Wanted: Professional Chair Model

I won’t get into the depressing part of unemployment at this point—that can be a different post—because today I’m feeling pretty optimistic after finding this ad on our local Craig’s List page.

Yes, I know that I was burned the last time I found the “perfect” job for me—the naked sushi model gig—because I never heard back, but this time around I think I stand a much better chance.

WANTED- PROFESSIONALCHAIR MODEL

 Actual chair picture from the ad. So fancy!

Even though the editor in me was twitchy with the grammatical errors, I’m reprinting it below as it appears to maintain authenticity.

Wanted: Professional or amateur chair model. Successful candidate should be comfortable remaining seated for extended periods of time, while exuding the confidence of one who could handle a store well if need, run a place, give meetings, answer phones, help guests, be a personal assistant, and so on. Would prefer someone who is a verity a place, and has a long job history. Please be one who both does not do bad, and desires to learn a lot. 

Sound like you? Ready to sit down and start a new career today? Contact us right away.*

*Successful candidate should not be allergic to gluten, other allergens, or wasp stings.

While the chair didn’t look quite as comfortable as a chair that I might have picked out, I still decided to throw my hat into the ring. Or rather, my ass into the seat.

Hello!

I came across your ad on Craig’s List while sitting on my couch, which I believe demonstrates my ability to multi-task in that I was both sitting and using a computer simultaneously. While I’m technically still waiting to achieve “professional” chair model status, I do have more than 33 years of experience sitting on couches and chairs.

And not to brag, but I was recently named Couch CEO at Casa de Abby (business cards are in the works.)

At any rate, I exude not just the aroma of garlic, but also the confidence of one who could handle any situation—running a store, answering phones, helping guests—all while sitting in a chair. Seriously. Put me in a chair and prepare to be amazed. In fact, if the position required it I would be willing to also venture into consuming food and beverages while remaining dedicated to the professional posterior positioning.

Speaking of food, I am not allergic to gluten–as you mentioned in the ad–so that shouldn’t be an issue. However, even though I’m not allergic to wasp stings, I don’t particularly enjoy them. Should this be a concern for me in that you’re planning on placing said chair in the middle of wasp-infested environments?

I’m not saying that’s a deal-breaker, but I would require a beekeepers outfit for that. I’m sure that you understand why.

Anyway, I don’t know what “verity a job place is,” but as you request in the end of your ad, I’m someone who “both does not do bad, and desires to learn a lot.” In other words, you’re sitting on a goldmine with me here, my friends! Let’s pull up a chair—ha! See what I did there?—and talk about when we can start.

Thank you so much for your time,

Abby

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16 responses to “Wanted: Professional Chair Model

  1. I’m great at sitting! And eating gluten! Do you think they’ll consider a job share?!?

  2. Oh my gosh. My father has one of those chairs! I know they don’t look very comfortable, but trust me you would not be sad if you had to sit in one all day! They are called Eams chairs (designed by Ray Eams) and apparently they filled the Yale library at least back when my father was a graduate student there in the 60’s. I may have to apply for the job too. I have a ton of experience sitting on my behind all day!

  3. I think you’re overqualified for that (sitting) position. You seem active, so I think a standing job would be a better fit for you. That is one fly chair, though.

  4. In that chair you could sit all day! Eames chairs are incredibly comfortable and incredibly expensive, so you’d look classy at the same time as being a couch potato! Go for it!

  5. If they don’t hire you, they’re idiots. Absolute idiots.

  6. I could totally nail this gig! I’ve clocked so many sitting hours, my desk chair has permanent ass indentations in it. No kidding. Wish I were. And, my father -in-law has that chair/ottoman ensemble pictured above. Maybe I should go over and practice?

  7. I loved your job submission…sure hope they enjoyed your sense of humor and hire you!

  8. I think this is the perfect gig. In fact, it doesn’t get much better. Pretty sure half my day would qualify. I may need to throw my hat in the ring and see what happens.

  9. /i I used to read your blog many moons ago and stumbleed upon it again! Glad to see you’re alive n kicking 😛

  10. I am rather intrigued by the wasp condition as well. Is there a nest built into that chair’s wood grain finish?

  11. Well seated thoughts.
    (and the errors are as bad as potential wasps stings…)

  12. I think it’s time you sat right down and wrote yourself a letter from the chair accepting your occupation.
    Sorry, lame I know but couldn’t resist.

  13. Excellent reply to this engaging opportunity and I have no doubt a career changing job offer is now just a phone call away 🙂

  14. how could they NOT want you for naked sushi??? maybe you were overqualified. LOL. Good luck on call backs, you totally got this.

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