An Inconvenient Truth

Despite what this post might suggest, I would generally describe myself as more self-deprecating than self-centered.

However, I have come to realize that at times I’m a) completely irrational when it comes to how I view reality and normal inconveniences and b) delusional.

Let’s start with the first one and an example, as it often leads to the second.

When storms are raging around the state causing massive destruction, my first thought is rarely, “Gosh, I hope that everyone is okay everywhere in the world” but rather, “Gah! I know we’re going to lose power because of this much-less severe storm in my town, which means I’m going to lose my shit.”

So while I feel awful for people picking up after a tornado—I’m not a freaking monster—I’m also flipping the heck out.  Mother Nature obviously hates me and wants all the food in my fridge to go bad and for me to have to live without the Internet for a day like some kind of contestant on Survivor: Entitlement Island.

While I know Mother Nature doesn’t specifically aim her meteorological might directly at my house, I still see it as a direct “screw you.”

Another example that will lead us into my second point is when I was at the ATM the other day.

I was trying to make a withdraw and got an “error” message. Knowing there was no actual error with my account, I kept trying, manically pushing the buttons with increasing rage at each attempt. No luck.

So I went into the bank like my ancestors used to do and found out they had been having issues with the ATM due to the cold (see “weather” up above, I suppose. THANKS AGAIN MOTHER NATURE.)

No big deal, but I’ve been paranoid about my debit card ever since it was hacked last year, and the “error” message fueled my neurosis. Plus, I was feeling lazy.

Anyway, my first completely irrational thought as she was counting the money back to me was that I would like her to slip an extra $5 into the cash for my ATM troubles.

WTF?

Why on earth do I think I should get a reward for doing absolutely nothing other than not beating the ATM with my umbrella? I swiped three free pens from the bowl on the desk and pondered this thought as I walked out.

Because it’s not just the bank.

The store is out of a product I want? A pipe burst and closed the gym for a day? Obviously there is a broccoli conspiracy closely linked to the sewage system in my neighborhood because the UNIVERSE HATES ME. And for some reason I feel proud for doing the exact thing that normal, civil people are expected to do in society.

Drive by a cop when I’m going the speed limit? Extra credit on my license for those times I might inch a bit over.

Remembering to put out both the trash and the recycle on the right day?  A standing ovation.

Not telling my friend that her ultrasound picture looks like a seahorse holding a chicken McNugget? Some karma extra credit, perhaps.

Now I’m not proud, but these thoughts often take center stage before getting kicked out by that whole, “be a freaking adult” voice that is also in my head (or the voice of my mom.)

So to summarize? I’m not selfish, just slightly irrational, and being an adult can be bullshit.  But at least sometimes we do get free pens.

There is always that to enjoy.

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22 responses to “An Inconvenient Truth

  1. I didn’t want to say anything, but as the Polar Vortex went through it said “Now I am going totally screw Abby!” then it laughed maniacally and spun off into the distance.

  2. Maybe you should take a week sabbatical from modern conveniences in order to reflect. Then when you come back from said sabbatical you will appreciate conveniences more, at least for awhile. “Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.”

    • Kids sure made you philosophical, Ace. 🙂 But I also agree that it’s good to sit and reflect. I do this often, to be honest, but when caught up in the moment I lose sight of the rationality. Plus, I’m just kind of nuts and share that with the world. Go figure 😉

  3. I think we all do this to some degree. Yesterday I got SUPER-MAD at my dishwasher because I snagged my sweater on it – twice. I was all, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY DESIGN A DISHWASHER WITH LITTLE THINGIES STICKING OUT FOR PEOPLE TO SNAG THEIR SWEATERS ON? I WANT A REFUND.” And then I was mad at the weather because who wants to wash dishes or do ANY sort of chore wearing a freaking sweater?

  4. I think we should all get credit for not making truthful comments about people’s ultrasound pictures.

    NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR INNARDS, ASSHOLE.

    I would have taken 4 pens.

    xo

  5. I hear you. Last week, we lost power one night. As I checked in on my phone to report the outage, I noticed that it was JUST my street affected and nowhere else in the area. But not just my STREET…..just my SIDE of the street. That’s right, the neighbors across from me were glowing and mocking me with their still functioning lights. I mean, it was like a big middle finger headed my way, and I was like, “why just me? Why not them? Why, do you hate ME, universe? WHY?”

  6. You made me laugh today (esp. the ultrasound comment) and I thank you for it. I am sitting here with a smelly, wet dog in my lap. I took him for a walk today and he thought, “Hey! I should go jump in a pile of another dog’s poo! That would be awesome!”

  7. You know what I want. I want the rain and the cold to sinc up so that it snows when it’s cold, and then I can go outside when it’s fairly nice and not worry about drowning.

  8. I hate those days when fifty little annoying things go wrong, and you know you’re supposed to be counting your blessings that your house didn’t blow away or something, but STILL!

  9. I used to work in a bank – I can totally hook you up with pens. And Dum Dum suckers.

  10. Don’t forget: your problems, no matter how big or small they seem to you or anyone else, are still your problems and they’re still real. Just because there are people in other countries who don’t have the luxury of fresh broccoli on a regular basis doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to be down right pissed off when they’re out of it at your store (or when they don’t carry a damn ripe avocado when you’re all out). Your problems don’t cease to exist or lessen in severity because someone else is having a worse time than you.

    And amen to the being-an-adult-bullshit. Can someone just take care of me forever? 😦

  11. Hallelujah to the ultra sound pictures and pen theft. Well played, Abby well played.

  12. sending this to my husband, to validate that I am not alone in my rage with common everyday annoyances.

  13. You sound a bit like me, but I suspect that doesn’t surprise you. Over hear in ‘Engaland’ I am watching the river near me rising to record highs and I realise its only about one foot from flooding out the car park which would result in motoring horror story. You made me smile, which was a nice bit of relief anyway.

  14. I find myself doing this sometimes. The big “WHY?” Then, I remind myself to put my big girl pants on and stop whining. But, I’m not above taking a bunch of candy from the bowl at the bank. Pens would work too.

  15. I’m so glad that you’re, ” kind of nuts and share that with the world”. Indeed, my world would be much more dreary without you, Abby. Thanks for the smiles. Stay warm, safe and mildly sane while contending with the Polar Vortex (such a fantastic name for a rotten snow storm). xxxx

  16. Hahaha: Survivor: Entitlement Island. Perfect. My friendship is hereby officially extended : ) And yes, free pens, even if they’re stolen, are still free, and that’s the important thing.

  17. Yes, and God forbid the gas pump isn’t working and I have to go into the store, that really ticks me off. Cops really should give a shout out for good driving, right? Love the post!

  18. I totally know what you are saying. Mother Nature is out to get me. I have been defending my Florida garden and potted plants from that controlling monster for a year now. So, I got out my copy of “The Art of War” and I’m ready for her. Sometimes “life is what happens while you’re making other plans” – John Lennon. I love your blog. Lucy

  19. Dang…I guess my neurosis is the other flavor, cause I always figure it’s somehow MY FAULT that stuff blows up. Who knew?

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