An Application for Flavortown

Given the amount of time I spend looking at employment ads, I think I now qualify as an expert in terms of reading job descriptions. Sometimes I see one and think, “This sounds like it was written especially for me!” which I assume is what happened to the people listed below:

Job: Food Network Personality

Are you someone who could best be described as the personification of Comic Sans font in all caps lock? Do you bleach your hair on a monthly basis and like eat at dives? If so, we’re looking for YOU to host 75 percent of the shows on our network and be “the face of Food Network.”

guy

Uniform includes loud bowling shirts, massive amounts of bling and sunglasses turned backwards on your head. Must be committed to mentioning fictional Flavortown and phrases like, “Out of bounds” “Bananas!” and “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner” at least six times every episode.

Candidate: Guy Fieri

Job: Fabric Softener Mascot

Fresh-smelling, forward-thinking detergent company seeking cuddly mascot to represent our brand and soften hearts as well as the laundry.

While we could go with the traditional teddy bear, we’re looking to think outside the fabric softener sheet box for a bear with small, beady eyes and a sinister grin that says, “I can make your laundry smell fresh right after I get back from my most recent mauling” or “Your pillowcase might smell nice but be sure to sleep with one eye open.”

Candidate: The Snuggle Bear

Job: Explorer

Young Latino girl needed to fill role of bilingual “explorer” willing to forego traditional education in favor of spending her days in the woods with an anthropomorphic monkey, map and talking backpack trying to solve puzzles and riddles and find objects that are right behind her.

Must be comfortable encountering thieving foxes and grumpy old trolls while maintaining a positive attitude and traveling the world without parents. Uniform includes a T-shirt that will fit over even the most oversized football-shaped head, shorts and pristine white shoes.

Candidate: Dora

Job: TV Doctor/Talk Show Host

Do you wake up every morning and look forward to asking people about their bowel movements and telling them everything everyone is doing is wrong? Do you embrace endorsing every fad diet, supplement and dubious health claim? Then we’re looking for you to host our afternoon talk show.

A science background preferred for legal reasons, but a pseudoscience background will also be considered.  Must buy into our cult, I mean culture of belief that gluten is the cause of all world problems, everything has toxins making the world obese and green tea extract and Reiki can give cats an additional nine lives.

Candidate: Dr. Oz

Job: Doll/Reluctant Role Model

Successful applicant will be tall, blonde and in shape so that a variety of wardrobe options can be fitted accordingly and appeal to millions of girls and women worldwide.

Only applicants with more than 150 careers spanning everything from registered nurse, rock star and veterinarian to aerobics instructor, pilot and police officer will be considered. Must be prepared to be held up to unrealistic standards of being a role model based solely on looks and not education or professional history. Will be working closely with a male equivalent with a mystery profession and various sports cars who never takes off his underwear.

Candidate: Barbie

Job: Journeyman/Book Character

Seeking male to fill role as traveling book icon physically capable of carrying items like a walking stick, kettle, mallet, cup, backpack, sleeping bag, binoculars, camera, snorkel, belt, bag and shovel while hiking around the world.

Must be comfortable in large crowds and around dogs. Uniform includes red and white striped shirt, blue jeans, brown boots, black-framed glasses and a red and white bobbled hat—no exceptions or deviations allowed.

Anyone with a history of paranoia need not apply.

Candidate: Waldo

I think my work here is done. 

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26 responses to “An Application for Flavortown

  1. Funny, Abby! I enjoy reading your perspective on everyday things. I really like the Dora job description as I had A LOT of Dora exposure when my kids were little and I missed most of what you pointed out.

  2. Love this post. My kids love Dora, so that one hit home for me. I’m always like, Swiper is behind the tree — again!

  3. This is hilarious!
    Is it also an indication of what you can now do, as in: have time : watch kids TV?

  4. “the personification of Comic Sans font in all caps lock” Bwahaha! I can’t stand that guy.

  5. I laughed way too hard at this. Is it bad that I watch that show just so the future Mr. And I can make fun of him? I especially like the ones where the cooks obviously can’t stand him.

  6. I think my kitty could give snuggle bear a run for it’s money. Not bragging, just saying (ok bragging.)

  7. We don’t have cable at home, and so it’s only something I watch at the gym. It means I’m at the mercy of whatever is on at the time I happen to go, and unsurprisingly, I like watching shows about cooking. At first I resisted Guy’s shows for all of the reasons you mentioned. (Caps lock comic sans is totally right.) But then he kind of won me over. I’m embarrassed to say it, but his personality grew on me. In comparison to stuffy chefs/food personalities, I like it that he just seems to be having fun with food.

    • Yeah, I give him a hard time but it’s because he’s an easy target. 😉 I watch all his shows as well if there’s nothing else on. Who doesn’t love a Diner, Drive-In or Dive?

  8. I always thought excessive sweating and greasy looking hair were also requirements of food personalities?

  9. Just Keepin' It Real Folks

    How hilarious! I do love me some Guy. However, so glad I’m not drinking Dr. Oz’s Kool-Aid.

  10. This made my morning! While I don’t watch much TV, I recently spent all my food prep time watching Guy in DD&D on Netflix (I kept trying to calculate the calories that the diners were consuming and got scared) and spent way too much time years ago with Dora. Incidentally, my now 19 year old daughter recently told me of the day, as as a tiny girl, when she discovered she didn’t have to repeat what Dora said, she could just watch :). I hope you are still enjoying your new vacuum. I find vacuuming to be stress reducing, so I am weird like that; but then I also go to the grocery store just to walk the aisles and find sale prices :).

  11. That bear has always creeped me out. Seriously, I don’t care how soft he could help us get our sheets, if that thing came anywhere near me I’m getting an exorcist.

    …Or a flamethrower.

  12. I love your poke at life and ability to mock faux enthusiasm which I also find pretty irritating.

  13. There are some real spit takes in this one, Abby. Remind me again never to read your stuff while ingesting liquids. 🙂

  14. If I had been drinking milk it would have snorted out my nose at your description of Ken.

  15. The comic sans part? Brilliant.

  16. Fabulous! My favorite is The Snuggle Bear (who I personally despise), but all are great!

  17. Holy crap, I’ve got the banana part down. Does this mean I can be the next host of the Food Network. Maybe they’ll let Oscar cook in the kitchen with me.

    I wouldn’t hire anyone with as many career changes as Barbie. Nope, she’s proven fickle. Plus, the sheer weight of her boobs would cause her to topple over and that could get awkward fast.

  18. Reblogged this on Potpourri Of Life and commented:
    Wow Abby, this was quite creative of you and I really like the sarcasm you have brought up in barbies character

  19. That is the most accurate description of that blonded bro I have ever heard. It gave me a laugh before 8:30 a.m. Thank you.

  20. How funny. Absolutely hate reading job ads – especially the perky ones. (so many sound like Barbie’s). That one’s perfect for Dr. Oz, but barely go past all the laughter from the fabric softener one

  21. Ummmm, can I get the phone number for the talk show host position? I consider myself an expert in pseudo science.

  22. This was absolutely fantastic. So funny!

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