Tag Archives: Amazon

Moms Are Nuts

I missed two of my mom’s calls the other day, which meant I assumed the helicopter flying over my house was part of the search crew she called.

Now don’t get me wrong—I love my mom a lot.

After all, she did raise me in the days before she could take to social media and complain about how hard it is to be a mom. In fact, she even did it while going through 13 spinal surgeries and a host of other issues and still managed to raise a highly intelligent dog and then me, a semi-functional/slightly-neurotic daughter who uses her mom for blog fodder from time to time.

Well, this is one of those times.

Why? Because all moms are nuts. Maybe not “dress a dead cat up in a bright red sweater before burying it in the backyard” or “force her daughter to bring a traveling gnome to the theater” nuts like my mom, but in one way or another, they’re all nuts.

If you need proof, I present to you this exciting new book you can buy.

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In fact, you can buy EXTRA copies of it and send it to all the moms out there for Mother’s Day as proof that even the moms of Emmy winners and TV personalities are sometimes bat shit crazy.

The fancy description:

Moms are Nuts is a collection of stories about mothers, grandmothers, mother-in-laws and mother figures who have crossed the paths of some of the wittiest writers and comedians. Laugh your way through 26 brilliant stories… some of which may sound waaaay too familiar.”

And then there’s this from the back cover:

“Emmy winners, magazine editors, comedians, TV personalities, bestselling authors and social media superstars team up to bring you a laugh-out-loud book not about being a mom, but about having a mom, grandmom or mom-figure. And while it’s not OK for someone else to make yo-momma jokes about your momma, it is perfectly healthy even downright hilarious to find the humor in your own upbringing. In fact, these writers highly recommend it. So if you think your mom is nuts, pull up a chair. You’re in good company.”

Who are some of these people?

Only the likes of Gloria Fallon, Suzy Soro, Amy Vansant and Wendi Aarons, among a bunch of other people with a well-established resume of success despite—and even possibly as a result of—the mother figure in their lives.

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Oh yeah. I’m in there, too.

For all of the details, you can check out the website and then head on over to Amazon to buy the ALL the copies in paperback and Kindle! Not only will you laugh and feel a bit normal, but you can add a copy of “I Just Want to be Alone” and have your Mother’s Day shopping done.

And if you have wrapping paper left over from Christmas, use that to wrap it up in. This will show your mom that not only do you have a sense of humor, but also a deep devotion to recycling and being earth-friendly.

Win-win!

So if you love your mother, be sure to pick this book up. Either as a token of your affection, or as a way to distract yourself when she’s 15 minutes into making a “long story short” on the phone.

You’ll thank me later.

Like the blog? Buy the books!

P.S. A reminder that Facebook is limiting what you see, so if you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

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I Just Want To Be Alone

I have an Olympic recap post I was going to put up today, but that will have to wait a day or two. Why? Because remember when I said I have a few cool things coming up to share in the next couple of months?

Well, this book is one of them.

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I didn’t know I could tell you about this already so I’ve been keeping it all to myself—much like my stash of hummus and emotional availability—but it’s now available for pre-order on Amazon. That means I can tell you and you can pre-order it and we can all read the book and laugh and laugh and then live happily ever after.

So what is this book about, you ask?

Since you asked, I can tell you that it’s the second volume in the best-selling “I Just Want to Pee Alone”series that sold almost 25,000 copies since being released in 2013.

But while that one was about motherhood—something I am as knowledgeable about as nuclear fission —this one is about relationships with the opposite sex, something I’m also not qualified to write about but did anyway.

From Amazon:

“Don’t get us wrong, we love the men in our lives – we do (most of the time). It’s just that sometimes we would like them to go away. Not forever or anything like that. Just for an hour … or a day … or a weekend. We want some time to ourselves to read a good book or take a walk or do anything other than try to make a dent in the never ending mound of dirty clothes that keeps piling up on his side of the bed. We just want to be alone. All alone. Is that too much to ask?

‘I Just Want to Be Alone’ is a collection of humorous essays from 37 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the Web.”

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See? Proof. Great company.

The release date is March 22, but as the handy graphic above indicates, you can pre-order now and then have the anticipation of waiting for the actual day to arrive. It’s like Christmas in March, which isn’t that hard to imagine seeing as we’re in the middle of another freaking Polar Vortex over here.

This winter is never going to end. Ever. Never ever.

And I’ll be sure to remind you of this again in the next couple of weeks, but not in that annoying way that makes you roll your eyes, unsubscribe and watch videos of armadillos dancing to Michael Jackson instead of reading my blog.

Then again, future posts include my plans to retire on game show winnings and an ode to asparagus, so I guess I really wouldn’t blame you.

ABBY HEUGEL in I Just Want to Be Alone

(Thank you to Kim for the graphic about my story.)

My point is that I’m honored and humbled to be in such great company and can’t wait to read all the other essays as well—alone, of course—and I encourage you all to go do the same.

(And then watch videos of armadillos dancing to Michael Jackson because honestly, that crap is great.)

Like the blog? Buy the books.

Abby Still Has Issues and a Giveaway!

I wrote another book.

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You probably have questions, like “Why in the world did you think that’s a good idea?” “Why should anyone buy this? and “How did it feel to find a picture of yourself as a toddler in a bathing suit and realize your boobs are still the same size?”

Well—you little ray of sunshine, you—perhaps writing this book wasn’t a good idea and maybe no one will buy it. But people actually buy Snuggies, so I figured it was worth giving it a go once again.

I say “again” because there are a few of you out there I roped  into buying my first book (or that found it propping open the door of a portable toilet at a campground somewhere in the rural Midwest) who read it and might decide to give this one a go in the comfort of indoor plumbing.

If you do, I thank you in advance for reading this book, the second compilation of neurotic essays from this blog.

(“Neurotic,” not “erotic,” although if that will help sell some copies, I can try and slip in a few pictures of me longingly gazing at a new jar of vegan pesto or something equally lusty. Just let me know.)

Will anyone buy it? I don’t know.

But I’ve had at least 12 people ask me to write another book, and 7 of them weren’t even related to me or drunk at the time of request. Because I’m a people pleaser when that pleasing will validate my many insecurities, I decided to cater to my audience of dozens.

You’re welcome Mom and that creepy guy from Facebook.

Actually, I did it because writing is the one thing I really take pride in, the thing that keeps me afloat when I feel like I can barely keep my head above water (ahem, every day.) So while this book is far from perfect or fancy—much like me, it has some issues — if I can share a little humor with even a dozen people that I am or am not related to that are either sober or half in the bag, then it’s been worth it to me.

And I hope it’s worth it to you.

But if you hate this new book, I suggest you drink while reading it or use it to prop open the door of a portable toilet at a campground somewhere for someone to find.

I’m all about paying it forward.


Speaking of which, here’s the deal.

First, you buy this book HERE in paperback,  HERE in Kindle or out of the back of my car if you see me in person. Then you share this post via Twitter, Facebook, running up and down the street yelling that you just bought a book, etc.  Finally, leave a comment below telling me what you did or plan to do.*

Why?

Because you’ll be entered in a random drawing for a $20 Amazon gift card you can use to buy another copy of my book (since you’re buying it right now) or a life-sized Justin Bieber cutout. Your call. I won’t judge…that much.

I will announce the winner in a post on June 4, so get thee to the Amazon.com!

*If you don’t plan on doing anything but still want to leave a comment, that’s fine. But if you win, I will demand that the gift card can only be used to buy a life-sized Justin Bieber cutout. Although future posts here include underwear and pick-up lines at Home Depot,  I do have some dignity, my friends.

Buy the Book. Save a Kitten

I’ve had a lot of people tell me I should write a book. And while I don’t like people telling me what to do, once in a great while I will humor them.

So I wrote a book.

You should probably buy it

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Thank you to Amy for her help with the covers.

Before you go thinking anything fancy, let me tell you that it’s self-published and the whole process has take more time and energy (and money) than I planned on. The pictures aren’t exactly stellar and I’m sure there’s at least one rogue punctuation mark somewhere.

But I decided I wanted a collection of my words I could hold in my hand and give to my mom,  something I couldn’t accidentally delete while looking for a vegan cheesecake recipe on the Internet.

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This is the front and back cover and it looks better in person, so you should probably just buy it.

So, the result is this book—150 pages of posts from the past two years that you can read while you’re on the crapper, either in paperback or Kindle format from the CreateSpace store orAmazon.

But that’s not the cool thing.

The cool thing is that if you buy this book, you can help save a shelter animal (this is where the kitten and/or dog and/or one-eyed hamster come in.)

I didn’t publish this book to try and make money, as that is a laughable notion. I published it so I could share my crazy view on things and maybe make you laugh, smile or feel a bit more normal. So if you invest a little bit of time and money into reading it, I will give a little bit of time and money back.

Any profits that are made from this book will go directly into an “Animals Have Issues” fund for the Humane Society and used to fund our annual gift.

You know I love my shelter animals, and more than 8 million animals enter shelters every year. As you know, you get what you give, and for the cost of some overpriced coffee, you can get something cool and give back something tangible (and avoid having to listen to someone in front of you order a half-caff, skim, sugar-free, extra hot mocha with 1 3/4 pumps of calorie-free syrup, extra oxygen and 75 sprinkles.)

So with a click of the mouse, a sharing/StumblingUpon/Tweet of this post, we can build up some kick-ass support for some animals that, well, have issues of their own and need some help.

Sound like a plan?

So in case you’re like me and need things spelled out for you:

  1. Buy the book either here or here and the Kindle version here
  2. Tell a friend or ten
  3. Write a review on Amazon and help me get the word out
  4. Save a kitten and a puppy and some abandoned one-eyed hamster
  5. Enter the pantheon of awesomeness

Disclaimer: Amazon is still building the page, so there’s no description or “look inside” feature yet, but you can still buy it and I’ll update this when it’s done.

Also, I’m still trying to figure out how to pimp the book out with a picture/link on the front of my blog. It seems WordPress doesn’t allow the convenient link from Amazon, so I’m trying to figure out an alternative without violence (help!)

I promise not to hit you over the head with this for too long—I’ll be back to my regularly rambling neurosis soon enough.

But for now?

I wrote a book.

It’s the holiday season and this makes a fast and easy gift.

You should probably buy it. 

Buy the book. Save a kitten.  

*Press materials available upon request