If you’re on Facebook, you need to join the tens of thousands who “like” her page so you can participate in not just her witty updates, but also:
White Trash Wednesday: A day in which Rach asks, “How often have you been whipping up a canned meat masterpiece and thought to yourself, ‘Golly, I just wish I could keep my sauce and meat from mingling!’ Well, aim that sack o’ sauce right here- wait, what? Um…because it’s WHITE TRASH WEDNESDAY!! Tear off that apron and join me for a cocktail and confess your latest “white trash” creation.”
Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like. But seeing as I’m a vegan not interested in mystery meat creations, I choose to participate in:
The Sunday Saggeth: A day in which Rach encourages people to ditch the over –the-shoulder-boulder-holder and join her floppy flock: “It is our high holy day, it is THE SAGGETH. Let us honor this day and do what is right and just- keep yourself unburdened by bras as I have commanded. I raise my hands skyward as my breasts hang floorward. Shout freedom! Free at last!”
Preach it, woman. So without further ado—or a bra—I present Rachael.
Name: Rachael Hebert Pavlik
Blog: Rach Riot
Where, what and why do you write?
I write humor, and according to my mother I’m very, very talented and have such a pretty face. I’m coming to you now from my secret lair, which looks a lot like my dining room table. Why do I write? Because my therapist is no longer returning my emails.
First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.
F#ck you, daylight.
What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?
Right now? These underwear I have on. I won’t even call them “panties” because that connotes something sexy, and these draws are somewhere above my belly button, right around my rib cage. Sounds comfy (and sexy) but it’s not. It’s annoying. Maybe because I’m also wearing low-rise jeans. It’s a good look. Did I say sexy?
Three websites you visit every day.
Facebook, my blog (to see if magic literary fairies have written a blog for me as I slept — it could happen) and then, um…I usually Google something unspeakable. If anything ever happens to me, please erase my history and burn my laptop before the police come, OK? Thanks.
What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?
The uncanny ability to offend large groups of people with a single sentence. My best work is usually on a speaker phone while your kids listen in.
(Editor’s note: If my internal dialogue was on speaker phone, I would be totally screwed.)
Favorite place to be?
George Clooney’s summer villa on Lake Como, Italy
(Editor’s note again: See you there! We can plane pool, which is like car pooling but in a plane, obviously.)
If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?
I would do away with all restraining orders, because George Clooney is an overreactive paranoid freak sometimes. He’s so silly!
What TV show would you want to appear on?
Graham Norton or Drunk History, because duh. I’d also like to be one of Oprah’s gurus on Super Soul Sunday. Also duh.
Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?
Hmmm…I have an impressive collection of pepper jellies, some of them botulism flavor. The best? Booze, of course.
What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?
You didn’t ask anything about my boobs and I don’t feel they get the attention they deserve! Jeeze. They are real and they’re spectacular. Thanks for asking!
(Final editor’s note: I purposely didn’t ask about your boobs because you have boobs and I don’t and that’s probably why I have issues so THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP.)
At any rate, be sure to check her out and show her some love—or some wine. I think she’s partial to the latter.