Tag Archives: beer

Ice Cream Trucks and Wino Wheels


The sound of birds chirping, lawnmowers buzzing and music like “The Entertainer” coming from a janky 1980s model white van driven by a creepy older male trying to lure children to his vehicle in order to sell them sugar-laden treats.

Oh yes, the ice cream truck.

As a kid I can remember the siren song of summer and how we would run outside and try to chase after a moving vehicle in order to procure many of the same frozen treats found in our freezers.

But when you think about it, ice cream trucks were  “trendy” ahead of their time. It’s like some marketing genius thought, “Hey! Just thinking out loud here, but how about a food truck marketed only towards kids! Instead of food, it sells nothing but ice cream!”

Running with the idea, they decided to play kid-friendly music on repeat—including completely nonsensical songs like “La Cucaracha”—and drive by the houses right about the time harried parents are trying to convince their kids that eating the spinach on their plate will make them strong like Popeye.

(Popeye. Another theme song they used. Well-played, Ice Cream Man. Well-played.)

Because kids love anything related to sugar and instant gratification, the ice cream men decided to see just how much they could charge before the BBB got wind of their sleek operation.

A menu of carefully arranged the choices was painted on the side of the truck so that there are the plain popsicles or ice cream sandwiches that cost $2—known as “boring and stupid” by most children—and then, right next to them there are the ones shaped like Hello Kitty or Mickey Mouse with candy eyes and sprinkles for $5.

In other words, the price parents would pay for a whole box of the things. Frozen food truck or wizard on wheels? You be the judge.

But I think they’re really missing another gold opportunity with this one. Apparently when you reach a certain age, it’s “inappropriate” to go running out of the house with a five-spot, pushing small children out of your way in an attempt to flag down the ice cream man for a Bomb Pop.

Who makes up these rules?

Anyway, what they need to do is have a second truck creep about 100 yards behind the ice cream truck. Only this time instead of serving ice cream and blasting “The Entertainer,” this truck serves iced adult beverages and streams Bon Jovi through speakers.

Think about it. Parents will LOVE to hear the ice cream man come down the street and happily let their kids spend $4 for a sherbet push-up if they are secure in the knowledge that a drive-by wine tasting is only a few minutes away.

These Wino Wheels could easily expand their reach by parking down the street from ice cream trucks at youth sporting events, making those outdoor soccer tournaments and softball games a little more tolerable after a swig of chardonnay or a beer.

Everyone can enjoy a cold one of choice.

Happy kids. Happy parents.

Cheers to that!

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Ask Abby Anything

I have a “real” to put up soon, but today I present a completely self-indulgent “Ask Abby Anything” segment. The “TODAY” Show hasn’t called to interview me yet and considering I’m nosy about other people, I thought you might be nosy about me.

Then I realized how vain that sounded and regretted the idea, but it was too late to take it back so I just moped about it for a few days and then decided to shut up and answer your questions instead.

I couldn’t cover them all in this post, so I’ll do the second part shortly—if you don’t find this horribly boring.

Let’s move on.

Surprisingly, the first question wasn’t, “Why do you ramble so much before actually getting to the point?” but rather, “When you write, do you ever feel like any topic is ‘off limits?’ Are there things you want to write about, but shy away from because the blow-back might be too severe?”

Yes and no. I don’t shy away from anything, but at the same time I try to make sure that I’m writing about me more than anyone else. I don’t mean that in a self-centered way, but rather that there are a lot of stories out there that aren’t mine to tell. I have issues—sometimes with other people—but I don’t need to vent that all here. Given the fact that anyone can find anything on the Internet, I also make sure I wouldn’t regret my boss or a relative reading it.

I’ve also changed the direction of my blog a bit in the past year and kind of avoid more serious topics now. For every post that is questionably funny, there are probably 10 “serious” ones that get trashed. I figure everyone has their own crap and gets bored reading about mine all the time. I kind of just want to have fun.

“Have you ever had any funny/awkward interactions from co-workers or other people in your day-to-day life reacting from something they read on your blog?”

Blogging is weird because you never know who has read something. After I published this post, a coworker (with a great sense of humor) made a point to tell me he replaced the paper towel all by himself. There have also been times people have asked me about things I’ve mentioned and I get freaked out until I remember that I blogged about it. It’s nice to know they read, but also weird because I don’t know as much about them.

“When it comes down to brass tacks, do you think beer in the glass or beer in the bottle is more classy?”

I don’t even like beer, which is not a trait I inherited from my mom. However, when I was a cocktail waitress in college I had a woman who insisted I serve her draft beer in a wine glass because she thought it looked classier. Questionable, at best. Final word? I say bottles save you from washing a glass. The end.

“Crunchy peanut butter or smooth? And, more seriously, when did you make the decision to be vegan and why”?

Smooth sunflower seed butter, as I can’t tolerate peanut butter. And while I like almonds, I’m not a huge fan of almond butter.

As for the vegan issue, I rarely ever talk about that here in any depth because I’m not preachy and figure to each their own. The short version is that I was a vegetarian for eight years before I went vegan. My decision was a combination of my own health (another topic in and of itself) and ethics. Once I learned that animal agriculture is responsible for the death of over 56 billion animals worldwide each year–not even counting fish—and that even animals raised under the most “humane” circumstances suffer tremendously, it wasn’t hard to transition.

Given my  history with OCD, exercise and food, veganism also gives me a sense that the food I’m eating has a nutritional and ethical purpose. This helps ease the guilt that has dominated my eating for years and I never feel deprived, only rewarded. A majority of the blogs that I read are vegan/veggie-centered, so if you want recommendations, let me know!

“Why is it you always get the chance to see squirrels dancing? What am I doing wrong?”

I get them drunk on fermented fruit. Also, they signed a contract that barters seeds for a minimum of two hours of entertainment a week.

Stay tuned for part two in which I address hummus, couches and love—and any other questions you want to leave in the comments below. Otherwise, my turn.

“Who is the one person you would like to interview and why?”

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book here. Why? It has stories about drunk nuns, Vanilla Ice and adventures at the ATM. It’s obviously destined to be an American classic.

Liquor Before Beer, Never Fear

There are a lot of people who like beer.


A sign from a bar near my house.  Apparently they didn’t have a liquor license for a bit and were really excited to tell people they got it back.

In fact, a majority of people I know love beer and I’m pretty sure I could have paid for my college tuition with bottle returns from family functions if my crazy uncle didn’t hoard them every time so he could buy batteries for his metal detector.

But I, for one, couldn’t care less about beer. In fact, I’ve never had more than a sip of the stuff and despite the fact that it would be a cheaper option than my Vodka for the couple times a year I have a drink, I have no desire to try and acquire a taste for it.

Is it because I worked as a cocktail waitress the summer of my 21st birthday and the exposure to dollar drafts and douchebags debauchery turned me off?

Possibly, but that didn’t stop me from “sowing my oats” and celebrating that whole summer. I have stories, but I also have memories of having to serve Mexican food while nursing the worst hangover of my life due to an ill-advised Four Horseman shot and half a bottle of Vanilla Stoli after work the night/early morning before at a frat house.

It’s been nine years and I still can’t smell vanilla without getting nauseous.

At any rate, I never took to beer. I also tried to like wine, but it gave me a headache and reminded me of church, which just made me feel guilty on top of feeling hungover.

But that brings me to the stereotypical beer vs. wine person debate.

There used to be this image of beer drinkers being “everyday” blue collar workers asking for Busch in a can at a restaurant and crushing the can on their foreheads, while wine drinkers were women who “did lunch” and requested pinot with their pedicures.

When I was serving I had a woman who always sat on the patio and ordered draft beer in a wine glass because she wanted to drink beer but look classy to the people walking by.

Yes, because fine wine always has a tan hue and a head of foam.

Anyway, at least around my city, microbreweries and beer festivals have been popping up just as much as wine bars and vineyard tours. It’s not just Miller Lite now, but beer with ingredients like fruit, chocolate and coffee, meaning there are more options and more people taking to the hops.

This also means the stereotypical “lines” are blurred and there are now beer snobs and wine pounders, wine snobs and beer pounders, men who drink wine, women who drink beer and that weirdo who will ask for her beer in a wine glass.

I still get confused with all the options and considering the fact that I’ve only tried the crap from the tap and not some hoity-toity mix of hops, I admit I can’t really say I don’t like beer.

However, I don’t think I’m willing to try.

If I’m feeling the need to imbibe, I’ll just spend my money on a Vodka gimlet, fully aware that one is all it takes to turn this lightweight into an (even more) unfiltered karaoke queen ready to perform “Baby Got Back” with the enthusiasm of a used car salesman doing his own commercials.

But if you need to grab a beer—holy s*#t—I can tell you where to find it.

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Side note: If you’re still having a problem leaving comments, here’s a pseduo-explanation from the “Happiness Engineers” at WordPress. My self-esteem is based entirely on external validation (and sarcasm), so let’s get this issue resolved, now shall we?

Word to Your Mother

Although my mom often advised me NOT to go with the crowd (unless they were going somewhere cool), I am going to join the rest of the world in wishing my mom a Happy Mother’s Dayelectronically and through food.


Two generations of trouble and a whole lot of love.

I’ve written about my mom on here before, so if you are late to the game, please take a minute to read it. I’ve also written about my grandma numerous times, so if you are late to the game, she’ll probably kick your ass.

At any rate, my mom doesn’t want to do anything today but relax in the sunshine, watch the game and enjoy some beer and cupcakes. More people should go with that crowd.


Word to my mother, indeed.