A Girl Has To Have Standards

It was the moment when he reached down into the console of his truck, picked out a used golf tee and started using it as a toothpick that I learned a) to always keep floss in my purse and b) that even though it means that waking up with hummus in my hair is the closest to breakfast in bed that I get, I was meant to be single.

barbie

I would like to think I’ve given the alternative a pretty fair shake — I did the dating scene for a while with the traditional hits and misses — but this particular incident was simply the dirt-covered toothpick that broke this camel’s back.

Plus, I have high standards.

Growing up my crushes always fell into one of two categories—completely unattainable or attainable but not interesting after I attained them.

This wasn’t an issue early on because it’s not like I had that many options. It took me a long time to grow into my nose and grow out my spiral perms, and while I had friends, I wasn’t the “cute” girl in the group.

I was instead the one that was left over and relegated to holding the sweaty hands of the left over boy at the school roller skating parties while Boyz II Men’s “End of the Road” played in the background.

However, I wasn’t all that concerned with that scene, as I had much bigger plans.

I was a tomboy and decided early on that I was going to marry a professional athlete. The crush varied depending on the season, but it usually included me covering my walls with their posters and creating elaborate situations in my head in which I held down the fort at home while they traveled on the road for their games.

At no time did anything sexual enter these situations, as aside from putting my Barbies and G.I. Joe in compromising “mature” situations, those thoughts never crossed my mind. It was simply an infatuation that ran from one player to the next before progressing into Sylvester Stallone through the “Rocky” years—all five films—and then any other action star or famous male with either an accent or a jersey.

I had more realistic crushes in school, of course.

This usually amounted to me reading into a Valentine (that they were required to give everyone in class) as a declaration of love, scribbling their name in my notebook and keeping a stash of assorted flavored Lip Smackers at the ready just in case.

In case of what? I didn’t know, but at least my lips would be strawberry fresh.
Naturally things changed once I got older and declared myself free of the sweaty-palmed rejects and delusions of nabbing a major league lover. As mentioned above, I did the dating thing and decided it wasn’t for me.

Now I’m sure Toothpick Boy was/is a fine companion for some germ-loving gal who doesn’t mind using dirty sports props to pick lettuce out of a molar, but I like my space. I like my freedom. I like knowing that dental procedures won’t be performed with dirt-covered plastic.

Of course, there might be exceptions. I mean, Hot Gym Guy did say, “No thanks” when I offered to spot him as he was walking into the locker room, so there’s a chance that once the restraining order is lifted he might just give it a go!

But otherwise I’m happy just dating myself.

This post came about because of these awesome—as in so much awe that I use the word “awesome”—comments on my Facebook page about a post I wrote for 22 Words awhile ago dealing with ridiculous reasons for breaking up with someone.

Go read the comments. They’re better than this post, but first let me know:

What’s the most ridiculous reason you’ve ever broken up with someone?

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24 responses to “A Girl Has To Have Standards

  1. Definitely get in your own routine after being single for awhile.

  2. The frat boy started screaming the Greek alphabet late one night in the dorms.

  3. Completed unrelated: did I ever tell you about a friend of mine having a cat named Abby and your site is all I can think of when I see it? Yeah. Random thought share.

  4. The guy had chicken stuck in his teeth and didn’t know it. Oh but I did. I did.

  5. Why did I think of that Dexter show while reading this? (could be the plastic sheeting.)

  6. He refused to vote in a provincial election because “what if his vote was for someone who started a war?”

  7. Umm. Partially because he was an A-hole, and partially because he gave me a burned WWF DVD for my birthday (the wrestling, not the pandas). But my husband’s reason for breaking up with his ex girlfriend is my favourite, ever. She didn’t eat tomatoes.

  8. If by “breakup” you mean “stopped calling after the first/second/third date” I have many. I’ll list the top 3:

    1. Wore ski pants to our first date. I put on a skirt. Was a non-elastic waistband too much to ask for in return?
    2. Slurping soup. Seriously. Grow up and learn how to eat food.
    3. Collecting spoons. You know? Those truck stop collectible spoons your grandmother has?

    I started blogging to collect these gems, but I’d met the dork I’ve been dating for 3 years so ran out of dating stories…. Oh but the reasons I could dump him capriciously are many…

  9. He used the word “anyways” instead of “anyway”. I couldn’t handle one more moment of it.

    🙂

  10. She wanted to date me & still be a part of the resident group of mean girls in our school. This was, however, an obvious conflict of interest since, for some reason, they were already dedicating a significant portion of their everyday routine towards trying to make my day miserable (I was normally scheduled in the mornings from 9-10 & from 1-2 in the afternoons,unless one of their earlier appointments didn’t stick to schedule, of course).

  11. Out-of-town boyfriend in high school that my mother loved. He didn’t call me for two weeks. When asked, said sorry but he was in jail during that time and asked what I was doing the following weekend. “Not dating you.”

  12. He kept saying, “So,” with a super long pause after. I couldn’t take it.

  13. I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone who picked their teeth with something nasty….I can’t imagine where those hands have been…well, I can and I’m not interested! LOL. If you’re happy and you know it, clap those hands!

  14. Well, I must admit I’ve generally avoided dating as a general rule, since men are grievously an astonishing amount of the time. Don’t get me wrong, they are great to be friends with and many are oh so nice to look at, but it rarely seems worth the hassle. I do have one delightful little tidbit to share however, regarding having standards and being single and such. While working with a young (and startlingly stupid) girl at a previous job, I found myself having the following discussion:
    “Aren’t you sad about being single?”
    “No.”
    “But you can’t be happy without a man in your life!”
    “Actually, I can be. Quite happy. I do not need someone else to be happy. Except maybe my cat.”
    “But don’t you want to get married and have kids and be happy?”
    “First off, I already said I’m quite content and happy and all that without a man in my life. Secondly, I have less than no urge to procreate. Kids are great and all…as long as they belong to someone else. Being an aunt is totally more than enough for me. I rock at being an aunt.”
    (insert 4 minute explanation of the word ‘procreate’)
    “But you can’t really be happy without a man!”
    SIGH
    “Yes, I can. Besides, men are usually more trouble than they’re worth. And I have ridiculously high standards anyway.”
    (explanation of ‘standards’)
    “Well, but you’re a bigger girl…”
    “And?”
    “Well, you can’t really afford to be picky right? I mean, shouldn’t you just want someone to be interested in you at all?”
    (prolonged silence while I struggled to control the impulse to smack her on the head. With a brick.)
    “Um…no. I may be fat, but that doesn’t mean I should accept some knuckle-dragging skeezy weasel simply because he’s into fatties. I would rather die without ever having a man again than settle for some loser.”
    “So are you a lesbian then?”
    At this point I thought it best to walk away before I throttled the girl.

  15. I like when you get real.

    I broke up with a guy in high school because he bought me flowers. I was like, “oh no, he didn’t,” with a shake of my head and a twist of my hips.

  16. Laughed SO hard at this. Sadly, I’ve been married for so long (and dated my husband four years before we got married) that I’ve forgotten most of the reasons I broke up with anyone. 🙂 I linked to this with the 3 Day Quote Challenge, if you feel like it — no pressure! http://riddlefromthemiddle.com/2015/06/12/3-day-quote-challenge-day-2/

  17. He wore Mom Jeans. I have 3 kids and even I don’t wear Mom Jeans, and I’m sure not going to date some guy who does.
    Another guy I went on 1 date with because he announced that he had found my blog, read the entire thing in one night and still showed up for our first date.

  18. My most ridiculous reason for breaking up with someone is because he wore a mickey mouse sweater that had a hole in it and it was too small for him.

    I later realized that it wasn’t the Mickey Mouse sweater that really bothered me. The real problem lied in that he could wear whatever and I would not have a problem with it. But when it came to my likes, he never hesitated to speak negatively of them.

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