Simon Holland Has Issues & a Giveaway!

To all of you who resolved to spend less time on the Internet for the New Year, I would like to welcome you back.

In honor of your return, this week I’m featuring a blogger that I actually “met” on Twitter a few months ago. He’s hilarious—yes, another guy on the blog!—and along with blogging, he’s a contributor to the very funny “The Big Book of Parenting Tweets” along with a bunch of other entertaining people (giveaway at the end of this post.)

But before you go check out the book, Simon Says read the post below and show him some love in a non-creepy, no-touchy way.


Name: Simon Holland


 Where, what and why do you write?

I usually write from my office at home and I like to write about things that I find funny, most of this tends to be observations of every day family life. I write to share something that I think will entertain someone. I’d like to be one of the people that has to write because their creativity is bursting at the seams and they need to let it loose, but for me it is more about wanting to tell a joke or a funny story and needing someone to listen and pretend that they think what I am saying has value. Ha Ha.

 First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

Muttered profanity and the snooze button. Is there any other thought that real live people have when they wake up? I like to think I am more the rule than the exception on this one.

 What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Is there anything worse than gift bags? I mean seriously, there is a certain unabashed joy that you experience when you tear the wrapping paper off of a present to reveal your prize. Gift bags steal all of that. They ruin Christmas and they ruin birthdays. If anyone out there is thinking about giving me a present and putting it in a gift bag, just tape $3 to the gift. Trust me, I will appreciate that way more than a bag with some tissue paper in it.

Editor’s note: Yes, actually. I dated a guy once that actually had a wood box built to put my gift in and then screwed the whole damn thing shut. He is no longer around.

 Three websites you visit every day.



Would Netflix still be considered a website? If so, that is my answer. If not, probably a website about karate or lasers or sports cars or some other stuff that would make me seem less lame than I am.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Probably that days now last forever. This is kind of like wishing for more wishes, but let’s be honest.  One day is not enough time to rule the land. I would first make days last for the rest of time and then probably make someone bring me Skittles.

You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

Tacos. Tacos. Tacos

Don’t mess with perfection. Tacos are proof that there is a God that loves us.

 You’re pretty much a Twitter rock star. What are your three “best” tweets?

Wow, I don’t know if I can be the judge of what is best, but here are three that I don’t hate.

“My wife brought home low-sodium bacon and know I understand what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.”

 “I don’t know. Everything was going great and had been perfect for as long as I can remember. But then in 2012…”  -Gluten, talking to his therapist

“One time I listened to my wife tell a whole story without mentioning that I had a video game paused in the other room.”

 What would your life be in a tweet?

This probably sums it up pretty well: “Imagine having kids. Wrong. You don’t have time to imagine anymore.” 

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I kind of wish you would have asked what I was wearing because I am wearing a hipster wolf T-shirt right now.

hipster wolf


In honor of “The Big Book of Parenting Tweets,”   Simon has agreed to give away a copy of the book to a random person who lives in the United States and leaves a comment to the question below. The winner will be randomly chosen Monday night. 

What would your life be in a tweet? (140 characters or less)  

Like the blog? Buy the books and cool things!


P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

17 responses to “Simon Holland Has Issues & a Giveaway!

  1. Im not sure where i am going in life but i will probably be late when i get there, oh and anyone seen my keys/shoes/glasses/ sanity?

  2. Someone couldn’t remember my name and just spent the rest of the evening calling me “the Mom”

  3. hollowtreeventures

    I’m sorry, I’d write a tweet but I ran out of coffee this morning and I can’t have any thinks.

  4. Yeah, poor old Gluten. Life just completely changed for him, didn’t it?

  5. I have big dreams,or I would if I ever slept.

    BTW, I already have the book, I just wanted to participate. 😉

  6. Surely, in hell, there is a room where my soul will be on vacation the same two weeks my kids are on winter break.

  7. What was in the wooden screw top box?

  8. @simoncholland Riding on the roller coaster, with my eyes closed! Where it stops, nobody knows!! #howdoIgetoffthisthing #Iamhavingagreattime

  9. I’m teary-eyed my son is graduating high school in May & going to college in the fall, marking end of a tradition: monthly child support.

  10. I love me some Simon Holland. I would kill teddy bears to be as slick of a Tweep as him. But I *was* in The Big Book of Tweets with him so that will have to be good enough.

    Here’s my life in a tweet: “Only three nails painted on one hand. Surrounded by laundry. Ate so many chocolate covered pretzels. I blame Abby Heugel.”

  11. ‘….and here we are, full circle’

  12. I resolve to have more “ME” time this yea….wait, I have 2 kids in high school, a full time job, a husband AND I’m in school? oops…see you next year, Me.

  13. “I’m not quite sure what happened here.”

  14. Going through life one day-I-don’t-burn-the-house-down at a time.

  15. “Editor’s note: Yes, actually. I dated a guy once that actually had a wood box built to put my gift in and then screwed the whole damn thing shut. He is no longer around.”

    He is no longer around??? What did you do to him? Wait a second, Abby. Maybe you shouldn’t admit that on the internet.

  16. Good save. Stick with that story. 😉

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