Citizen’s Arrest

Do you know why I pulled you over today?

This is a citizen’s arrest, my friend. You have the crappiest car on the road, yet pimped it out with a large spoiler and the loudest exhaust system on the planet. Add in the obscene rap music from cheap speakers with no bass, and we’re going to have to write you up.

Your reputation?

Let me educate you, son. Community studies have shown that chicks don’t dig a loud exhaust on a 1993 Ford Escort or the fact that the only thing bigger than your tires is your ego. I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way.

Plus, it’s a 4-way stop. Not a Rubik’s cube. Pay your fine and be on your way.


Drop the apple or else the Pet Peeve Police is going to have to cite you for clamorous consumption.

Why?

Not only is the loud crunching of your apple cutting throughout the quiet room like a firecracker, the loud slurping of apple juices that follows each bite gives one the impression that both Mr. Ed and a lapdog are enjoying the fruits of some produce plant’s labor.

Plus, it’s been proven that hearing the sound of people loudly eating food is one of the best ways to no longer enjoy it yourself, and seeing as how I love fruits and vegetables, I’m going to have to ask you to either cut up said fruit or just tone it down.

During this probationary period you’re also to refrain from corn on the cob. Public consumption of this vegetable is strictly prohibited and limited to confines of home. For everyone.


Excuse me young lady. Please step to the side of the locker room.

It has been reported that you were overheard talking with your “besties” about how “totes old” and fat you felt despite the fact that you’re a 20-year-old woman with the metabolism of a manic hummingbird with hyperthyroidism.

On top of that, you turned “Jersey Shore” on the TV in the cardio room, walked for 5 minutes while checking your phone and then left in a cloud of JLo perfume without offering the remote to anyone else. I was willing to overlook that last charge until you called me “sweetie.”

Three strikes. Don’t let the door hit your perky butt on the way out. (#forreals)


Ma’am, please move your grocery cart over by the large stuffed animal-filled crane machine. It’s come to our attention that you are a menace to the sanity of shoppers. Why?

First, you were observed violating code 45D—creeping up past the plastic grocery lane divider and piling on your items with no regard for the personal space or the power of that plastic partition. Back it up, woman. You’ll have your turn.

Second, you were talking on your cell phone while at the checkout counter, completely ignoring the cashier while loudly discussing your husband’s colonoscopy prep. This is a clear violation of, well, society.  

Finally, you stood at the register and studied your receipt for 30 seconds before moving your cart towards the door, so at this time we’re going to have to ask you to do all of your shopping at Wal-mart.

The punishment must fit the crime.

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Your turn. Who deserves a Citizen’s Arrest?

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22 responses to “Citizen’s Arrest

  1. Can you please arrest my husband for answering “I don’t know” to every question I ask him?

  2. Fu$king hysterical and an eloquent synopsis of every 20 something chick at the gym.
    I’d like to cite my neighbor for offenses against spacial awareness. You drive a Civic. You do not require 30 ft of curb in order to park, nor should it take anyone with opposable thumbs more than 2 attempts to align wheels to curb. Unless you are aiming for some unknown parking award .. Move it Chica

    • “nor should it take anyone with opposable thumbs more than 2 attempts to align wheels to curb.”

      Amen. It’s like if you’ve failed twice to pull into a parking spot, you should just give up, turn around and go home.

  3. I can’t even count the number of times a day I wish I could arrest people.

  4. Please arrest on sight, the following offenders!
    People who stand in groups right in the middle of walkways in department stores and chat, with trolleys, obstructing the flow of foot traffic. They could stand to the side but the middle of the walkway is soooo much more convenient for them, and soooo bloody annoying to the rest of the people who don’t want to be there in the first place.
    People who are walking along briskly and then get a phone call and slow to a stop or randomly meander about in the isle so getting past them is nigh impossible (these are normally the same people who declare that driving whilst on the phone is not dangerous…the same ones that have trouble walking while on the the phone)

  5. I hate it when people creep up on me in line! BACK UP, YO. BACK. UP.

  6. Love this post, Abby, although I’d make the penalties a bit stiffer. Clearly, the loud eater ought to made to eat apples until he pops.

    I’d like a citizen’s arrest and severe fines/penalties for the following: Those who tap me on the shoulder on the way into the coffee shop like a friggin’ a-hole while I am typing and those who, despite the fact they are going to sit down to drink their coffee, add sugar, honey and cinnamon and do all their incessant stirring at the counter while on their phone, in front of the urns like a friggin’ a-hole.

    May you make thousands of arrests this week.

  7. Ignoring the cashier is a pet peeve of mine too. Blatantly ignoring a person who’s interacting with you directly takes a huge amount of indifference. I say double citation and twenty minutes of conversation with Gym Girl should be the consequence.

  8. Like the Martian said in Plan 9 From Outer Space; “Stupid, stupid Earthlings!”

  9. Yes, to all of the above plus an arrest and stiff fine for all those who push in to get to the front of a queue. I want to use handcuffs on those people and have them frog-marched out of the area wearing a sign round their neck that says, “QUEUE JUMPER”. I usually get the attention of the person serving and say very loudly, “Excuse me, but if you ask everyone behind me they will confirm that it is now my turn and (pointing to the queue jumper) this person has pushed in line.” The trick is to get the server and other customers on board and never, ever confront the rude ‘pusher in’. It never fails; the ‘pusher in’ slinks off because of the waves of unspoken disgust. Still, I like your citizen’s arrest idea better, it sounds much more fun, especially if I can use handcuffs. 🙂

  10. Man alive, you’re too funny.

    Citizen’s Arrest: people using the phrase “man alive” because it’s lame, although I am currently dealing with a bout of writer’s block.

    What if the rap music is only mildly offensive and the bass is good. If the bass is good, you dance right?!

    Public peaches should be out too. All that sucking and slurping and I feel like I’m stuck in some bad porn movie.

    Perky gym Barbie (and I don’t mean her personality) needs to go.

    I paid for and inadvertently came home with some “digestive” tea because the lady behind me didn’t follow the divider rules. I suspect in this case, the jokes on her because she probably needed that tea. Me, I returned it on my next visit.

    • Of COURSE I dance to good music. No questions asked. If it’s a polka, I’m especially talented.

      I’m also dealing with writer’s block, so anyone coming up with anything creative is getting the side eye from me.

      Peaches or stone fruits will be added to the list, along with watermelon.

  11. Also, that grocery store lady with a kabazillion coupons who not only stands there studying the receipt to make sure she got double coupons on some items and then pays with a check. Who uses checks anymore?

  12. Oh yes, all of these (of course I can’t read that first line and not answer “because I’m a pig driving a convertible?” anymore since I watch entirely too much TV)

    and all of this, YES. There are special cells in hell for all of these people.
    LOL

  13. “it’s a 4-way stop. Not a Rubik’s cube”

    That is hilarious. And it always amazes me when people can’t figure out the 4 way stop. it’s NOT rocket science!

    ****

    Thankfully, I’ve never had to listen to anyone eat an apple like that.

    ****

    “On top of that, you turned “Jersey Shore” on the TV in the cardio room, walked for 5 minutes while checking your phone and then left in a cloud of JLo perfume without offering the remote to anyone else. I was willing to overlook that last charge until you called me “sweetie.”

    Oh boy. That deserves a bigger punishment than a citizens arrest!

    ****

    “you stood at the register and studied your receipt for 30 seconds before moving your cart towards the door, so at this time we’re going to have to ask you to do all of your shopping at Wal-mart.”

    I totally second that punishment!

  14. They need to electrify those plastic separators.

  15. Might I add fried chicken to the pet peeve police?

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