Annie from “Swirleytime” Has Issues

Today’s brave blogger sharing their issues won me over not only because she’s funny or because she bribed me with the promise of the spare change she found in her couch, but because she’s also a) close to her mom and b) familiar with the role of caretaker.

We’re keeping things light today, but it reinforces the theory that humor can be used to heal. Then again, so can copious amounts of carbs and it’s really a toss-up some days and quite frankly, a win either way.

Anyway, meet Annie (and her mom, who she describes as a “vigorous greeter”.)

Anna2

Name – Annie

Blog www.chicagonow.com/swirleytime

 Where, what and why do you write?

I work from my jacked up office/playroom in Chicago. I mostly write about things that annoy me like my mom, my kid, the 12,000 construction projects currently going on around my house and people who park in rush hour lanes. As far as I am concerned, if you block traffic due to pure asshattery, you deserve to get your car keyed.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

“Who is this man sleeping next to me?” Then I slink out of bed, quietly open an overstuffed drawer and put on pants. Only after I am clothed do I whisper to myself. “That man sleeping in bed is named Lee-Roy. He is my husband. You are a total freak for all the wrong reasons.” This is 100 percent true 90 percent of the time.

(Editor’s note: I think the same thing, except it’s “Where did this almond on the pillow come from?” right before I shrug and just eat it. This is 100 percent true 100 percent of the time.)

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Merge lanes. Specifically assholes who deem it acceptable to sit in your blind spot as you try to jump on the highway at speeds faster than 4 MPH. And just as you enter their lane, they move over to the right to exit. Dicks.

(Another note: Yup. We’ve been over this. It’s remarkable how we’re the only people on the planet who don’t drive like Helen Keller.)

Three websites you visit every day.

I want to say BBC (because I am international like that), Lumosity (I am too cheap to subscribe) and Epicurious because I am a fancy foodie. But that would be a lie. If I am being honest Bradsdeals (you’ve got to spend money to make money, fools), ChicagoNow and Slate.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can recite pretty much the entire script of Overboard (1987) from memory. “Andrew, are you going to bring me my lemonade or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?”

Favorite place to be?

Movies. Phone off, kid hopefully with sitter, endless carbs, stealth consumption of booze and a break from the chaos inside my noggin.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Creation of season six The Wire would be federally mandated and funded.

People who:

  • text and drive,
  • stand on the left (walking) side of escalators,
  • turn off their lights on Halloween so kids don’t ring their bell, and
  • shame moms for doing this or that. They should be rounded up and systematically punched in the babymaker.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Freaks and Geeks. Preferably as a geek, though I suppose they aren’t mutually exclusive categories.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Can of Ready Whip and 4-week-old Brussels sprouts. And some moss. A lot of moss.

(Editor’s note again: So…the Ready Whip is the best thing?)

What question do you wish I had asked you?

Does wearing a Lululemon sweatshirt I was given as a gift make me an a-hole because I don’t do yoga? I’m not one of those ridiculous people who spends $300 on yoga pants and gets them hemmed–HEMMED–like the Lululemonites. But if i take the zipper toggle off, it becomes less obvious. It’s just a black sweatshirt and I like the thumb hole thingies that keep your hands warm, but now i feel like a huge hypocrite.

(Last editor’s note: This is a dilemma. Normally I would say anyone who spends more than $50 on yoga/exercise pants is crazy, but considering it was a gift, wear it. Especially seeing as you’re in Chicago. You need to keep those fingers warm so that the middle one can be used to express your delight at people who don’t know how to merge. You’re excused. )

With that cleared up, go check her out after you play our game. SHARING IS CARING.

Speaking of “questionable” clothes, I have to admit that I have my “good T-shirts” and my “home T-shirts” (along with “good” yoga pants and “home” yoga pants.)

What is your “I probably shouldn’t wear this out in public” article of clothing? 

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25 responses to “Annie from “Swirleytime” Has Issues

  1. Overboard!
    Every time I eat sushi (tobiko), I think,
    “Caviar should be round and hard and of adequate size, and it should burstburst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.”

  2. “I probably shouldn’t wear this out in public”: my “lumberjack” sweatshirt. My friends and fiancé tease me mercilessly whenever I put it on. It’s a little too short length wise, has a weird neck zipper, and is purely made out of black and red plaid cloth (and I’m not talking about the nice fancy schmancy plaid). I love it.

  3. Just last night I asked The Feyonce if the stretched out, mildly transparent $10 dress I was wearing was “okay for the liquor store.” He sized me up for a sec then declared it “a bit too winchey.” Fair enough.

  4. Probably the yoga pants I’m wearing now, at work, with a hole at the inner thigh (my specialty), but I just wanted to be comfortable today. BTW, appreciated shout-outs to the Wire and Freaks and Geeks, which would be interesting shows to combine.

  5. My purple hoodie (thumb-holes included) from Costco has kind of become my signature look.

    Not ashamed.

  6. I love me some Annie, some Abby and all the Overboard. I’m going to go read this again just because I can.

  7. Hey Annie! Do you know Heidi Stevens over at the Trib? She’s married to Michael Philips? Friend of mine. She tried to get me an in with Chicago Now but they wouldn’t consider me because I haven’t lived in Chicago since 1992. 😉 Great interview!

    • I don’t, but I am off to stalk her once I hit “submit”. You should move back – but then I might stalk you in person as well as on the interwebs. Consider yourself warned.

  8. Overboard is completely underrated! So you obviously have good taste.
    Thing I should never wear in public (yet wore out just this morning) is a Doctor Who T-shirt dress. (It’s #9s.)

  9. Abby, love being introduced to new people I can add to my reading list! Thanks for sharing these great people with us!

  10. Hey!! I nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award! Thanks for being awesome!! (Here’s the link to the original post http://whitegirlsbelike.wordpress.com/2014/10/17/one-lovely-blog-award/) 🙂

  11. since I can hardly leave the house these days, I’d have to say, whatever you’d find me wearing on any given day if you just dropped by. Sad, but true. I have always had my comfy home clothes and my public clothes, but now the home team outscores the away team.

  12. I’ve been doing around for days looking for my copy of Overboard. My favorite part is where she’s just looking around sort of bewildered and says, “I didn’t marry well, did I?”

  13. She had me and Freaks and Geeks

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