Even the Grinch Has Issues

The holidays are “the most wonderful time of the year” for a lot of people, but what about the post-holiday season when all the hype has died down? While many settle back into normal routines, there are a few people that find this time of year to be even more difficult.

Why?

They're demanding figgy pudding. They won't go until they get some. What do I do- Call the cops- I'm calling the cops.

After weeks of being in the spotlight, they’re suddenly erased from the minds of the public for another 11 long months. Needless to say, a round of therapy is in order.

Patient Name: Little Drummer Boy

Session Notes: Possible abandonment issues coupled with concern over money has manifested itself into OCD, as LDB sat on the couch “pa rum pum pum pum-ing” on the table with a pencil throughout the entire session.

Talked of his willingness to follow three “wise” men without parental guidance. Expressed concern over lack of money and having no gifts to bring and asked to put his name on the card of the wise man who brought gold because he “had no idea what Frankincense or Myrrh are.”

Interested in starting a boy band like One Direction and naming it North Star. We’re working through this one.


Patient Name: Rudolph

Session Notes: Self-esteem issues evident by eagerness to guide the sleigh of seasonal employer (who was initially freaked out by his “abnormal” nose) after being told he would never join the flying reindeer team (a team that teased him mercilessly and refused to let him join in any reindeer games.)

This, combined with the fact his own father forced him to cover his nose in black dirt, has also led to a slight alcohol dependence evidenced by a bright red nose in clear weather and a strong smell of Jack Daniels.

Suggested finding a new crowd to hang out with — Blitzen and Vixen are no help—and perhaps seeking employment with Hermey to open a thriving dental practice on the Island of Misfit Toys.


Patient Name: Frosty the Snowman

Session Notes: A bit bipolar, no pun intended. Wavers between overconfidence—“I’ll be back again some day!” with a tendency to hit on married women, “I can do the job while I’m in town!”— and anxiety over the threat of global warming, not to mention the fact that he basically lets children dress him in produce and trash.

Feels people forget about him once it gets warm, which is a valid concern, and tends to overcompensate with streaks of merry mania. Suggested moving to a permanently colder climate and finding a job as an ice cream truck driver. Given his appeal to children, it seems like a natural fit.


Patient Name: Grinch

Session Notes: Physician-ordered session after patient’s heart “grew three sizes” and raised cardiac concerns. Also had a brief charge of theft by police. Seems anxiety has been plaguing patient since whole town has taken to ostracizing him for bad behavior.

Cited a song created about him in which various parts are likened to “a greasy black peel, a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich,” that his heart’s “a dead tomato splotched” and that he has “garlic in his soul.”

To be honest, I tuned him out after “garlic in your soul,” as that sounds delicious. And living on top of a mountain away from the town with only his dog? Seems like a good plan to me. I don’t really see much of an issue.

And now I’m hungry.

I think that my work here is done.

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14 responses to “Even the Grinch Has Issues

  1. I like it! It’s like a halfway house for Christmas characters. What about Elf on a Shelf? I suspect that after a month of freedom, he’s going to be quite alarmed at returning to his box for the next 11 months.

  2. What about the Nutcracker?

  3. Totally liking this one. Particularly agree with your assessment on the Grinch. Why does everyone think escaping the mania of Christmas is a bad thing?

  4. Oh my goodness, this is fabulous. Thanks for making me smile.

  5. Very funny, like this a lot!

  6. Reblogged this on kimboxin and commented:
    Therapy sessions for our favorite Christmas characters. Super funny!

  7. Great piece.
    Yep, I’m with the Grinch. Except his mountain top is looking a bit crowded so I’ll be on the next mountain top. Together apart.
    Have yourself a quiet, solitary, garlicy and merry (must not forget the merry) little christmas.

  8. Patient: the dude’s part of “Baby its cold outside”
    Notes: Rapist. Definitely a rapist.

  9. You make me laugh. I love these therapy sessions of yours.

  10. Frosty always gives a bit of a chill.
    Funny analysis. Jingle on!

  11. This is hilarious and soooo clever. I had never thought about Rudolph’s alcohol problems… Merry Christmas from Texas.

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