The Holiest Thing About Me Is My Socks

It’s no secret that I’m not actually a fashion diva–or into wearing anything other than my “good” T-shirt or yoga pants when going out in public. 

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But there are small little things that exemplify the ridiculousness of this situation. 

Scene 1: I’m walking across the tiled kitchen floor when I feel a cold spot somewhere on the bottom of my sock. I lift up my foot to make sure I didn’t step in something and notice a hole there instead.

Scene 2: I’m two minutes into a walk when my underwear either suction themselves into a killer wedgie or are too big and sag down instead.

Scene 3: I’m halfway to some ridiculous obligation that requires wearing the world’s most uncomfortable bra, which pretty much describes anything that’s not a sports bra.

In all three scenarios, the logical conclusion to each scene would show me removing said article of clothing and promptly throwing it away. After all, they are uncomfortable and/or old and falling apart. I am not a homeless person and I can afford to buy new socks and underwear and throw the old away.

But I also have a short attention span, so something usually distracts me between “remember to take off those socks and throw them away” and actually taking off the socks and throwing them away. My guess is it’s usually something shiny or that makes a cool noise…

Anyway, the bra is another story.

I have around, oh, one “big girl bra” that I can wear without feeling like a corset is wrapped around my chest.* 

*I realize I could go get fitted and get something fancy, but seeing as my concave boobs take up as much real estate as the mosquito bite on my arm, I’m really not willing to pay. Plus, I only have to wear a “real” bra every blue moon. 

With that said, I have a handful of bras and underwear in my drawer that serve no purpose. They are uncomfortable, but yet they’re still there and accidentally worn on occasion simply because I forget and, well, they’re still there.

They’re like those people you can’t stand that you haven’t seen for a while. You think, “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they’re not that annoying and I can talk to them without wishing for a Xanax salt lick.”

But then “bam!” Two minutes in you realize you should have told them you had to go detail the cat litter box, or in the case of the underwear, you wish you had simply just thrown them away.

So let this be a cautionary tale to you.

If you have holes in your socks, if the elastic on a pair of underwear you bought in a Hanes six-pack is gone or the bra that you have is causing you to stab yourself in the leg with a butter knife, just throw them away.

Save yourself.

Learn from my mistakes.

Don’t be a hero.

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13 responses to “The Holiest Thing About Me Is My Socks

  1. Patricia Devine

    Hilarious! My comfy unders are grandma panties hiding way back in the drawer under the old bras – you know, the no-underwire ones from my pre-teen years with rainbow unicorns that look like they were drawn with Crayolas. Oh, and by the way, puhleeze tell me where I can find a Xanax salt lick. I want one for every room.

  2. Beware of the Killer Wedgie. It torments all. You just reminded me of an old joke. A man went to church without his wife and returns with two black eyes. “What happened?” she asks.
    “Well, we stood up to sing and a woman had her dress wedged up, so I pulled it down. Then she socked me in the eye.” he says.
    “Well, how did you get the other one?” she asks.
    “I thought she wanted it that way, so I put it back.”

  3. Great post…and very funny!

  4. Its no surprise to you I’m sure that my attitude to clothes is very similar to yours so I could write the man version of this post easily, although not as well as you have done of course.

  5. They are just like those people. How funny

  6. I’ve had my fair share of holy socks, telling myself I’d throw them out later, to just have them end up in my sock pile o’ death. I have the attention span of a gerbil.

  7. Oh my word! I can so relate!

  8. The headline alone made this worth my time. Loved it.

  9. Sage advice.

  10. Hahahaha, I was having a pretty bad day, but read your post and it made me LOL, literally 🙂 so thank you!

  11. Your cautionary tale came far too late to help me. I’m so committed to not wearing a bra, that it keeps me from leaving the house at all. I just sit all day long basking in glorious bralessness and wondering at what age I became this way.

  12. Very funny! I have the opposite problem. I finally got rid of a drawer full of beautiful bras that were too small which were taking up needed space for a very long time. I have finally lost enough weight that they would now fit and sadly they are gone forever. That’s life. Now I need to convince myself to get rid of the ones that are too big in reassurance that I will never need them again!

  13. I have an entire drawer devoted to those bras. I think you just inspired me to clean the whole thing out and just pitch them. I’m getting giddy just thinking about the real estate I’ve just reclaimed in my dresser. Maybe I can fill it with the underwear I noticed which is suddenly developing holes from overuse and hopefully over washing. It might be time to get some new ones. 🙂

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