Given the amount of time I spend looking at employment ads, I think I now qualify as an expert in terms of reading job descriptions. Sometimes I see one and think, “This sounds like it was written especially for me!” which I assume is what happened to the people listed below:
Job: Food Network Personality
Are you someone who could best be described as the personification of Comic Sans font in all caps lock? Do you bleach your hair on a monthly basis and like eat at dives? If so, we’re looking for YOU to host 75 percent of the shows on our network and be “the face of Food Network.”
Uniform includes loud bowling shirts, massive amounts of bling and sunglasses turned backwards on your head. Must be committed to mentioning fictional Flavortown and phrases like, “Out of bounds” “Bananas!” and “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner” at least six times every episode.
Candidate: Guy Fieri
Job: Fabric Softener Mascot
Fresh-smelling, forward-thinking detergent company seeking cuddly mascot to represent our brand and soften hearts as well as the laundry.
While we could go with the traditional teddy bear, we’re looking to think outside the fabric softener sheet box for a bear with small, beady eyes and a sinister grin that says, “I can make your laundry smell fresh right after I get back from my most recent mauling” or “Your pillowcase might smell nice but be sure to sleep with one eye open.”
Candidate: The Snuggle Bear
Young Latino girl needed to fill role of bilingual “explorer” willing to forego traditional education in favor of spending her days in the woods with an anthropomorphic monkey, map and talking backpack trying to solve puzzles and riddles and find objects that are right behind her.
Must be comfortable encountering thieving foxes and grumpy old trolls while maintaining a positive attitude and traveling the world without parents. Uniform includes a T-shirt that will fit over even the most oversized football-shaped head, shorts and pristine white shoes.
Job: TV Doctor/Talk Show Host
Do you wake up every morning and look forward to asking people about their bowel movements and telling them everything everyone is doing is wrong? Do you embrace endorsing every fad diet, supplement and dubious health claim? Then we’re looking for you to host our afternoon talk show.
A science background preferred for legal reasons, but a pseudoscience background will also be considered. Must buy into our cult, I mean culture of belief that gluten is the cause of all world problems, everything has toxins making the world obese and green tea extract and Reiki can give cats an additional nine lives.
Candidate: Dr. Oz
Job: Doll/Reluctant Role Model
Successful applicant will be tall, blonde and in shape so that a variety of wardrobe options can be fitted accordingly and appeal to millions of girls and women worldwide.
Only applicants with more than 150 careers spanning everything from registered nurse, rock star and veterinarian to aerobics instructor, pilot and police officer will be considered. Must be prepared to be held up to unrealistic standards of being a role model based solely on looks and not education or professional history. Will be working closely with a male equivalent with a mystery profession and various sports cars who never takes off his underwear.
Job: Journeyman/Book Character
Seeking male to fill role as traveling book icon physically capable of carrying items like a walking stick, kettle, mallet, cup, backpack, sleeping bag, binoculars, camera, snorkel, belt, bag and shovel while hiking around the world.
Must be comfortable in large crowds and around dogs. Uniform includes red and white striped shirt, blue jeans, brown boots, black-framed glasses and a red and white bobbled hat—no exceptions or deviations allowed.
Anyone with a history of paranoia need not apply.
I think my work here is done.
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