Thank You for Shopping at Kohl’s

On the list of things I like to do, shopping for clothes ranks somewhere just above listening to people loudly eat apples and poking myself in the eye with a dull butter knife.

In other words, I kind of hate it.

First of all, my wardrobe consists of gym clothes, “good” T-shirts and stuff I have to wear to work because evidently, “business casual” has a formal definition. Plus, I have no interest in fashion and would rather spend my money on food, so there’s that.

However, once in awhile I receive a gift card—as I did for my birthday last month —and that takes away my excuse that I can’t spend money. And seeing as it was for Kohl’s and they have things that aren’t clothes for sale—and the “biggest sale of the century” every weekend— the purchasing probability looked promising.

Then again, we are talking about me.

Whenever I don’t have a gift card or money, I find a bunch of stuff I would buy. But when I actually have a gift card—free money!—I can never find a damn thing.

But they say, “Expect great things,” in the Kohl’s ad, so I decided to give it a shot. Here’s how my last four Kohl’s attempts have gone:

kohls

1) Walk in, lust after the vacuums and accidentally wander into the clothing department, confused as to where I belong. Clothes in the juniors department says “slutty schoolgirl” while those in the women’s department scream “stodgy schoolmarm.”

Considering I’m not going for either of those looks (at the given time, mind you) I was done looking at clothes two minutes and one “uncomfortable moment when eye contact was made with an employee while I attempted to re-fold a shirt and put it back” later.

2) Drive by Kohl’s, see a busy parking lot and continue to drive right back to Target next door, promising myself I’ll hit Kohl’s on some other day.

3) Dropping the pretense of even looking at clothes, I return with the mission to find running shoes and maybe a new bag. Spend .05 seconds looking at bags, five minutes smelling all the scented wax melts and two minutes testing the cushy bedding they have on display before getting “the eye” from an employee.

Wander through the aisle of running shoes and find three pairs that I like and want to try on before realizing those are the only three styles in the store or on the planet that they don’t have in my size.

4) This is it. The damn gift card is burning a hole in the purse that I need to replace. Head back over to shoes and  delight in finding a pair in my size that I like. Noting they’re marked down from roughly $1,350 to a mere $49—sometimes I get the feeling Kohl’s exaggerates a bit — I decide they’re meant to be mine.

Get up to the register and go through the cashier conversation—no, I’m not using my Kohl’s charge; sure, I would love to scratch off a coupon to see if I won extra savings; yes I’m aware that you’re angling to replace both the Euro and American dollar with Kohl’s cash by 2020.

After swiping the gift card I’m informed that I saved approximately $2,034 by purchasing the sale items and that I qualified for additional Kohl’s cash to be used next weekend on the next biggest sale of the century.

Even knowing that I did not in fact save approximately $2,034, I still leave feeling slightly triumphant—until I realize I still have $30 left on my gift card, no clothes, no purse and no energy to come back later.

Maybe I’ll wait until they have a sale. 

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24 responses to “Thank You for Shopping at Kohl’s

  1. The only shopping I truly enjoy and pretty much rock at is shopping for books. When I get a gift card for Amazon or Barnes and Noble, I become deliriously happy. Then it is all “GAME ON BITCHES!” as i scour the sites and spend ages deliberating which books are the best deals and how to stretch those buy books for free dollars, which are kind of my version of a get out of jail free card. I am, as a general rule, pathetically poor, which means I really can’t afford to buy my next book fix, which means I spend a lot of time berating myself as I read the newest book I bought that i can’t afford. As for clothes or purse shopping, I pretty much suck at it. I hate clothes shopping because all the fluffy chick clothes are designed for gals who don’t have freakishly long arms and long legs, since apparently all fluffy gals should be short and fat but my body totally missed that memo. Purse shopping is torturous simply because I’m a cheapskate and spend most of the trip saying things like, “$50? Have they lost their damn minds? It’s a purse for crying out loud!” or “I like it, but I don’t $25 like it.” 🙂

  2. I am not a huge Kohls fan. The store is too cluttered and too bright. Call me weird but I like some dim lighting when I’m trying on clothes. I am right there with you on not wanting be a slutty school girl (well….) and a stodgy schoolmarm. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of middle ground for middle-ish age people who operate under the delusion of hipness. At least not at Kohls. And while I love a bargain, the Kohl’s cash at the end stresses me out. It’s got an expiration date, imposes a new shopping deadline and nixes my sense of shopping accomplishment that I like to have when I say toodle doo to the cashier. I never have this problem at Target, though. I can always find something there.

  3. Don’t even try to return those shoes either. The kohl’s return policy is so damn mind boggling I am willing to pay them just to take the shit back.

  4. I hate clothes shopping oh so much.

    My lovely Midwestern Biting wife dragged me to Kohl’s over the long weekend because I made the mistake of saying I probably need some newer, trendier “fancy clothes” to wear to a couple weddings we have coming up. Something in between the very casual clothes prevalent in my office since we’re all techies… and the couple nice suits I wear to funerals or when showing a PowerPoint deck to moneybags.

    When I made my offhand comment… I meant, “Why don’t you pick me up something while I chop firewood and grow out my beard?” She heard, “I can’t wait to play dress-up.”

    I lasted about three minutes and declared we were done when the first pair of pants didn’t fit right.

    She made me persevere and I walked out with some new duds thanks to the triple coupon combo thing that saved us a mortgage payment.

    And yeah, our impatient, easily angered three year old chose that afternoon to be a saint… making my tantrums seem that much worse.

    I hate clothes shopping oh so much.

  5. LOL! Hilarious post. I think it must be funny because I see myself in your shoes. 🙂

  6. Absolutely yes. Hate shopping. Have only been to Kohl’s once (dragged there by boyfriend) and ended up buying exactly one picture frame. They have more big blousy shirts than I have ever seen anywhere else. Scary.

  7. Not a big fan of Kohl’s either. There’s one near here, but I hardly ever even think of going. No matter the ‘savings’ you get, their clothes are still too pricey for me. I get most of my stuff from Savers (thrift store) where I can actually find some things I like, and I can get a whole bag of new to me clothes for the cost of one top at Kohl’s! 🙂

    • I actually don’t think Kohl’s is that expensive, compared to what you might find at the mall (which in my world, is like entering hell.) I just hate shopping for clothes in general 😉

  8. I was cracking up reading this. I is so nice to see that I am not the only one that has to be forced to purse shop by cattle prod.

  9. Hate Kohl’s, girl you know I do. I love this, though. Shared on my FB page. They likey.

  10. Just like you, if I have money and am looking for something — anything — you can bet I won’t find a damn thing. But dead-ass broke and keeping a friend company while they shop? Everything in the store calls my name. It’s evil trickery I tell you.

  11. You are not alone. I also hate shopping.

  12. The biggest thing that gets me is the Kohl’s cash. It’s basically them betting that you’ll come back in and spend more than you get in Kohl’s cash. It’s the “limited time only, act now” of in store retail.

    I recently had $30 Kohl’s cash and it wouldn’t count that $30 on the website for free shipping. So I had a $45 item then put in some kid slippers to bring me over the shipping threshold, but enter the Kohl’s cash and I’m back to paying $8 for shipping. I wasn’t going to spend more than $50 out of pocket to get $30 off plus free shipping. So I went to the store, handed the lady a sheet of paper I printed that had a coupon on one side and my Kohl’s cash on the other. Turned my $45 item into a $13 item. And best part? I broke the Kohl’s cash vicious cycle! I am free from those chains. For a few weeks anyway, until I inevitably need something else from Kohl’s.

    • Ha. You DID beat the system. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever actually used Kohl’s cash. I’m just not there enough!

      • No lie, I woke up this morning and my inbox had my Kohl’s rewards. $15 free and I have 30 days to use it.

        And truthfully, I don’t always use Kohl’s cash. If it’s $5 or $10 in rewards or Kohl’s cash, I usually forget about it or don’t care enough to go in. But this last time, in particular, I made sure I used it because it was $30 and I needed a new set of sheets.

  13. It’s a well known fact that a gift card means the shop in question has absolutely nothing of any interest inside. An empty purse however…

  14. I hate shopping for clothes for 2 reasons. 1) I am a male and it is part of my genetic code to hate it and 2) childhood trauma. I had to get some new clothes for a job interview a couple of years back and made the mistake of going with my mother to (You betcha) Kohls. I came out of the dressing room in a pair of dress pants I was considering and my mother actually stuck her fingers in the waistband and asked “are you sure they are the right size, they look kind of tight”?

    My response: “Ma, you realize I am 42, right? I know when my pants fit now, and no, they aren’t the right size when you cram your fingers in the waistband!”

    It’s hell on Earth.

    • You literally made me laugh out loud and it’s just what I needed today, so you win a gold star. I also have the missing shopping gene, as does my mom. Last time we went to Kohl’s together I found her testing out pillows in the middle of the bedding aisle. On the ground.

  15. I’m like you, Abby. Really don’t like to shop. Like something – can’t find my size (what size do I fit into, anyway?) Hate to try on. Can’t decide what to buy. Ugh.

  16. Yes, thank you, re the junior’s vs women’s dept observation. My choices are either “inappropriate for my age/place in life” or (non)sexy senior.

  17. This is hilarious!

    -john

  18. Kohl’s is shopping CRACK. Once you start shopping there, you can’t stop. We need some sort of 12 step program…

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