Why Halloween Is Just Really Weird

It’s just about Halloween, that time of year when tricks and treats and spooks and scares dominate stores and social media. It’s a fun fall tradition—mostly if you’re a kid, of course—but have you ever really thought about how weird most of this stuff is?

Of course you haven’t, so I’m here to do it for you.

hauntedhouse

Haunted Houses

Let’s start here because the fact of the matter is that people are paying a minimum of $20 to wander through a darkened establishment in which aspiring actors dressed as creepy clowns and ghouls jump out and attempt to scare them. Any other time of year this would most likely result in attempted assault/harassment charges and a stint in a much scarier house—the big house.

But in October? Fun! Let’s pay strangers to freak us out! I don’t need to do that. You know what scares me in equal measure for no cost at all? The psychotic level of excitement parents have in eating their kids’ Halloween candy, Facebook notifications that I’m tagged in a picture, sneezing while driving, or losing the Internet for more than five minutes.

In other words, if I want candy, costumes and creepiness, I can go to WalMart and wander among the shoppers any day of the week.

Apple Bobbing

Let’s fill a giant basin with water, throw in fruit, tie peoples’ hands behind their backs, and shove their face into the water in an attempt to force them to grab the apples with only their teeth.

In other words, it’s waterboarding for fruit. Let’s move on.

Decorating

I covered Halloween décor last year, but in October those cobwebs in your house normally considered something to be removed are now festive and fun. And while hanging a skeleton or ghost from a tree in August would put you on the Neighborhood Watch list, it’s now a sign that you’re a house that probably passes out candy come Oct. 31 instead of turning off the light and hiding behind the couch to ignore the doorbell (hypothetically speaking.)

That’s right. You can dress up as a sexy nurse and hand out candy to children and not wind up on “To Catch a Predator.” Just put a wreath on your door and leave your porch light on for the little beggars.

Corn Mazes

My internal GPS is MIA and I get lost in a walk-in closet. In other words, the idea of wandering through a maze of maize with strangers bumping into me while we all try and find our way out before desperately gnawing on a corn cob in desperation for our survival isn’t at the top of my list. I’ve done it before, and the only way I’ll pay money to do it again is if at the end I’m awarded with an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet and luxury spa.

Pumpkin Carving

The fact that they sell pre-cut apples and butternut squash, pre-hardboiled eggs, and “Uncrustables” at the store proves that people have become ridiculously lazy when it comes to prepping food.

However, when it comes to Halloween, people round up the troops and often trek through pumpkin patches—pumpkin spice latte in hand— to pick out a giant fruit they will festively disembowel over the span of several hours, bent scooping spoons, and broken carving knives.

They will then shove a candle inside and leave it neglected on the porch until it looks like a toothless meth addict before throwing it behind the fence for the squirrels to enjoy.

But with all that said, tradition is important and Halloween kicks of the holiday season—for better or worse with that whole statement—and gets you prepared to fist a bird carcass for Thanksgiving and hang old socks on the fireplace for Christmas (or whatever it is that you celebrate.)

For now, Happy Haunting!

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18 responses to “Why Halloween Is Just Really Weird

  1. ‘toothless meth addict’ You win. That’s good stuff. Killin’ me!

  2. Patricia Devine

    You’re so hilarious, but this is all true. I yelled at some kids walking on my lawn this summer and I’m supposed to be all, “Hey, don’t you look cute in your store-bought Frozen costume!” Screw that. Make some room for me behind your couch.

  3. You’ve inspired me to write a blog about all the things I hate about Halloween. Which is funny cause I actually like Halloween. Most of the time. But not this year. This year I’m boycotting. I’ve had it with toothless meth addicts.

  4. Halloween rivals Christmas now. Merchandise and sell.

  5. We have none of that here in South Africa. Barring the odd “Halloween Party”. And I use the term very loosely. But as for the kids dressing up and trick or treating? Nope, nothing. The thought of children roaming the street up and down the neighborhood going door to door for sweets still baffles me. Loved reading your post though. 🙂

  6. This is great, Abby! It’s all the things I think but keep to myself, afraid of other parent backlash.

  7. I love the sarcasm… I’m finding all this “Holiday” stuff a bit over the top. What happened to spending time making cool costumes out of cardboard boxes?!! Also.. you can really BUY pre-boiled eggs? And what is an “uncrushable” (Must be the Canadian in me that doesn’t know that one?!) Cheers!

  8. I mean Uncrustable (my spell check changed it clearly not a word here…)

  9. Your posts are the best
    Thank god I live in England!

  10. Oh, snort and applause. Hallmark, giant commercial haunted houses, and merchants can ruin anything. Next? Already in the crosshairs is dia de muertos…hey – equal treatment for diversity’s sake! Pass the pumpkin beer?

  11. Some of your points were just so true! like the first part, I must admit I’m one of the people who pays for a haunted house, but there’s nothing too it. as you said just actors dressed up 🙂

  12. I like Halloween, but you made some really good points. You are hilarious. My husband and I use to go to some haunted house stuff but quit because it was just to much money for a little scare.

  13. Hilarious, yet interesting takes on the industry influenced “holiday”.

  14. You have just RUINED Halloween for me!!! Not only is it my favorite festival but I have just published my first magazine article about this sacred feast. I am going away to laugh and cry at the same time…

  15. No one REALLY goes bobbing for apples anymore, do they? Do they?!? It’s so icky.

  16. Waterboarding for fruit? LMAO. Hilarious post.

  17. “Water boarding for fruit” hahahahahahahahaha! So true!

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