Eight New Fall Movies You Won’t See (but should)

Given the high cost of admission, the fact that most theaters require real pants and an attention span that lasts all of an hour, I haven’t been to an actual movie in years.

Yes, I said years.

However, I am not completely disconnected from what all the cool kids are hitting the cinemas to go and check out (although I just called them “cinemas,” so there’s that.)

What you might not realize is that among the new releases with attractive people doing unrealistic things in situations that are resolved in two hours topping the charts, is that there are some other films being shown this fall that if given a chance, I’m sure would be a great hit.

pumpkin_img2

In this film sure to appeal to women everywhere, a confused young Charlie Brown and his sister Sally—who is adorned in yoga pants and Uggs—sit around and wait for Starbucks to release the elusive Pumpkin Spice Latte. Much to the chagrin of young Sally, Charlie learns that he much prefers actual Halloween candy to overpriced sugary coffee and turns as bitter as her drink.

50 Shades of Seasonal Affective Disorder

In this modern day meteorological mystery, viewers are taken from the sunny warm days of the summer into the dark freezing days of the harsh winter months. Will the residents survive on only eight possible hours of sunlight a day? Scrape inches of ice off their cars? Choose to hibernate and bond with their couch?

Frozen: Pizza

A gripping tale of love and survival, the female protagonist vows that if she burns her mouth on an Amy’s organic vegan pizza one more time, she will continue to eat pizza because it’s delicious and she can’t hold both a grudge and her fork. Although scorned by a lover yet again, she will never “let it go” and bravely moves on through the world.

The Negotiator 2

A young-ish writer is kidnapped in this action comedy, but the criminals are the ones who pay the price as they’re unaware of how often she has to pee and how cranky she gets when she’s hungry. Using her artistic OCD skills to cut out all the letters from magazines for her ransom note—if her name is on it, it has to look good—she hopes the news description of what she was wearing when gone missing doesn’t cause her family to pretend they don’t know who she is.

The Transformers

In this documentary, a film crew follows Internet commenters as they transform seemingly harmless statements read online into personal attacks they feel they simply must justify. This true-to-life account proves that for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite overreaction by someone on the Internet.

The Little Engine That Can’t Even

Tween audiences will love this relatable tale of how a car full of teenage girls drive to the mall, but choosing to spend their money on Starbucks instead of gas, end up stuck on the side of the road. Seriously. The Little Engine literally “could not even.” Find out how they get out of this bind and what hashtags will they choose for their Instagram posts.

Silence of the Birds

In this psychological thriller, Clarice is pulled from her training at the FBI Academy to investigate what’s being dubbed as “Flight Club,” a group of loud ass birds that meets outside bedroom windows to screech in the early hours of every morning. The first rule of Flight Club is that you don’t talk about Flight Club, but that doesn’t deter tired Clarice.

Still Single White Female

She’s 33. She’s independent. She sometimes lights so many scented candles in her house, it would appear that she’s trying to seduce herself. And despite the fact that she wears her “good” T-shirts to Target (sometimes), she’s still single. Follow this lovable loner as she navigates through life—and the path from her couch to the fridge—one day at a time.

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29 responses to “Eight New Fall Movies You Won’t See (but should)

  1. You are funny. I hope a producer picks up one of your movie ideas. You’re on to something.

  2. Um.. the Negotiator 2? Is that my life story. I love it. That and Still Single White Female. Can’t wait for this line-up to hit theaters!!

  3. I think they were filming for that bird movie outside my old apartment in the Bronx!

  4. That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! Thanks for the laugh. Dear God, I hope those lattes are out now…

  5. Hahah these are all fantastic. Well done! (Also, I don’t want winter, what with its cold air and short days, to come yet! BoooooOOooOOooo)

  6. These are all awesome, but my favorite is the pizza one…I burn my mouth every freakin’ time because I just have to have that first bite RIGHT NOW and can’t wait three minutes until it cools off. I’m glad it’s not just me. And…I feel ya. I have been to the movies 5 times in the last 4 years and they all involve Katniss and Bella. I know, I know. I’m a big dork.

  7. Dude, déjà vu! I’m positive I’ve seen all these movies before, except I watched the alternate ‘DiGorno Stuffed Crust Personal Pizza’ ending.

  8. Fabulous ideas. My favorite is “The Negotiator 2”. I want to see that one!

  9. I’m very tempted by “Silence of the Birds” ha ha ha. Your off the wall imagination always offers me pleasing relief from real life 🙂

  10. I’m hibernating and bonding with my couch as we speak. Perhaps I could be the next star in Frozen. I’m also just as bitter as Charlie Brown about the latest wave of pumpkin mania. Good god. Enough already. See – told ya.

  11. Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh.

  12. Negotiator 2 Meets ‘Frozen’ Pizza is my life.

  13. Hilarious. I particularly love the pizza one. I burn my mouth on that shite every damn time. Do I stop? Do I wait? Do I give more than few cursory (and ineffective) blows of the mouth? No. Because it’s delicious.

  14. 50 Shades of SAD! In an unexpected plot twist, middle aged women all over the world treat their Seasonal Affective Disorder by ogling Ryan Gosling’s tanned, naked belly.

  15. I’m all about the 50 Shades movie, but can I get it mailed to me on DVD so I can stay home and watch it on the couch?

  16. Very creative. Thanks for the laugh!

  17. Hey! I think your blog is awesome, so I’ve nominated you for The Sunshine Award. You have no idea what that is. So, click on the link and find out compadre: http://the-life-of-ty.com/2014/09/24/the-sunshine-award/

  18. I’m looking forward to Frozen: Pizza. I really feel that the plight and stories relating to burned mouths is an untapped well (of burning hot tea or coffee).

  19. HAHA I love these. I would go see every one!

  20. 50 Shades of Seasonal Affective Disorder feels like my story. Spoiler alert, I end up bonding with my couch.

  21. This made me happy.

  22. You are literally me. 10 years from now. I enjoy your blogs and they add a little pip to my sometimes rather boring day.

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