Tag Archives: advertising

Take a Load Off

Are you sitting down for this one?

If you are, you’re probably doing it wrong, at least according to this ad I found in the back of a magazine last month.

squattypotty

According to the website—yes, I went to the website to see if this was a real thing—“It is Squatty Potty’s goal to change the way we poop, one ‘stool’ at a time.”

Doctors have deduced that “The ideal posture for defecation is the squatting position. In this way the capacity of the abdominal cavity is greatly diminished and intra-abdominal pressure increased thus encouraging expulsion.”

Enter Squatty Potty—and someone wearing white pants who looks really happy about encouraged expulsion.

squattyconcepts-01

But that’s not all!

“This sturdy, custom-designed stool allows for full squatting and semi-squat seated positions on your existing toilets. And, when it’s not in use, it slides conveniently out of the way under the toilet.”

Now I’ve had my fair share of “elimination issues” throughout the years as a result of IBS and the abuse I put my poor body through, so I’m not poo-pooing this invention at all. I say do whatever you need to do (safely) to literally get your crap done.

But because I’m currently feeling about as mature as a 12-year-old boy, I got a kick out of reading these testimonials:

“I now always have a complete elimination every time—something I rarely had before. I dropped a few pounds as well and my stomach isn’t bloated. (LOL – guess I was full of shit.) My Asian friend also told me that short people (and children) are more affected by the damage caused by not squatting. Makes sense because I’m a petite woman—only 5’3″.

Perfect testimony combining racial references, a groan-worthy pun and the overuse of “text” speak.

“Now with my knees up, I’m knockin’ poops outta the ball park! The only fiber I need now is already in this sturdy pressed wood stool.”

For some reason I picture the person who said this to be a someone like Cousin Eddie who would slap his knee and say, “Shitter was full!”

“I lived for a year in India with a hybrid squatter/sitter toilet in my home and got used to the ultra-natural elimination that comes with hunkering down. Ever since then, it’s been an effort (often comical) to get my feet up on walls, tubs, chairs, shelves–you name it. Finally, I can get comfortable in my own bathroom here in the U.S., and my poop time has reduced by minutes. No more waiting!

They were apparently the Spider-Man of shitting.

“My mother-in-law was convinced that it works and she bought us one for a Christmas gift. I was very stubborn and didn’t even want to try it out. It sat in my bathroom for about 2 weeks before I tried it! So I sat down put my feet on the SQUATTY POTTY and before I knew it I had already had a bowel movement. It was amazing! I sent a text to my mother-in-law praising her for such a great gift!”

Interesting talk at family gatherings, I image.

Anyway, this is just in time for the holiday season, people. You’re welcome.

Now go take a load off.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

Advertisements

Truth In Advertising

I’m not one of those fancy people that has a DVR to record shows without commercial interruption. This means that when I have the TV on and I’m doing other things at the same time instead of sitting there to watch the show I was waiting to sit down and watch, I am exposed to advertising.

While some commercials are highly entertaining—I could watch the Slowsky’s all day—most of them are annoying and last so long that I’ve forgotten what show I was watching and vow to never buy their product.

But in the spirit of expanding my worldly knowledge to dispense among the dozens of you who flock to this blog, I decided to share some insight.

What I’ve Learned from Watching TV Commercials

  • I have a majority of side effects of multiple prescription drugs that I’ve never even taken. 
  • Men are all balding, irresponsible and only respond to sex, food and things that explode. They can’t be trusted to buy anything without their wives or girlfriends, but they can however use a grill while wearing an apron and smiling. 
  • Lipstick is made of some cement-like substance that will never come off until you tell it to.
  • Melted cheese must be stretched out before consumption and a frozen dinner is apparently the secret ingredient to spicing up a romantic evening.
  • Outback Steakhouse is really, really Australian.
  • When a family gets a new luxury SUV,  the first thing they do is take it off road and drive through one-lane mountain passes and water-covered roadways at breakneck speed.
  • Everyone laughs when they’re eating candy or wearing a tampon.
  • On that note, it’s perfectly acceptable to pull out an unused tampon and show it off in a group setting.
  • Kids don’t watch TV–they watch toasters—and they find it fun to patiently wait for their Pillsbury Toaster Strudel.
  • Every one of my local news stations is the most accurate, watching out for me more than anyone else and willing to put their lives on the line to bring me the news.
  • Senior citizens with bowel and bladder problems spend part of every day in tennis whites.
  • In order to get rich, I need to get attacked by a dog or injured in an automobile accident, in the workplace or through a hospital’s negligence so I can sue (and the lawyer can afford to not make his/her own commercials.)
  • No one can back their car out of a garage or driveway without incident.
  • All breakfast foods aimed at children now contain “More Fiber!” than it takes to fill an industrial silo, which leads me to believe all children are constipated.
  • Speaking of that, when a group of female friends get together they spend all their time talking about constipation or eating yogurt, which is apparently the key to fulfilling their innermost serenity (the yogurt, not constipation.)
  • Bacon and diarrhea have the same manic PR person, as almost every commercial includes one or the other.
  • The factory workers who make Honey Bunches of Oats act like they’re personally responsible for the cereal satisfaction of every person on the planet.
  • If I use a certain whitening toothpaste, not only will it land me a boyfriend, but I’ll also be able to land planes at night due to the brightness of my choppers.

Advertising dollars well spent.

What have you learned from TV commercials?

 

Like the blog? Buy the book.