. Together we have made the neighbors jealous with our quick and thorough removal of things in our way—mostly large amounts of snow—which left me feeling slightly superior and a little bit cold.

602755_528126763899213_2038998642_n

Okay. Mostly cold.

And while I get the feeling that as soon as things heat up it’ll be gone, I’m okay with the seasonal nature of our relationship. I like my space…and being warm.

My Couch

If by “afternoon delight” you mean coming home after work, watching “Ellen,” plodding away on the computer and then eating, we have a serious thing going and have for some time.

Our love is nothing new — my couch gets me, it really gets me. While it took me a long to let myself literally settle down and relax, I now find comfort—and often a stray piece of broccoli — in the confines of the cushions.

Scentsy

We were introduced this past Christmas by my mom, and given my love for smelly things and not being left in the dark, this combination nightlight/air freshener is basically all that is proper and good in this world. Never fussy, never needy, a simple flip of the switch radiates both light and light scents. I have to admit that I’m smitten.

Uncle June

This cranky bastard is still hanging around, and while he’s a good backup plan and travel companion, the drunk dials at 2am have seriously got to stop.

june2wine

However, I just can’t deny that creepy little face and the fact that he speaks not a word.

This Blog

We fall in and out of love, usually on a day-to-day basis. At times I feel like I don’t know what I would do without it, while other times I feel like it’s that pain-in-the-ass friend you have to constantly reassure isn’t a huge loser who nobody loves (and that no, their ass doesn’t look big in those pants.)

Our relationship has spanned years of good times and bad and evolved into something I never thought it would—a book, priceless connections, a reason to overshare and broadcast insecure rambles to strangers on the Internet.

But I suppose that’s just how love is—a wonderfully messy mix of delight, frustration and Internet stalking.

I know. I’m a hopeless romantic.

*This post was not sponsored by Scentsy. However, Uncle June slipped me $20 to mention him.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

Who is your Valentine this year?

Advertisements

Word Search Vol. 4

Dear People of the Interwebs,

You never fail to amaze me. Between some of the brilliant blog posts that urge me to think in new ways, the comics that make me laugh and the sports scores that keep me updated, I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.

However, I have to point out that most of you are weirdos. Well, at least those of you who found my blog through a variety of confounding search terms, with only a small set of examples below.

I’ve shared some of those gems a couple of times in the past, but they just keep coming and the few I included below (unedited) are too good to keep to myself.

So People of the Interwebs, thank you for providing me with not only a chuckle at the fact someone landed here by searching “elderly squirrels with no verbal filter,” but also for making me feel like my issues pale in comparison to whoever searched for “busier than a cucumber in a women’s prison.”

Sincerely,

Abby

Word Search, Vol. 3

  • Got bored, searched boobs (*editor’s note: sorry for the disappointment
  • I’m a girl and willing to do anything for Detroit Tiger tickets
  • Mariah Carey in yellow latex
  • I don’t need to kick your ass life will do that for me
  • I would exercise but it makes me spill my drink
  • Squirrels in Polish babushkas
  • Has anyone ever written a letter from the kitten tooth fairy?
  • Naked yoga for elderly people
  • Squirrel with tits after my nuts
  • I don’t usually fart in public but when I do I lean to the left
  • The internet stops me from being productive
  • Squirrel getting a speeding ticket
  • Hold your head high and your middle finger higher
  • I’m starting group meetings at my house for OCD cats
  • The count’s sesame street toga party
  • A gopher mixed with Steven Tyler
  • Victoria’s Secret panty bunch on a fat dog
  • Julia Child/Martha Stewart fight club (*editor’s note: Yes, please)
  • Trippy squirrels do Crossfit nude

And lest you think they’re all a bit off, there was this one:

“Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.”

Now that’s one I need to remember.

Well, that along with “how to be a bossy bitch.” The first one, I’m still working on. The second one, I’ve got covered.

Like the blog? Buy the book.