The Seven Deadly Sins of the Parking Lot

No matter what your opinion is on shopping, there’s one thing we can all agree on — the parking lot is a paved hell. It should be simple. Park the car, get out of the car, go about your business. But there are always a few who go to the dark side and ruin it for everyone else.

Lust

Lusting after a closer parking spot turns many people into Parking Spot Stalkers so overcome with desire for your spot that they dedicate themselves to claiming it for their own. 

While the logic employed by the Parking Spot Stalker makes sense—a closer spot is often more desirable than one farther away— there can be a troubling gray area when it comes to their actions. If it’s dark out and you’re a woman being followed by a car creeping up behind you like Charles Manson in a Volvo, it’s safe to assume they’re not sightseeing and it’s hard not to feel as if you’re about to become a special on Dateline.   

And God forbid if you forget where you park and have to cut through across the lane to find your car, as they’ll think it was an intentional move on your part, speed past you with a look of disgust and be forced to park in a spot that’s a full 10 feet farther away.

Envy

When lust gets overtaken by blinding envy, you are presented with the Parking Spot Rusher. This driver is so envious of your spot that they don’t patiently keep a safe distance back, turn on their blinker and wait. No, along with blocking other people from passing, they keep creeping up closer and closer while rolling their eyes and sighing so loudly you can hear it through two layers of car window glass.

parking

This just in: The person in the parking spot cares more about trying to load a week’s worth of groceries into the trunk of their car before trying to strap a tired and cranky kid into a car seat than you finding a suitable spot at that second. Unless you’re going to get out and help them load up the car, just keep a safe distance back.

Gluttony

There are certain people who feel themselves to be above the laws of parking space lines and take up two or three spots. They presumably feel their vehicle is so pristine and important that the thought of the unwashed masses coming near it can’t even be entertained. You’re not a special snowflake. Color inside the lines.

Greed

While envy and lust can cause people to act out in pursuit of a prime parking location, it’s also up to the person who parked there not to let that position of power go to their head. When walking in a parking lot, it’s important to make your intentions clear. If you’re leaving and sense the parking lot stalker, a simple nod at your car will suffice to alert them that yes, you will be leaving.

If you’re going back into the store, shake your head so they can journey down the lot and continue to stalk someone else.

Sloth

The grocery carts have a home. The carts like to go to their home, which is clearly marked and not hidden in some cart corral cave accessible only through a series of security measures and secret handshakes. Moms who have to do their shopping with youngsters in tow get a pass—as long as they make an effort to put the cart where it won’t obstruct someone else’s ability to park—but for everyone else, laziness is no excuse.

A shopping cart left to run amok could possibly cause a great deal of damage and injury, not to mention those abandoned in empty spots will inevitably cause someone to pull halfway in before realizing the cart is there and angrily backing out, pissing off people behind them. Nobody wins.

Wrath

How many times have you been driving through a parking lot when out of nowhere some lunatic comes speeding at you from the opposite direction—ignoring the yellow lines and arrows painted on the ground— and nearly causes a head-on collision?

News flash: Just because you’re pissed your wife sent you back to the store for tampons doesn’t mean the rules of the road don’t exist when a trip to Costco is involved. Follow the yellow brick road, so to speak. The arrows are there for a reason.

Pride

They say pride comes before the fall, and this applies to pedestrians walking down the middle of the lane as if they have super-human pedestrian powers that override people in their cars trying to get past or around them. Pick a side—any side—and no one gets hurt.

Like the blog? Buy the books and cool things!

zazzle

P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

Advertisements

25 responses to “The Seven Deadly Sins of the Parking Lot

  1. What about those individuals who go grocery shopping and load their trunks one bag at a time as if they don’t actually have two hands?

  2. I park way out on the edges of the parking lot so no one ever wants my spot. It makes it easier to make a quick escape and eliminates pedestrian issues. On top of all that it’s good for me. When the kids were small we would run from wayyyy out in the parking lot all the way to the front door of the store so it used up a lot of their wiggles before they had to start that long waiting in line thing.

  3. You have 7 sins for the parking lot, I have 8 for commuting. We probably shouldn’t ever go anywhere together!
    https://keepstride.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/8-deadly-commuter-sins-because-7-isnt-enough/

  4. Reblogged, as well. Enjoyed this article. It appears we share the same dry humor.

  5. You’re not a special snowflake. Color in between the lines. – BEST!

  6. Hilarious………..drivers around the world can relate! Great post!

  7. I agree. I also park way out to get some exercise walking to the store and hopefully to keep my car from being whacked by careless other car doors. But what about when you park out there and there are multiple other spaces to park and some one parks either very close to your driver’s side door or right on your rear bumper. Is my car magnetic and pulls your car too close? What’s up with that?

  8. Nailed the parking lot scenarios. Maybe the people who need to figure out these things will happen across your blog!

  9. I pick your side

  10. Right on, Abby. You covered every reason to avoid parking lots like the plague. Unfortunately, we have to go shopping on occasion. I’d rather shop online all the time, but not when it comes to food. Thanks for this great post. Enjoyed it very much.

  11. Eighth Deadly Sin: Never, ever park in a Handicapped Space unless you are a card carrying Person With a Disability (PWD). You might think, “Oh, I’ll only be a few minutes. It won’t matter.” However, you know in your heart of hearts that it will take you at least thirty minutes to get through the checkout. For someone like me, who is in great pain when walking, that thirty minutes breaks my heart. Why not celebrate your ability to work and run by not being a mean shit and go find a space further away from the door. If you can’t do this, then I’ll trade my disability for your non-handicapped parking space. Deal?

  12. Gluttony, sloth and pride are my biggest pet peeves when it comes to navigating the rough and tumble parking lot terrain. Thankfully I very rarely go to big box stores so I get to avoid all the obnoxiousness which comes with them.

    Favorite line: “Pick a side—any side—and no one gets hurt.”

  13. Add to that ASSHOLES that park in handicapped spots without a tag or those with a tag for others that park there when they are alone. This always annoyed the hell out of me before i got hurt and annoys the hell out of me now. If I forget my pass I refuse to park in a handicapped spot no matter how far I have to hobble. I think assholery should be the eighth deadly sin!

  14. Awesome. The cars that take up two parking spots make me livid. This happens a lot in the local hockey rink where I have to take my son 4,000 times a week. There the problem isn’t that I’ll then have to park farther away, but that there is nowhere to park. It takes all of the grown-up voices in my head to keep me from keying those people. All of them.

  15. Walmart parking lot…. argh! The other day I got stuck behind a truck waiting for a parking spot to open up (person just got to her vehicle to start unloading her pile of stuff). There went almost ten minutes of my life all because the vehicle in front of me had to wait. Honking didn’t work. The car behind me honking didn’t work. And it’s not like it was an amazing spot either!

  16. I
    Just
    Died!!!!! As I read your hysterically yet frighteningly accurate description of the Deadly Sins…
    This one right here just blew me away as I’ve seen this so many times I’ve lost count:
    “News flash: Just because you’re pissed your wife sent you back to the store for tampons doesn’t mean the rules of the road don’t exist when a trip to Costco is involved. Follow the yellow brick road, so to speak. The arrows are there for a reason.”

    And I’m sad to say that my very own husband is rather obnoxious when parking let alone driving most times and I’ve witnessed him. A lot.

    Is there a book for sneaking corrective subliminal messages into ‘offenders’ brains I wonder… If so I’m buying.

  17. I live in New Jersey where the parking lot shit gets real. And I think since I’ve lived here, I’ve spent the equivalent of three years driving in circles looking for a parking spot. A third of that time was just being cut off by a jerk in a Beemer.

Talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s